| “ | Without the built-in sexual release valve provided by masturbation, it’s doubtful that early humans would have ever mastered the secrets of fire or discovered the wheel.
— Wade Watts
|
” |
Wade Owen Watts is the protagonist and narrator of the novel Ready Player One. He is a teenager who lives in a slum with his aunt. He attends school within the OASIS but lacks the virtual currency or XP levels to travel to other locations. He is a "gunter" (an egg hunter) who spends all his spare time researching films, songs, TV series, and videogames from the 1980s and '90s to aid his hunt. The hunt has been going on for five years, yet no one has been able to find the first key (the Copper Key). Then Wade, who goes by the avatar name Parzival, unlocks and beats the First Gate. This places him in a simulation of the film WarGames in which he has to recreate the lines of the lead character. After clearing the Gate, he is awarded points and his avatar's name appears on the previously empty scoreboard.
His avatar becomes famous within the OASIS, as does his friend Aech and another gunter named Art3mis who clear the Gate shortly after him. He takes advantage of his fame, endorsing virtual products for credits, and develops a tentative relationship with Art3mis. He is approached by Nolan Sorrento, an executive from Innovative Online Industries (IOI), who want to control the OASIS. Sorrento offers Wade a lucrative job to help IOI finish the hunt, but after Wade refuses, they attempt to assassinate him.
Eventually, the Third Gate is discovered by IOI (located inside Castle Anorak on the planet Chthonia) who are unable to open it, having missed a previous clue saying that the Gate cannot be opened by a single avatar, but by three instead. They barricade the location with an impenetrable force field, so Wade infiltrates the real-world headquarters of IOI, accesses their databases, and plants a booby-trap to bring down the force field from within. He enlists the help of all the gunters in the OASIS to launch a coordinated assault on the corporate forces, while he, Aech and Art3mis activate the Third Gate. During the battle a doomsday device is activated by IOI, killing every avatar in the sector, but Parzival had unknowingly gained an extra life artifact earlier in a side-quest and survives. While the sector is empty he solves the final puzzle, clears the gate and claims the egg. He gains control of the OASIS, including the ability to switch it off forever, by pressing the “Big Red Button” hidden in Anorak’s study. In real life, Sorrento is arrested for his crimes while Parzival and Art3mis finally meet in person and kiss.
Battle vs. Haru Kinomoto (by 123chaseyoung)[]
There was a new system being sold that was quite the dandy. A new virtual reality system that was a hundred times more powerful than its predecessors. It caught the interest of the world as every new gadget did. But when the people found nothing in it that was unique, citing it as mediocre as the newest Madden game, everyone abandoned it as quickly as it went viral.
Inside this new immersive digital world was a big city. And in this city, two powerful geeks duked it out in a battle to the death. One was an American geek, named Wade Watts, covered in a red jacket and jeans. The other, a Japanese otaku named Haru Kinomoto, was dressed in a cute sailor fuku and grey sweater. Both were in an intense death match inside one of the apartment blocks. But it seemed the American was getting the upper hand.
“Mochi! Use cannon!” yelled Haru hastily. Her pet monster shot a yellow beam of energy that hit Wade in the chest, making him fly off before hitting the walls. Haru then made a mad dash for her life. She forgo going to the door, knowing that was where Wade landed. And instead, she made the risk of leaping through her window.
She landed painfully on the concrete asphalt as broken glass rained down on her battered body. Pain filled every part of her. As she tried standing up, a sharpness made her lay down again. Her right ankle was severely broken, with a bone sticking out. “Chi!” her pet monster yelped worriedly as it flew to where she fell. Haru needed to get out of there and let herself heal. She tried to crawl away by dragging her whole body.
And then, her eye caught the glimmer of a red silhouette. Wade had landed to where she was at. His eyes only filled with anger and rage. “I got you now!” he yelled as he drew his laser blaster and fired.
Haru managed to roll out of the way. She ordered Mochie to counter, which the monster obliged. Mochi jumped into the air and spun; summoning a storm of petals that shredded Wade’s skin. Wade used his rocket boosters to quickly get out of there before summoning his pistols. He then filled Haru’s pet monster with lead, killing it.
“Mochi!” screamed Haru. “You’ll pay for that!”
Haru summoned another monster, a Stand by the name of Helena. The Stand flew towards Wade and punched him square in the face. Wade fell to the ground and found that punch actually taking a quarter of his armor’s hit points. “Not good…” Wade remarked as he drew his laser pistols and continued firing. But the Stand did well in dodging his attack.
Wade then made a back flip that made him land inside his Kitt-Delorean. He sped away and the Stand gave chase. “Ora!” the Stand yelled as it unleashed a barrage of fists as fast as a machine gun. But the punches phased through Wade’s car like it was made of thin air.
“In the words of MC Hammer,” bantered Wade. “Can’t touch this!”
Wade then continued to blast at the Stand while driving, his car blaring “We’re Not Gonna Take It!” by Twisted Sister. Having had enough, Haru yelled, “Za Warudo!”
Helena transformed from a black-clad Stand into one coated in golden armor. Time then stopped, pausing everything besides Helena and Haru. “Killjoy fist…” ordered Haru. Helena pulled its fist away, winding it up, before giving Wade’s car a mighty punch. Its fist made contact with the car without Wade even knowing it. An explosion erupted, leaving the car into a smoldering wreck.
Time went back to normal, and Haru laid down breathing heavily. The sun was hitting her in the face but she didn’t mind. At least now… she was safe.
“I’m not dead yet!” a voice roared as Haru sat back up. Wade was alive, standing near her, seemingly untouched and unscathed.
"How?!" asked Haru.
“I just played a Pac Man game, remember? And I still got an extra life!”
"Uhhh..." Haru groaned. "Just die already! I forgot that I still have assignments due tomorrow."
As Wade charged at Haru with his laser blasters, Haru then made her body engulfed with bright neon lights. The bright lights blinded Wade, stopping him in his tracks. When he opened his eyes, Haru was now dressed in a sexy magical girl costume. This… was Wade’s liking.
“I like your get-up. You dressed that for me?”
“You wish," Haru giggled. "Baka…”
Suddenly, a girl wearing a bikini with pig ears and a tail, hugged Wade from out of nowhere.
“What the-“ Wade screamed.
“I got him, master!” cheered the pig girl.
Wade could then feel his body bloat. He became fatter and fatter, ripping and tearing his clothes. He continued to bloat and fatten up, and he couldn’t do nothing but scream and cry. Wade was left like a semi-naked blob, his face full of fat, immobile and vulnerable.
“Dmnth... yth…” Wade cursed as his plump cheeks smothered his lips.
Haru stood up from the ground, her ankle finally healed. She then walked to where Wade was while carrying her magical staff prop. “Sayonara…” Haru said as she bashed Wade’s head repeatedly with her wand. She walked away as the street became filled with blood.
Her menu panel made a beep, notifying her of a new message: "Good fight! Same time next week?"
Haru typed: "Sure!"
"You're not going to get lucky this time. I'll be bringing with me my beta capsule."
"Then I'll bring with me my kaiju!"
Haru smiled and blushed as she closed her inbox and logged out.
Expert’s Opinion[]
Haru won because of her better powers and abilities. While experts believed Wade was smarter, it was not enough to get through the sheer power and versatility of Haru’s summons. Some of the geek’s weapons did prolonged the inevitable, but everyone concluded that Haru was just too much for him.
To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.
Battle vs. Guy (by Jon memeing)[]
It was a desolate village in the middle of a valley. Spring had come, the flowers bloomed, but no person was on sight. This was because the inhabitants had already fled due to a battle that was about to unfold. This was no battle between warriors, no battle between soldiers and mercenaries. In fact, it was a battle between two geeks, locked inside a virtual reality world, forced to fight each other to the death by a god unknown.
The two geeks, Parzival and Guy, stood in front of each other. Their hands were near their holsters, and a tumbleweed came running along as they stared at each other like gunslingers. The theme of the film The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly played in the air.
"You feel lucky... punk?!" Guy said as he spat out a spit.
"Oh it's on!" replied Parzival. "It's on like Donkey Kong!"
The two virtual reality players drew their guns. Guy drew a pump-action shotgun and attempted to fire, but he was forced to take cover behind a crate by Parzival's auto-9 machine pistol. Parzival continued to pour down on Guy, while also taking out his colonial revolver to pierce through the AI's cover. But as soon Parzival reached the crate where Guy was hiding, the latter was nowhere to be found. However, Parzival did find a blue hole on the ground, and this made him cry, "Oh crud!"
"Predator reference! Bitch!" Guy screamed out of nowhere, praying and spraying his minigun.
Parzival rolled out of the way and into the crates. He then summoned his Halo rocket launcher, aimed, at yelled, "Say helllooooo to my little friend!"
There was little time for Guy to dodge out of the way as the rocket made the ground he was standing on, erupt like a volcano, sending him into the air. As Guy was in the air, Parzival let out another rocket, but Guy summoned his gravity gun and used it to redirect the rocket away. He then sky-dived unto Parzival. Before Parzival could reload, Guy summoned his Hulk arm, and smashed into the geek, flattening him out.
"Not cool bro!" Parzival said, while dazed. He then flipped back up to his feet and tried to roundhouse kick Guy, but the AI summoned his vibranium shield to block the attack. He then continued blocking more of Parzival's attacks, from his punches, elbows, knees and kicks.
"I can do this all day!" Guy said.
"You're no Chris Evans!" Parzival bantered back. "You'll never be Chris Evans, Ryan Gosling!"
"It's Reynolds!" Guy yelled as he summoned his lightsaber and slashed Parzival in the chest. The severely wounded geek fled away, with Guy in pursuit.
"Leave me alone!" Parzival screamed. "You stupid AIs! First you took our art, then our literature, then our customer service! You AIs are taking everything!"
"Republican, much?!"
"But not this. Not my game!"
Guy failed to see Parzival threw into the air, a Rubik's cube. Without him knowing, time suddenly began rewinding back. Guy then found himself back near the crates, scratching his head. Not even his sunglasses knew what just happened. Then a shot rang out, and Guy fell down to his knees, his chest opened with a large bullet hold from Parzival's revolver.
"Why did you do this?" Parzival asked as he aimed his revolver at Guy's head.
"You are a freak..." murmured Guy. "You tried to rape that Japanese girl!"
"Wait?! I didn't! I--- Nah. That author already revised it. And he's gone now. Come on! I'm a creep but not that CREEPY!"
Parzival then finally pulled the trigger, ending Guy, and finally winning whatever this battle was even supposed to be. "Heh. And I didn't even need to use my extra life..."
Winner: Parzival
Expert's Opinion[]
Parzival won because he had the better weapons and x-factors. Even if Guy is an AI who could be smarter and stronger than him, Parzival's geeky knowledge allowed him to know how to counter Guy's weapons. Guy also had no reply to Parzival's Zemeckis Cube and Extra Life.