Happy Brogust, everyone! To do my part in this long-awaited celebration of bros, dudes, guys, and general friendly manliness, I'll be digging into ancient mythology to bring two of the most famous pairs of bros in all of human literature. They are Achilles and Patroclus, the two Greek heroes and lifelong companions who fought in the Trojan War until their lives ended in tragedy, and Gilgamesh and Enkidu, the Mesopotamian king and wild man duo whose friendship defied the gods! Their bodies are strong, their friendship is stronger, and they might even be more than friends, but who is DEADLIEST?
Achilles and Patroclus
Achilles
Born as the son of the hero Peleus and the nymph Thetis, Achilles was offered a choice in his youth: an easy and long life of peace, or a difficult life filled with glory. He chose the latter. Trained by the centaur Chiron alongside his childhood friend, Patroclus, Achilles became a famed warrior at a young age. When the Trojan War broke out, Achilles and Patroclus were both sent to fight. After a years-long stalemate, Achilles was spited by the Greeks' commander, Agamemnon, and withdrew from the battle. He only returned after Patroclus was killed by Hector, a Trojan prince. Enraged, Achilles returned to the battlefield, carving a path of bloody destruction through the Trojan army until he finally cornered and killed Hector. Achilles continued to fight, killing several other Trojan champions and nearly ending the war before he was killed by Hector's brother, Paris, with an arrow.
- Spear: Achilles inherited his spear from his father, who it was gifted to by Chiron. Mycenaean spears were typically between two and three meters long, with a leaf-shaped blade and a spike on the opposite end. The spear is unusually big and heavy, to the point that no ordinary man could lift it, Achilles wields it without difficulty. Achilles is also an expert at throwing his spear and rarely ever misses his mark.
- Sword: Achilles also inherited his father's sword. Mycenaean swords are typically pointed, double-edged, and about two feet in length. Unlike his spear, Achilles's sword is entirely mundane.
- Mycenaean Panoply: Achilles also inherited his father's armor, which was a wedding gift from the Olympians. The armor features a bronze cuirass of overlapping plates, pauldrons, a plumed helmet, greaves, and an aspis, a round shield about a meter in diameter. The armor has a notable weakness around the neck guard. Achilles is aware of the weakness and even exploited it when Hector was wearing the armor.
- Superhuman Physicality: Thanks to his godly heritage, Achilles is far more physically powerful than any ordinary man. Even as a youth, he was wrestling wolves and lions while living and training with Chiron. In battle, he thrusts through armor and the men behind it effortlessly. Having a boulder chucked at him by Aeneas didn't slow him down, and he once stood his ground against a tidal wave sent by a god that was powerful enough to uproot trees. He's noted as the fastest of all Greeks, easily dodging spears and javelins in battle, cutting down men before they can react, and keeping up with Chiron at full sprint.
Patroclus
The son of an Argonaut, Patroclus accidentally killed another child in anger and was sent to live with Peleus and Achilles. He was asked to mentor the younger Achilles in hopes and tempering his anger and the pair became fast friends, spending their entire young lives together. During the Trojan War, after Achilles withdrew from battle, Patroclus repeatedly tried and failed to convince him to give up his grudge against Agamemnon. Eventually, he settled for borrowing Achilles's iconic armor and taking his place in battle. Patroclus won many great victories in a brief time, successfully pushing back the Trojans. However, the gods decided to turn the tide once more and Apollo helped Hector to kill Patroclus. After Achilles's death, his and Patroclus's ashes were placed in the same urn.
- Spears: Patroclus carries a pair of spears into battle, one for throwing at the start of battle and one for the melee combat that will follow. They're ordinary Mycenaean spears, as was previously described.
- Sword: Patroclus also carries a sword as a last resort. It's an ordinary Mycenaean sword, as previously described.
- Mycenaean Panoply: Patroclus's personal armor is never described, but the typical bronze armor of a Mycenaean nobleman would be made up of a cuirass of overlapping plates, pauldrons, a helmet, greaves, and one of many different varities of shields.
Gilgamesh and Enkidu
Gilgamesh
The demigod king of the city of Uruk, Gilgamesh was a selfish and unjust ruler. Having decided to temper his pride, the gods created Enkidu, a wild man who could challenge his strength. The two battled with Gilgamesh barely winning, but he was humbled by Enkidu's strength. The pair became friends and went on many adventures together. Eventually, Gilgamesh drew the attention of Ishtar, the goddess of love. Ishtar proposed marriage to Gilgamesh, but he refused, knowing that Ishtar's loves typically met violent ends. Enraged, Ishtar summoned the Bull of Heaven, a giant monster, to kill the pair. The two instead slew the Bull of Heaven, but the gods decreed that Gilgamesh must die for the blasphemous act. Enkidu took his place and was killed. Filled with grief, Gilgamesh set out on a quest for immortality. He failed to become immortal but managed to overcome his fear of death and discover new meaning in life in the process.
- Sword: Gilgamesh had a custom sword made for his use before setting off on his adventures. It weighs one hundred fifty pounds in total, which speaks to its unusual size and Gilgamesh's great strength. The sword's shape is never specified, so, based on the time period, it could either be a straight broadsword or a curved sickle sword.
- Might of Heroes: Gilgamesh also had an axe made for him which might be the first named weapon in history. It weighs one hundred eighty pounds in total. Axes of ancient Mesopotamia were simple in design, resembling modern hatchets.
- Bow of Anshan: Gilgamesh also carries a bow, named after the region of Persia from which the materials it's made up of came. Given the time period, it's most likely a composite bow, made up of layered wood, horn, bone, and tendon.
- Voice of Heroes: The Voice of Heroes is Gilgamesh's custom-made bronze breastplate. Armor of the time was typically little more than rudimentary bronze plates bound to the body by straps of leather, but the Voice of Heroes is described as covering Gilgamesh altogether. To Gilgamesh, the armor's weight is like a light garment.
- Superhuman Physicality: Gilgamesh is famous for his great strength, possibly being the world's first example of super strength in fiction. He constructed the walls of Uruk entirely by himself and smashed said walls just as easily during his fight with Enkidu. He wields his impossibly heavy weapons with no issue and uses them to kill monsters with ease, like the giant Humbaba. His body is said to always be in perfect condition, traveling for days at a time with no rest.
Enkidu
As part of their plan to humble Gilgamesh, Enkidu was created by the gods. Sporting an animal-like appearance and lacking intelligence, Enkidu encountered a priestess who civilized him and gave him the friendship of her thighs, making him more human. After traveling to Uruk, he encountered Gilgamesh about to invoke jus primae noctis on a young bride and stood in his way, leading to a fight. Although Enkidu was defeated, he successfully humbled and befriended Gilgamesh. Enkidu missed life in the wild, leading the pair to go on their adventures together. After Gilgamesh was sentenced to death for the crime of slaying the Bull of Heaven, Enkidu demanded to take Gilgamesh's place and was slowly killed by a god-sent illness.
- Sword and Axe: The smiths of Uruk also forged custom-made weapons for Enkidu. His sword and axe are identical to Gilgamesh's weapons, being one hundred fifty pounds and one hundred eighty pounds respectively. The only difference is that Enkidu's axe doesn't have a cool name.
- Superhuman Physicality: Although he isn't as strong or tough as Gilgamesh, Enkidu is still very powerful and capable of keeping up with Gilgamesh in a lengthy wrestling match. He notably wrestled with the Bull of Heaven, a massive beast that left mass destruction in its wake, holding it still until Gilgamesh could finish it off.
X-Factor
Experience
Achilles and Patroclus have been training and fighting together since childhood. They trained with Chiron, a famous centaur and mentor of heroes, and fought for multiple years in the massive Trojan War, killing hundreds of enemy soldiers. They've both slain demigods and were only able to be killed through divine intervention. However, their most impressive feats of combat were done on their own when they have a personal aristeia, or display of heroic feats.
Not much detail is given about Gilgamesh and Enkidu's lives together. Aside from hunting some animals, they have only participated in a total of three confirmed fights throughout their lives: against each other, against Humbaba, a monstrous giant, and the Bull of Heaven. Additionally, the pair only met in the later parts of their lives. However, the pair worked very well together in the latter two fights, combining their strengths to slay monsters they never could've defeated alone.
Notes
- The battles takes place in a ruined city in the desert.
- Voting ends whenever.