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How fitting that I'm posting the rematch to my first ever fight, where I was just really tired and wanted to try something, when it's past midnight and I'm tired and I just want to get something out. Hello everyone. Let's get right to it.

Hit-Girl; the little girl turned ass-kicking superhero of the Kick-Ass universe


Sweet Tooth; Sweet Tooth, Needles Kane, whatever you call him he's a creepy killer clown participating in the Twisted Metal tournament.


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There's a lot you could say about Mindy McCready, and one of the things you could say was that she was a kid with a troubled past. Not exactly having an abusive family life or anything of the like, but her father was probably one of the most insane men that you could ever meet. Under the guise of Big Daddy, Mindy's father would teach her how to be a superhero. This superhero training would include shooting her while she was wearing a bulletproof vest, tying her up and dropping her in a lake, and teaching her how to kill people as early as the age of ten. Big Daddy lead her to believe that he was truly a hero.

Except...he was anything but. Big Daddy was nothing but a man who had wanted his daughter to have an exciting life. He was an accountant with a love of comic books and superhero movies, who would eventually take his daughter from his home, and his unsuspecting wife, and teach her how to kill her fellow man. Quite the childhood, wouldn't you say?

During a skirmish between a local crime lord which involved the upcoming hero Kick-Ass, Big Daddy would be killed, thankfully not right in front of Mindy. Afterwards, she swore revenge on the ones who had killed her father, including the new villain that would come out of her revenge-fueled murder spree; The Motherfucker.

Several things would happen to Mindy after this. She'd almost lose her life at the hands of Mother Russia, she would have to keep her superhero identity a secret from her mother and her new husband, all while protecting them from outside forces, and she would have to go to prison, eventually making every prisoner in the facility her bitch in the process. Everything that she's been'd have to admit that she's tougher than our average little girl. She's even armed to the teeth, as well. Don't believe me? I'll show you.

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When you're out stopping crime and gotta make sure you're home by dinner, you gotta have a trusty sidearm by your side. Or even two of them! This is where the trusty Glock 23 comes in. Hit-Girl duel wields two of these deadly firearms. While identical to the Glock 19, it is slightly heavier than the 19's 2 pounds when fully loaded. These bad boys have a magazine size of thirteen bullets. The bullets in question have a 9mm cartridge. With an effective firing range of fifty meters, these guns pack quite a punch for their small size.

Another small gun for a small can of kickass, the Mac-10 proves to be a quick weapon to use whenever you wanna gun down some fools with some fully-automatic action! The gun is a little on the heavy side, though, weighing about six pounds when empty. The gun has an astonishing fire rate of a little over 1000 rpm. It also possesses a thirty round magazine filled with .45 ACP rounds.

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Hit-Girl's classic weapon, this short sword is capable of easily slicing through heads and people alike when wielded by this slightly psychotic child. The wakizashi isn't a long blade, though. It's only around 30 to 60 cm long. It makes up for this by being light and quick to slash around. It weighs less than a pound, after all. Perfect for a girl with still growing muscles.

Sweet Tooth


Take your average, run of the mill ice cream man, mix him with a split personality who is basically the devil himself, and an ice cream truck that can turn into a god damn mech of destruction, and you have Sweet Tooth. Well, technically, Sweet Tooth is the name of his car. His real name is Needles, but for the sake of everyone I'm going to call him Sweet Tooth. Originally, Needles was a normal man named Marcus Kane, with a normal family, and a normal job. The only thing that wasn't normal about him was the side of him that wanted to hurt, maim, and kill everyone that he was close to.

Though Marcus tried his hardest, that side of him eventually won, and he murdered his wife, and attempted to murder his daughter. Unfortunately, she had gotten away! Though, this wouldn't stop Needles. You can't ruin this clown's vibe! He still went on a completely murderous rampage. When he was finally caught and sentenced to death, he was cursed by a preacher to forever feel the fires of hell, hence why his head caught on fire.'s weird. Anyways, Needles survived the electric chair because...of course he did. After breaking out of that bitch, he went on another killing spree! Only shortly after did he discover something called Twisted Metal, a destruction derby-like competition where the winner could get any wish granted to them. Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to hunt down his daughter, Needles signed up for Twisted Metal...


Sweet Tooth isn't playing around with the guns he has. Even though he's often in his vehicle, he packs some serious heat when he wants to shoot you in the face. This is exemplified in his choice of shotgun, the Spas-12

Weighing in at almost a whopping ten pounds, the gun is capable of taking in six 12 gauge shotgun shells, which will do serious damage when colliding with any part of the body. This gun is pump action, meaning that there is a short amount of time in between shots, but with a gun that had pretty decent range, and a pretty decent spread, good luck getting away from it before its ready to fire again.


Keeping the theme of somewhat heavy guns that are packing a seriously heavy punch, Sweet Tooth brings in his second weapon of choice, being the gun of Israeli origin, the Uzi.

Being the standard weapon for gangsters all over the place (probably I don't know any personally), the gun provides a steady rate of fire of about 600 rpm (according to Wikipedia). It also possesses a generous 32 round box magazine that are filled with 9x19mm parabellum rounds. With an effective firing range of 200 meters, you're not getting out of this things sights before getting smoked. A classic weapon for a classic killer clown.


While a machete isn't the most effective weapon ever, Sweet Tooth's melee weapon of choice should do more than strike fear into the hearts of whatever poor soul sees it. It's big, it's sharp, and it has probably killed way too many people giving what weapon it is.

And oh boy is this thing huge! It's blade is easily about the size of Sweet Tooth's entire arm, giving it much more range than that of an average machete. With it's serrated edge, it can easily tear up cloth and flesh alike, leaving bad wounds and causing opponents to bleed quickly. The machete is also likely heavy, causing it to pack quite a wallop. A normal machete weighs about a pound, but with this thing practically being a broadsword, it's likely a bit heavier than that, which makes it all the better for killing!



While Hit-Girl is only a girl who hasn't even reached high school yet, her planning, organizational skills, and general knowledge on how to kickass are second to none. She's able to take proper precautions and plan ahead very effectively, like when she rigs a field to explode because she knew a bunch of cop cars would be parked in said field. She's also knowledgeable on many different methods to kill. She can make a bomb from normal items you'd find in your kitchen cupboards. She's even made plans for other people to effectively bust herself out of prison if she were to ever get arrested. The girl's not only smart, but she definitely plans ahead.

Sweet Tooth, meanwhile, hasn't really shown much when it comes to advanced intelligence. While one could infer that he was the one who had turned the Sweet Tooth into the destruction machine that it is today, it's never really confirmed by the game. The only thing that Sweet Tooth has really shown is a knack for killing people in creative or gruesome ways. Heck, I'd say he's even prone to being tricked sometimes, as Calypso, the head of the Twisted Metal tournament, has tricked Sweet Tooth into believing that his daughter is alive when she actually isn't.


When it comes to experience, Hit-Girl has a lot of it. While she already had been dealing with a lot of criminals when she was being all hero-like with Big Daddy, she stopped even more crime after his passing. Her wonderful killing sprees include whole rooms full of armed gangsters, which she gets out of mostly unscathed, crooked police officers, and even the occasional bad guy with some actual military training (Mother Russia is the prime example here).

Sweet Tooth has also had his fair share of murder, though. Weather it's galivanting through a hospital with a machete, killing all the doctors in sight, or shooting other murderous drivers through the window of his vehicle, he's done a lot of murdering. This includes the police officers that would oversee his would-be execution, had he not survived the electric chair, and it's safe to assume that Sweet Tooth has killed his fair share of cops in life.


When it comes to physicality, Hit-Girl is surprisingly tough for a little girl, but the problem is that...she's still a little girl. Her best feats of strength are normally slicing through heads with her sword and sometimes lifting other small children like her. She does have being agile going for her, but if she were to get grappled by someone who's stronger than her, she's in big trouble. Mother Russia, a former KGB operative, showed this by almost killing Hit-Girl after completely overpowering her. Hit-Girl was only able to win in the end after Mother Russia was distracted.

As for Sweet Tooth, well, he's a big guy. As in, he could probably rip your head off no problem kind of guy. ...while that's a bit of an exaggeration, Sweet Tooth is strong enough to completely overpower most average adults he comes across, including police officers. Hell, he even broke out of his restraints when tied to the electric chair. Speaking of that, the electric chair shows how durable Sweet Tooth really is. He didn't just survive the electric chair, he took that shit like it was nothing! Sweet Tooth is no stranger to pain, as he can push through getting shot by police officers, and having his head be on fire 24/7. Just imagine how that feels. Yeesh!

The Battle

A motorcycle engine roared into the night as it barreled down empty streets. Atop the vehicle in question was a girl who not only was way too young to drive, but she was also staying up far past her bedtime. Of course, crime never stops to take a rest, and neither does the vigilante hero known as Hit-Girl.

She had been on another one of her nightly patrols. Dave had always told her to maybe calm down with all the nightly activities, but she could never keep herself normal for long. She had been raised on this crime fighting kickassery, and she wasn’t going to give it up anytime soon.

As she blazed past city streets, she noticed something interesting. There were about three separate police cars, all parked in front of some dinky looking cafe area. Most of the lights were off, and those that were on were blinking on and off, providing a sort of eerie atmosphere. The police cruisers still had their lights on, and there wasn't any sign of anybody outside.

“Weird,” Mindy muttered to herself as she took a sharp turn on her bike. The motorcycle responded in kind and shortly after she was rolling into the cafe’s parking lot. Her motorbike grumbled loudly, only becoming silent as she yanked the keys out of the ignition. She spun a keyring around her finger before shoving it into her pocket.

“Let’s see what we got here,” she said as she walked towards the front door of the café. Even when outside, the limited light that was in the building allowed her to see that no one was standing in the main room of the café. No signs of any police officers. It was a strange sight.

“Why do I get the feeling I’m about to walk into some weird shit?” Mindy’s hand went to her pistol, which she carefully gripped the handle of as she moved forward. She slowly and quietly pushed the cafe’s front door open. As she stepped inside, her eyes began to adjust to the darkness.

As her eyes adjusted, the vague shapes of dead bodies lining the floor would make themselves known. It wasn’t until she noticed the bodies that the smell had hit her dead on. That nasty, iron smell that came with a bloodbath. It hit her like a truck, and she moved her hand from her pistol to cover her nose.

“Oh, god.” It wasn’t an exclamation of fear, but of annoyance and irritation. As she stepped closer, she counted the bodies. Eight of them in total? It was hard to count considering how strewn about some of these body parts were. She was pretty sure at least five of them were officers, the other three being normal civilians. “What the hell happened to you?”

Shortly after she spoke, a sound rang out through the café. It was a loud thumping sound, like heavy footsteps. Heavy footsteps that were heading right towards her!

Mindy spun around and saw a masked man be illuminated by...was that fire? The man’s face was covered in an orange glow, and he was approaching her fast. A light flickered, and reflected off the giant machete blade he held over his head, bloody and rusty from his fresh kills.

“Fuck!” Hit-Girl ran on instinct and unsheathed her sword. She held it out horizontally, to intercept the blade just as it came down. A few sparks rang out, dancing around the two as the masked man slammed down onto her blade with all the force he had...which was a lot, evidently. The impact alone made Mindy’s arms ache.

She stumbled back from the blow, and glared at the man. She could take a closer look at him, and determined that yes, his head was in fact on fire. It dimly illuminated his clown mask, which gave her the most wicked grin she’s ever seen. For a moment, a flash of recognition was present on Mindy’s face, before it turned into steely determination.

“Sweet Tooth?” She asked through gritted teeth, losing the physical altercation as the man pushed against her. Could you blame her, though? The man was easily twice her size. It was impressive she could even stand up to him.

“In the flesh,” the man responded, his voice having a tone of glee to it as he was recognized. It was gross.

Mindy recognized him from the news. They had a breaking news report about him a few days ago, about how he had been sighted in the area, and how he was armed and incredibly dangerous. Honestly, he was just the kind of guy that Mindy was looking for.

“Nice meeting you...” In a risky gambit, she moved her hand away from her blade. Sweet Tooth’s machete pushed forward with the intent of slashing into her. Before the blade could make contact, Mindy used her now free hand to pull out her Glock. She shot him twice in the chest. “Motherfucker…”

Sweet Tooth’s body tensed up from the bullets, and he took a step back. Mindy had expected him to fall to his knees, but he kept standing. If anything, he looked more ready to clobber her than before.

“What the fu-”

She was cut off as Sweet Tooth charged forward, punching her square in the chest. She was sent flying back, and slammed onto one of the café tables. She winced as she tumbled off the table and fell to the ground, knocking the table down with her.

“Guns are for grown ups, kid.”

“Shut up.” She moved into a sitting position, letting go of her sword to pull out her other pistol. Now armed with two firearms, she fired six times at the man. In a surprising display, he had adjusted his machete to block the bullets, just barely protecting his body with the killer hunk of metal.

“I got guns too, kid!” Sweet Tooth put his machete aside, tossing it to the ground as he pulled out a shotgun. He pumped the shotgun and then aimed it towards the child. “Mine’s better!”

“Shit shit shit,” she muttered under her breath as she scrambled to her feet. A shot rang out, the spread barely missing her as she crouched behind the table to use as cover. Another shot rang out, and it took a chunk off the table with it. Again, it just barely missed her. One hit from that thing, and she’d be dead.

“Alright. Plan, plan...I need a plan…” Well, she had a plan, but it was a stupid idea. Which probably meant it was going to work in the long run. She took a deep breath. Always go with your gut, right?

She rolled out of cover, a graceful somersault which ended with her in a kneeling position. She held both guns out and opened fire on the killer clown. She didn’t have a lot of time to aim, and going akimbo made her even more inaccurate. Most of the bullets didn’t hit, but they accomplished their mission of deterring him. Sweet Tooth moved away from the hail of gunfire and moved behind the cashier counter, which would be more than ample cover for him.

That’s when Hit-Girl got to work. She quickly moved from one table to another, knocking it on its side so that it could be used as future cover. Once she had knocked down three other tables, she crouched down again. Alright, pistols won’t cut it. Time to try the machine pistol.

Unfortunately, she didn’t bring her assault rifle with her tonight. It was a stupid thing to do, but she didn’t expect to get into a gunfight tonight. She grabbed her automatic and held it close to her. Just pop up, and pump him full of lead. Pop and pump. Simple enough.

She poked her body out of cover and aimed towards the counter, only to find Sweet Tooth had a similar idea to her own. He was aiming a gun, unmistakably an Uzi, directly at her. Her eyes widened and she fell into a crouching position as bullets sprayed out overhead.

Hit-Girl pressed herself against the table and groaned. This guy was really getting on her nerves. She poked her gun out of cover, towards the counter, and blindly fired in his direction. It wasn’t much, but she might get lucky and hit him.

She fired in bursts, to keep her shots accurate, but judging by the fact Sweet Tooth wasn’t screaming in pain right now, she was going to bet that she missed. She pulled her gun back into cover and changed the magazine, practically slamming it into the mag well. She cocked the gun and closed her eyes for a moment. She had to end this soon, otherwise one of his bullets was going to land.

Hit-Girl bolted up from behind cover and aimed her gun towards the counter, only to see that Sweet Tooth wasn’t there anymore. She faltered for a moment with her aim, and frowned. Where the fuck could a guy that big go without her noticing?

Evidently the answer was “really fucking close by”, because he suddenly appeared next to her, as if coming up from the floor. He grabbed her arm and punched her in the face. Her grip on the gun faltered, and it clattered to the ground.

Sweet Tooth then grabbed her by the throat and lifted her into the air. His grip was tight around her neck, and she struggled to breath. She meekly kicked at him, but she couldn’t get her legs far enough to hit him.

“Thanks for playing,” he said in an almost playful tone before tossing her to the center of the room. Her head slammed back against the tiled floor, and she cried out in pain. Her vision was blurred slightly from impact. As she tried to pull herself together, Sweet Tooth stood before her, holding his giant machete. He let out a dark chuckle.

Hit-Girl brought herself into a sitting position, and attempted to scramble away from him. Any distance she made, however, would quickly be closed by a single step forward from Sweet Tooth. Shit...she needed a weapon. Now.

Her eyes still on Sweet Tooth, she reached around on the ground, trying to grasp anything that could be a weapon. She had her Glocks, but, like an idiot, she forgot to load them before moving onto her machine pistol. This whole night felt like one big rookie mistake.

“I’m gonna enjoy killing you.” The clown laughed as he brought his machete into the air, ready to slaughter her like she was some sort of livestock.

Her hand gripped something. It felt like a gun. Maybe one of the officer’s? Her fingers wrapped around the handle of a gun, and she aimed at Sweet Tooth. She pulled the trigger, and then pulled it again. Then again, and again, and again.

Mindy must have used the entire magazine, unloading the bullets into the clown. Blood spurted out from the gunshot wounds, as the man took several steps back. He could take one or two bullets, but he couldn’t take ten of them at once. At least, Mindy hoped so.

As the man backed away, bleeding from several gunshot wounds, the grip on his machete loosened, and it clattered to the ground. “You…”

He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence. Mindy pulled out one of her Glocks. It was loaded within a second, and she unloaded that magazine into the killer clown as well. With an extra ten or so bullet stuck in the man, he finally fell over backwards. His head still ablaze, he spent his last few breaths letting out a weak laugh, before falling limp.

Mindy took several deep breaths as she stared at the corpse. She holstered her Glock once more and moved through the café, looking for her other guns, and her sword. Once she had gathered them all up, she walked outside, hopped on her motorcycle, and drove off.


The next day, at family dinner, Mindy lazily poked at the meal that her mother had made, taking a few bites of it. Normally, she wasn’t tired after her nightly patrols, but that damn clown had taken a lot out of her tonight.

“Are you okay, Mindy?” Her mother asked, looking at her with a small amount of concern. “You seem tired. Long day at school?”

“Huh?” Mindy glanced at her mother before nodding. She waved her fork around. “Oh, yeah, you know. Homework and...P.E. and stuff.” She shrugged before turning to her father’s boyfriend. “Marcus, how was work? Find anything cool?”

“Nothing a little girl needs to know about.” The officer took a bite of his own food. As he chewed, the television in the living room blared out to them. It was the sound of another news report. The three glanced into the living room to see a woman at the scene of a cafe, which Mindy recognized as the one she was at last night.

“A gruesome scene has unraveled at a local café downtown. The opening staff were shocked when they stepped into the establishment, and saw eight bodies litter the ground, two of them being café staff, with the other six being police officers. The bodies have reportedly suffered multiple lacerations, stab wounds and gunshots.”

“Oh my god,” Mindy could hear her mom mutter under her breath, as their eyes remained glued to the television.

“At the scene of the crime, officers found a giant, bloody machete. The officers believe that this weapon belongs to none other than the Sweet Tooth killer. Despite his machete being found, though, there were no signs of the Sweet Tooth killer himself. Police officials are currently speculating what this left behind weapon could mean.”

Mindy’s body tensed up. No signs of the killer? But she killed him, right there in that café! “What? That’s impossible!”

Both her mother and Marcus turned to look at her, and she quickly relaxed her body. She shook her head. “I mean, uh, how could one guy take out like, six officers by himself? That’s, like, impossible, isn’t it?”

“Whatever it is, it’s scary.” Her mother shook her head. “Marcus, please be careful out there.”

“I will, don’t worry.” The officer seemed anxious as he spoke, but despite this he continued to eat his food.

Mindy also went back to eating her food, but she was very unhappy. She killed that guy, she knew she did, so either his corpse had somehow been reanimated by black magic, or someone had snagged his body for whatever freaky reason. She hoped it was the latter. The last thing she needed was some killer zombie clown running around with a grudge against her.

Guess that was one more thing she’d have to look out for on patrol tonight...