- 1 DFederal Prologue
- 2 Team Fake Anime
- 3 Team EA Warriors
“What did you think of my second chapter?” asked Rafael Uribe Uribe in Spanish.
“Honestly, it’s not bad,” replied EA, a pale, slim figure much younger than the Colombian general, clad in a jacket with elbow pads. “I’m impressed with the primary sources you … ah, what’s the word,” he paused, stumbling over his Spanish. “Dredged up,” he finished in English. Uribe raised an eyebrow. “Don’t give me that, Uribe,” EA retorted in Spanish, smirking. “I read your letter to the canal thief for my own thesis, you know. Your English isn’t flawless, either.”
Uribe tugged at the sling wrapped around his forehead like a headband and cast his gaze across the wall. “Yeah, well, he’s an asshole,” he said. The wall was mostly filled with framed “Battle of the Month” awards, signed photographs of various military figures, and a World War I U.S. propaganda poster advertising a book drive for soldiers overseas. The soldier depicted on the poster had a bayoneted rifle slung over his shoulder and a small smile on his face as he tottered under the tower of unsteadily-stacked books he balanced in his grasp.
“Well, I marked it up with some comments,” EA said. “Run it by your committee members over at East U, see what they think. But it’s not bad. This is really good social history.” He switched to English: “I liked seeing ya boi Maceo show up in the research. Colombians in Cuba, amazing shit.”
EA’s office in the Alameinian Military Library was big, mostly to accommodate for several tables with massive maps spread across their surfaces. Miniatures dotted the abstract landscapes. The user ambled out from behind his desk, leaving Uribe’s thesis piled up for the general to collect them. The two men looked down at the game unfolding on the table.
“You fucked up, dude,” Uribe said in English. “Look—”
“Yeah, I fuckin’ see it,” said EA, shaking his head at himself. “That’s a big salient right there. Go ahead, it’s your turn.”
Uribe leaned forward and pushed a gray plastic tank over some flat, printed trees and into a pocket between two tan plastic infantry columns. “You’re a terrible strategist, you know! Why are you my thesis director again? I’m the soldier with actual combat experience.”
EA cupped his chin in the palm of his hand and squinted at the board. “God damn it,” he said ruefully, clearly enjoying the game. “Yeah, there goes that whole army group. Well, Uribe, remember: I’m the historian.” “Eh, ave María,” came the exasperated response.
EA pulled out his phone and flicked his thumb across the screen to silence the Sabaton ringtone. “What the fuck?” he said.
“It’s a text from Monty. It’s, uh… well, there’s some shit that might get me in hot water with the other users.”
“What’s going on?”
“Uh… well, it has to do with anime.”
Uribe shuddered. “You can come with me if you want,” EA said. He bent down over the board and scribbled on a notepad placed to the side of a bag of dice, my turn next.
* * *
The three sling-headband-wearing men picked their way over heaps of industrial rubble and winced at the smell of sulfur and shit that wafted up from below. The denizens of the lower-class district peered suspiciously out from their very modest dwellings at the noisy interlopers, but recognized the presence of a user. EA had swapped his normal library attire for hiking boots, khakis, and a long-sleeved green button down covered by a fishing vest that, if you had absolutely no idea what a flak jacket looked like, might resemble a flak jacket. “How did you find out?” asked EA.
“Uh… well, they were actually in the library, sir, the microfilm basement,” Monty said, his slingband wrapped around the base of his beret. “They were all quite friendly with me… I dare say, not at all cooperative, of course, but friendly nonetheless.”
“Well, yeah,” EA grunted. “I imagine they would be, to you.”
“Yes, well… naturally, I realized something was wrong. Wasn’t sure how they’d gotten out here. To be honest, sir, I didn’t really know you… had these things.”
There was a pause as the field marshal stopped and looked at EA. Uribe gave his fellow graduate student a puzzled look, then turned to scrutinize the user. EA steadied himself on the rubble and turned his hands, palms up, in a subconscious defensive gesture. “So?” he said. “What’s the big deal? You guys know I make movies.”
“It’s not just them,” Monty said. “They were gearing up to go after some anime ones.”
“That you made.”
Uribe’s eyes shot open in surprise. “¿Qué carajo? What are you talking about, Monty?”
“Okay, okay,” EA said, raising his eyebrows and extending his arms in defeat, unable to dodge the accusation. “Look, to be absolutely clear: I fucking hate anime.” Uribe shuddered. “I was doing research.” He turned to look at the Colombian general. “Do you like the Americans? No, but you’re doing research on them for your thesis, aren’t you?”
Monty crossed his arms over his gray sweater. Uribe looked down at the ground. “We can talk about this more later,” EA said. “Do any of the other users know about this?”
“Ah, well… can’t be quite certain about that, sir. You’re the only one we really deal with. But taking into consideration the fact that things have stayed as calm as they have, my guess would be… not yet.”
“Let’s keep it that way.”
Team Fake Anime
Team Fake Anime is a ragtag band of anime characters designed by EA himself in the Discord at the behest of other users. While Fake Leo thinks it is a sad and old gag, EA knows that the One True Leo (which Fake Leo also thinks is a sad and old gag) appreciates it. They represent EA's understanding of anime through osmosis and his limited, mostly-unwilling exposure to the medium through that one friend of his who made him watch anime in middle school. The shows were recently taken off the DFederal version of Crunchyroll because some users discovered the characters were all OCs, even though Kazzy himself thought the fake Japanese names sounded real enough. This got EA in hot water, and he really hopes that he can clean up this mess before the other users realize the anime shenanigans he's unleashed on DFederal.
Gummy Lorenzo is an unemployed kleptomaniac recluse and drug dealer from Tokyo in the anime ZumboManiac. After years of holding out, Gummy gave in and tried his own supply. Fortunately for him, the day he wakes up after a raging binge, the zombie apocalypse has ravaged the city and his drug-addled body leaves him invisible to the undead’s senses.
Gummy discovers he is not the only one to have evaded the zombies’ attention, however. His former dealer Flappy Alberto fortified the local grocery store and transformed it into a drug-dealing bastion, where Flappy keeps his customers hooked not only through their addictions but also on their dependence on the substances to remain unnoticed by the zombies. Gummy is caught almost immediately during his first attempt to break into Flappy’s stash, but Flappy releases Gummy, believing him to be no threat.
Gummy ultimately kills Flappy after he first slathers himself in zombie entrails and hides as a member of a horde that breaches the supermarket. Because the drugged-out inhabitants believe the zombies to be no threat, and because they are stoned out of their minds, their response is limited and mostly ineffective, allowing Gummy to get close enough to Flappy to literally rip him to pieces with his fingernails and teeth. Gummy then assumes control of the supermarket fortress, weaponizing the zombies as a makeshift perimeter barrier around the store and becoming the new supplier for the inhabitants of the store. (Season 1 only)
Gummy Lorenzo has a major addiction to heroin, cocaine, and methamphetamines. However, since this is Gummy at the end of Season 1, he is in control of the supermarket and will have enough drugs to last him for at least one high.
As a consequence of his drug addiction, as well as his general experience with the zombie apocalypse, Gummy is pretty much unfazed in the face of experiences that would traumatize most normal human beings. He has no compunctions about resorting to extreme physical violence.
Despite his crippling drug addiction and major violent tendencies, Gummy demonstrates surprising levels of patience and tactical thinking, like when he infiltrated the supermarket in a zombie horde and fashioned various tools and items of clothing from zombie corpses.
Glabinsto Globulnuro is a wrestling exec and sumo pimp in the anime Thunder Lovers! Glory Rolls in the Sumo Ring! He is a ruthless human trafficker who forces innocent sumo wrestlers into his cabal where they must don the sash and belt of the demon lord Gozuku Doni Ono. He raised his stepniece, Kalikaka Shishi Jinjin, in a dog fighting ring in order to make her a vicious enforcer to keep his sumos in line.
Glabinsto successfully thwarted an attempted sumo uprising, when he discovered the ringleader Takehama Choshunaki and killed his grandmother the day her cancer went into remission. But while this bought Glabinsto some time, it only hardened the resolve of the sumo wrestlers to resist. Unbeknownst to Glabinsto, Kalikaka grew sympathetic toward the sumos after she discovered their secret mutual support society called the Thunder Lovers. To the sumos’ surprise, upon witnessing the wrestlers affirm friendship and kindness for one another, Kalikaka’s trauma came to the forefront as she realized what her step uncle had subjected her to. The sumos took her in and adopted her as their own daughter in secret.
When Glabinsto tried to offer Kalikaka to the demon lord Gozuku Doni Ono as a sacrifice in a desperate bid to maintain his power over the increasingly unruly sumos, the Thunder Lovers finally rose in open rebellion. The power of their self-affirmation overcame Glabinsto’s emotional manipulation, and when it became clear that he had no control over his group, the demon lord devoured him in retribution.
Glabinsto is a functional sociopath who appears outwardly friendly and even personable, but is secretly a mean, manipulative, abusive control freak whose force of personality is such that sumos who could otherwise break him like a toothpick are bullied into captivity. He also controls his stepniece through sheer fear.
Glabinsto is quite physically fit and acrobatic, and is also a great dancer. Sometimes—though not always, and the anime does not make it clear what causes the effect to trigger—Glabinsto’s dance moves can stun his enemies into a stupor. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason as to what causes this, or what causes it to be unsuccessful.
Glabinsto is extremely emotional and will fly into an unbridled fury if things do not go his way—i.e. if his orders are not obeyed or if someone displeases him. This rage can be so intense as to make him shatter plates and glasses by throwing them onto the floor, and to cut his hand on the shards.
Glabinsto has an unfortunate tendency to miscalculate his odds at success, and as such he has overplayed his hand on a number of occasions. This includes actual moments of gambling, but also his ultimate downfall, when he believed he still controlled his sumos and stepniece and summoned the demon lord Gozuku Doni Ono, who promptly devoured him upon witnessing the utter lack of control Glabinsto had over the situation.
Jerky Leathertan is a tough-talking biker and chippendale entertainer who spends all his dough at the tanning bed in the anime Chemo-Caliber. Vainglorious and airheaded, his life is upended when he discovers he has skin cancer. Realizing how ill their friend is, Jerky’s biker gang kicks him from the group and swindles him from his life savings, forcing him to battle them in order to have a fighting chance at fighting off cancer.
In season 2, Jerky has already tracked down his former best friend, Chopsmoke Hamstack, and beaten the truth out of him that the true mastermind behind the bike gang’s heist was Meatloaf Poundcake. Jerky enrolls in krav maga, where he meets ex-Israeli commando Moti Dayan (great-grandson of famous general Moshe Dayan) who agrees to follow his disciple on the road to revenge. The pair roll out on their bikes to Meatloaf’s hideout, defeating his lieutenants along the way. Once they arrive, they find that Meatloaf has long since fled the area.
By this point, Jerky’s cancer has started to weaken him somewhat, but with Moti’s encouragement, they decide to investigate rumors of a Shaolin monk in the city. It turns out to be an ambush laid by Meatloaf’s men, and Jerky overcomes his assailants only through herculean effort. As he collapses, surrounded by the broken bodies of his would-be attackers, Jerky looks up to find a mysterious figure walk through the doorway—a potential savior, or else an enemy there to finish off the valiant biker warrior—right as the season comes to an end.
Although he is stricken with cancer, Jerky Leathertan pushes through the pain and sickness and fights his opponents in hand-to-hand combat. This allows him to push beyond the pain limits that most cancer patients would experience, and lets him focus on getting revenge on Meatloaf and his gang members.
Jerky is overall a pretty decent guy. Although he was a self-centered narcissist before his cancer diagnosis, he underwent a lot of soul searching and decided that part of his redemption would come through helping others. As a result, he will put the needs of others before his own to the extent possible, and is extremely loyal to his allies (like Moti).
Jerky is a dangerous fighter, but he is still very sick with cancer and as a result lacks the stamina and endurance that he once had. Although his determination allows him to push beyond the pain in the heat of the moment, this is not sustainable and he can only keep going for so long before he gasses out.
Sergeant Bill Toothpick
Sergeant Bill Toothpick is an irascible Vietnam War veteran and street brawler with a heart of gold from the anime Black Lagoon. He is a well-meaning orphan-adopter who raised Revy and taught her everything she knows about guns.
Bill was a door gunner on a Huey and fought throughout various hot landing zones in I Corps before the Tet Offensive. He returned to the states after completing his tour and got tangled up with the criminal underground, finding himself at odds with the branch of a Yakuza gang in Black Lagoon, California. But he always believed in the inherent goodness of people, and hoped he might raise Revy outside of the influence of violence that seemed to surround his own life.
He negotiated a truce between the Yakuza gang and the local police department, but unfortunately for him the police were using his skills as an intermediary as a pretext to move in and take out the top Yakuza leadership. Though they did bag several top lieutenants and arrest them, the regional leader evaded capture and placed a bounty on Bill. He killed his assailants in two different failed assassination attempts, all without Revy realizing the danger she and her adopted father were in. Tragically for Revy, the illusion was not to last. Bill was ambushed and shot dead when he took her to the shopping mall one day in Black Lagoon, and she swore vengeance on criminals from that day forward. She also ripped her trademark jeans in mourning and swore never to wear pants again.
Bill Toothpick received standard-issue training for the US military and served as a door gunner on a Huey for a full tour of duty during the Vietnam War. He also survived two assassination attempts directed by the Yakuza.
Bill is a pessimist, possibly due to undiagnosed PTSD from his time in Vietnam. This helps explain why he did not take a more proactive approach to avoid the Yakuza in Black Lagoon, CA. If he believes his life is in danger—or even if Revy’s life is in danger—he will take steps to protect himself, but he will not take active steps to drastically change the situation or physically extricate himself from harm’s way.
Bill believes in doing the right thing, even though he believes the world is a fundamentally rotten place. That’s why he took in Revy, and why he offered to try to serve as an intermediary between the police and the Yakuza branch.
Bill is addicted to cigarettes and is usually seen smoking. Sometimes he chews tobacco, but he doesn't like it as much as smoking. Sometimes he chews gum, but that's only as a last resort.
Team EA Warriors
Team EA Warriors is a ragtag band of fictional characters portrayed by EA himself in various amateur films that he wrote, edited, and directed throughout his time in high school and college. Despite EA's best efforts, none of his entries have been admitted to the DFederal Film Festival. He keeps sending Rafael Uribe Uribe to check in with Cfp or Beast about it, but Uribe keeps coming back telling EA that their secretaries report them as "busy," even though once Uribe waited in the lobby around the corner until he heard Beast complaining about how he was bored before he went in to request an appointment. As some manifestation of EA himself, the EA Warriors all possess a burning hatred of anime and recently broke out of OCity, into the Alamein Military Library for reasons as of yet unknown, and returned to OCity with the goal of exterminating Team Fake Anime.
Tiberio Lottoni is an Italian soldier from the 2019 film Men Against Fire. Raised alongside his little brother Anselmo, Tiberio lived a mostly unremarkable life in the shadow of Mussolini’s fascist empire. Anselmo, however, was far more susceptible to the dictator’s propaganda, and volunteered for armed service during the Second World War. Tiberio, having promised his mother that he would protect his younger sibling, begrudgingly volunteered, leaving behind his girlfriend Sofia to accompany Anselmo to the North African front.
Immediately upon their arrival in Libya, however, Tiberio’s and Anselmo’s unit was attacked by Luftwaffe aircraft in a case of mistaken identity. The friendly fire incident left Anselmo mortally wounded, and he died in Tiberio’s arms. Horrified at the experience and utterly disillusioned with the war, Tiberio deserted and wandered off during fighting around Tobruk, in the hopes of finding an Allied unit to surrender himself to.
Instead, he came across a motley pair of Allied soldiers—Englishman Nigel Fletcher and Frenchman Heurtebise Vigot—who were themselves stranded and in custody of downed Luftwaffe crewman Joachim Sauer. Tiberio surrendered himself to the group, but they came under sniper fire from an Italian marksman sent out to assassinate Tiberio as punishment for his defection. Nigel killed the sniper, and while the group waited to ambush Joachim’s rescue party, the German taunted Tiberio for having surrendered. Tiberio snapped, threatened Joachim, and stomped off into an unmarked minefield, where he stepped on a mine and blew his leg off. He bled to death shortly thereafter.
Tiberio wandered alone in the North African desert for an unspecified period of time with no food or water, and was entirely unfazed when he came across the Allied soldiers to surrender himself. This is not to imply that he possessed any superhuman endurance—the film did not imply he spent days and days in the desert—but it is reasonable to assume that he weathered a few hours in the desert heat without any apparent effect.
Tiberio was a volunteer, not a conscript, for the Italian military, having followed Anselmo into the service. Presumably, he received at least a basic degree of general weapons training, survival skills, and other associated components of general military training.
Tiberio witnesses his brother die in his arms and was traumatized. He was then goaded throughout the entire film by Joachim for being a coward, traitor, deserter, and not a real man. Eventually this leads him to snap, threaten Joachim with a weapon, and blindly stomp directly into a minefield to his death. Tiberio also expresses a general unwillingness to die or to be maimed in battle. His trauma did not render him incapable of functioning, but it clouded his judgment at times.
Tiberio is well-liked overall. With the exception of the antagonistic Joachim, Tiberio more or less gets along well with the group of stranded soldiers in the desert. He develops a friendship with Heurtebise and over the course of the film manages to talk him out of his suicidal state. He also bonds with the group over their various misfortunes in their respective love lives.
Tiberio is a native speaker of Italian but also speaks fluent, if (poorly-acted) accented English.
General Cromwell is a genocidal warlord from the 2017 film Atomic Slate. Little is known about his early life, but in the aftermath of a global nuclear war triggered by President Douglas MacArthur in July and August of 1953, the world was reduced to a desolate, barren wasteland. Cromwell emerged to seize control in some undisclosed part of the United States, employing relatively sophisticated technology such as radios and motor vehicles to monopolize communications and the distribution of precious resources like gasoline, electricity, food, and water.
General Cromwell’s goal is the eradication of all mutants, genetically-modified humans who suffer from prominent skin lesions but otherwise represent no actual behavioral, social, or military threat to non-mutants. Cromwell uses his radio broadcaster Mark Rovahen to transmit anti-mutant propaganda on their show The Wasteland Wavelength, and he sends armed death squads out into the desert to execute mutants and their sympathizers.
When an intrepid survivor named Agrippina kidnaps Rovahen, Cromwell drives out to broker a deal in exchange for his radio host’s return. Unbeknownst to Cromwell, one of Agrippina’s crew mates, Montgomery, is a mutant. After a tense exchange, the general gives Agrippina’s group gasoline for their van in exchange for the safe return of Mark Rovahen, and departs after warning them not to cross him again.
General Cromwell is a supremely self-confident individual, and he is also deeply racist against mutants. These two traits combine to make a very arrogant warlord, one who believes he is a representative of the human race and is carrying out a mission for humanity to destroy all mutants.
Cromwell runs a relatively sophisticated armed militia group that includes a propaganda division and highly mobile death squads that use vehicles, radios, and automatic weapons to communicate and extend control across the desert wasteland. He was able to locate and track down Mark Rovahen after only a few hours into his kidnapping, indicating a surprisingly effective, disciplined, and competently organized armed force.
General Cromwell is arrogant but is also generally willing to cooperate with all individuals he perceives to be non-mutant. Even though he threatened Agrippina with weapons, for instance, he was willing to give her gasoline in exchange for Mark Rovahen because he believed that she represented the goodness and potential inherent in the human race. He is well-spoken and has a commanding presence.
Cromwell likes to be in charge of things, or at least likes to create the illusion that he is in charge. He does not particularly take to dealing with individuals he considers beneath him, though individuals that surprise him or otherwise pique his curiosity may earn condescension rather than outright scorn.
Jon G. Leur
Jon G. Leur is a rogue minstrel-turned-bandit in the 2016 film Jongleurs. In 13th century England, King Evan declares that women may not inherit property mere moments before Count Cador announces the birth of his child—a daughter, who he declares to be a son in order to protect her inheritance rights. Years later, when Cador’s daughter is an adolescent, she suddenly disappears along with some traveling minstrels. Believing Cador’s child to be the victim of kidnapping, King Evan abruptly declares all minstreling illegal in 13th century England, and Jon is left with no way to make a living and risks execution if captured.
Jon forms the Jongleurs, a criminal gang, alongside George of the Jongle and Kim Jong Le. They make a living ambushing unwary travelers and royal guards, as well as fighting other minstrel gangs like the Troubadors. The Jongleurs join forces with Silence, a mysterious solo minstrel who is the terror of the kingdom. But when the Jongleurs and Silence are apprehended by the mercenary Beowulf and dragged before Cador and Evan, they are offered clemency if they can entertain the king with a story. Silence interrupts Jon’s attempt at retelling Murasaki’s Tale of Genji by killing Beowulf. In the ensuing chaos, the Jongleurs are defeated by King Evan, but Silence defeats Count Cador and reveals that she is his long-last daughter. Having the upper hand, Silence forces King Evan to repeal his ban on female inheritance and wins a royal pardon for the Jongleurs, allowing Jon to take up his old craft once more.
Jon G. Leur keeps up with vastly more skilled opponents like Beowulf and King Evan’s royal palace guards by fighting dirty. As a minstrel, he is relatively acrobatic and hops around tables during melees, or else runs away when disadvantaged.
According to Jon, he is a “good storyteller,” which means he lies to his victims, trying to lull them into a false sense of security before attempting to murder them with his water bottle. He also comes up with tactical scenarios to carry out his plans, like feigning death in the middle of the road to distract a patrol of royal guards to investigate his “corpse” so that George and Kim can take them out.
Despite his good planning, Jon is also relatively uncoordinated and bumbling. He was robbed by Silence before he convinced her to join the Jongleurs, he was taken hostage by Beowulf who simply walked up behind him when he was looking in the other direction, and he was knocked unconscious when King Evan smacked him in the face with the flat of his blade.
Jon G. Leur really likes Pop-Tarts and will eat them and throw the foil wrappers on the ground.
Officer Núñez is a Spanish undercover police officer in the 2014 film De arsénico y arepas. Along with his partner Valdez, Núñez is sent to investigate drug kingpin Mauricio Orizaga, a criminal known as “the most dangerous man in the country” who uses the restaurant run by his twin brother as a front for his illicit operations. Núñez and Valdez visit the restaurant and meet Orizaga’s twin, who has agreed to pose as an informant for the officers.
After the officers order their food, Orizaga’s twin disappears into the kitchen, revealing that he is the actual Orizaga posing as his brother. The drug lord poisons the cops’ order, but Valdez spots the poison in the dishes while Núñez spots the kitchen staff emerging with guns drawn. In the ensuing gunfight, Núñez shoots the chef dead, causing the other staff member to surrender while Orizaga runs outside into the night. While Valdez secures the surrendered trafficker, Núñez chases Orizaga through neighborhood streets, trading gunfire until he shoots Orizaga in the leg, bringing him down and arresting him.
Officer Núñez does not speak English and only speaks Spanish. Sometimes he makes grammatical mistakes that an American high school student would make. Nobody notices.
Núñez, presumably, received standard issue police training, as well as special detective/undercover training to be part of the undercover drug investigation team.
Núñez demonstrated minor moments of good situational awareness, like when he shouted for Valdez to take cover in time to avoid the kitchen staff’s ambush, or when he jumped into the back of a nearby pickup truck to avoid some of Orizaga’s haphazard shots in the neighborhood streets.
Núñez is a cop, and is therefore a bastard. He’s also not a particularly interesting character.
Takes place underground in the facility of OCity. Team EA Warriors are on a warpath to destroy Team Fake Anime. Team Fake Anime, thus provoked, will fight back in self-defense.
Will be 4v4. (Kalikaka Shishi Jinjin is considered a weapon of Glabinsto's and is not a warrior; therefore, her death is not required for Team EA Warriors to win.)
To be written.
To be determined.