There's an old saying that stereotyping is the laziest way of differentiating people and promoting individuality, but you can't help it when one ethnic group adopts a mascot that they can unite and feel proud of. National icons and folk images symbolizes how a country sees itself as and how they want to be viewed by other people. Just ask all the Mexicans who got pissed when SJW Yanks tried to ban Speedy Gonzales for being "racist", not knowing that Speedy is a national icon and beloved mascot in Mexico.
So today, we'll be pitting two badass national warriors from the far reaches of Oceania. These two badasses have fought the British Empire to establish their country's identity, and while they failed, they succeeded in creating an image for the nation and making their fellow countrymen proud!
Maori Warriors: The intimidating tribal fighters from New Zealand!
vs
Bushrangers: The bloodthirsty criminals from the outbacks of Australia!
No rules, no safety, and no mercy! Its a duel to the death to decide who is... THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR!
Maori Warriors[]
The Māori (pronounced Māori: [ˈmaːɔ.ɾi], or commonly [ˈmaʊɹi] by English speakers) are the native or indigenous Polynesian people of New Oceania Maori Warrior Zealand (Aotearoa – The Long White Cloud). They arrived in New Zealand from eastern Polynesia in several waves at some time before 1300 CE. Over several centuries in isolation, the Māori developed a unique culture with their own language, a rich mythology, distinctive crafts and performing arts.
They formed a tribal society based on East Polynesian social customs and organisation. Horticulture flourished using plants they introduced, and after about 1450 a prominent warrior culture emerged. The arrival of Europeans to New Zealand starting from the 17th century brought enormous change to the Māori way of life. Māori people gradually adopted many aspects of Western society and culture. Initial relations between Māori and Europeans were largely amicable, and with the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi in 1840 the two cultures coexisted as part of a new British colony. However, rising tensions over disputed land sales led to conflict in the 1840s. Social upheaval, decades of conflict and epidemics of disease took a devastating toll on the Māori population. But by the start of the 20th century the Māori population had begun to recover, and efforts were made to increase their standing in wider New Zealand society. A marked Māori cultural revival gathered pace in the 1960s and is continuing.
Weapons[]
Tupara Musket
- Comes in various calibers, but most probably similar to a British Brown Bess which fired a .71 lead ball.
- Only has a 40 meter range.
- Smoothbore barrel made it easier and faster to reload than rifles and rifled muskets. Can be fired single shot, one barrel at a time or double barreled.
Toki Poto Axe
- A short handed axe.
- It is traditionally made out of jade but in recent years have been replaced with steel.
- Maori warriors have known the lethality of such steel axes since Captain Cook traded them their steel axe heads, as well as purchases with European seamen for their boarding axes.
Taiaha
- The iconic staff and spear weapon of the Maori.
- Typical length are 5 to 6 feet with a long jade stone head used for thrusting, and a wide lower part for parrying.
Defensive Position and Psychological Warfare
- Battle of Gate Pa
- Contrary to popular belief, Maori warfare didn't just consist of face to face battles with clubs and spades. In fact, the majority of many Maori battles (in the early 19th century anyways) consist of defense and sieges. Whenever an enemy force is spotted, Maori warriors would then retreat back to any decent defensive positions. The resulting battle hinges on the ability of the Maoris to hold off their invaders. If their defenses are ever broken, the Maori warriors would resort to their traditional melee fighting that used ferocity and battle cries to drive their enemies back.
- This is primarily evident during the Storming of Gate Pa on April 29, 1864, in which the Maori held off British forces for a considerable amount of time. When the British managed to break through the Maori defenses and started pouring into the fort, they are soon caught off guard when screaming Maoris ambushed them from all sides, resulting in them panicking and fleeing out of the pā. Many British soldiers died during the melee, and many others were trampled to death while trying to escape.
Bushrangers[]
The Bushrangers were bandits and criminals who used the outback or the "bush" to escape authority in Victorian Australia. They were originally escaped convicts or slave prisoners that were brought into Australia (which was a penal colony at the time) but soon consisted of thugs, young men and disillusioned farmers, ranchers and miners who were being abused by authority. They came from a wide background of English, Scottish and Irish descent. These men used the outback to conduct raids on settlements and escaping any pursuers from civilians, police and even military interventions.
Bushrangers were not just bandits like the Outlaws of the Old West or the Highwaymen of Old England. Many bushrangers targetted not just civilians, but even police and military convoys. Some bushranger gangs have even instigated insurrections against British rule of the area, such as the Bathurst Rebellion, uprisings at Van Diemen's Land (now Tasmania), and the social banditry perpetrated by Captain Moonlite and Ned Kelly. The Bathurst Rebellion, led by Ralph Entwistle, was the biggest of these bushranging outbreak. His men numbered over 130 raided several settlements to free other convicts from their shackles (prisoners were treated as slaves or "servant convicts" in Australia back then). He even fought off police and the military on several occasions, making it one of the most well recorded instance of an "Australian Revolution".
Weapons[]
Baker rifle
- Fires 0.615 in. lead ball.
- 183 meters range.
- Rifled barrel made the rifle much more accurate than muskets.
- Used by the British military and by early colonists for hunting and defense.
Hunting knife
- Typical frontiersmen knives which are used both for defense and utility.
- Knowing that alot of bushrangers where of Scottish and Irish descent, their design might resemble a dirk dagger, which has a 7-12 inches double edged straight blade.
Boomerang
- The iconic weapon in Australia, originating from the Aborigines who used it as a hunting weapon.
- Primarily as a thrown weapon. Boomerang that will be used here is the non-returning hunting boomerang.
- Many bushrangers have also kept boomerangs. In one recorded incident, a samurai was given by Australian escaped convicts a boomerang as an offering for docking their ship in Japan.
Raiding and Luring Tactics
- Battle of Bushranger's Hill
- A classic guerrilla-style strategy that many Australian bushrangers used from Ned Kelly's Gunfight at Stringyback Creek to Ralph Entwistle's Battle of Bushranger's Hill. Bushrangers, being bandits, forbade fighting pitch battles and preferred fastmoving raids to attack their victims. But if ever pursued or cornered, the bushrangers would use their speed and knowledge of the terrain to take the best position. As their enemies continued to chase and follow them, the bushrangers would then surprise them with lead.
- This is primarily seen during the Bathurst Rebellion. In late September 1830, bushrangers led by Ralph Entwistle have been raiding settlements, all the while evading the clutches of the police. When a force led by Lieutenant James Brown of the 57th Regiment of Foot set his sights on the bushrangers, Entwistle led his pursuers to a bald hill known today as Bushranger Hill. Entwistle surprised the pursuing mounted police with an ambush, killing some of them and driving the rest back. When mounted soldiers arrived to take their turn, Entwistle and his bushrangers again took the best position and drove them off.
X-Factors[]
There is an obvious difference between the Maoris and the Bushrangers when it comes to training and discipline. The Maoris may look primitive, but they are bred to be warriors. Their society revolved around training from a young age in constant warfare and they have a military lineage that spanned to the early settlements of Polynesians in New Zealand. While Maori warfare back then consisted of brute force and tribal ferocity, they still lived a warrior's life nonetheless. The bushrangers were tough, but they were bandits compared to professional warriors like the Maori. While many were seasoned criminals, thugs and other captured revolutionaries from all corners of the British Empire, many were still petty thieves or common folks who were having a rough time. This can be seen in the many conflicts they fought in, the Maoris during the New Zealand Wars kept their discipline even as Britain knocked on their pas, while the bushrangers during the Bathrust Rebellion fled and left their comrades when the fighting got hopeless.
Each warrior group had their fair share of conflicts in their native lands. The maoris fought the British military, settlers and other Maoris. The bushrangers fought the British army as well, the Victorian police forces, settlers and hostile native Aborigines that were and were not allied with the British. While the Bushrangers existed far longer (New Zealand Wars lasted from 1845–1872 while the Bushranger Conflicts lasted from the 1830s-1900s), the Maoris certainly fought more wars with the British military.
Hongi Hika did an amazing job in arming and modernizing the Maori warriors but the weapons they were stuck with were very low quality. And even in the following decades the Maoris tend to stick with what they have. The bushrangers had to buy or raid for their resources, but they certainly weren't shy of using what weapons were the best of their time. When rifles and revolvers came about, the bushrangers were quick to adapt to it, while the Maoris were still stuck with single shot muskets. The bushrangers were certainly more experienced when it comes to firearms and other modern tools of war like horses.
Notes[]
- Obviously we are pitting the Maori warriors and the Bushrangers during the early to mid 19th century (1830s-1860s). So no naked Maori warrior with a Taiaha or armored Ned Kelly with a repeating rifle here.
- Battle will take place in a bushy forest commonly seen in both Australia and New Zealand. It will be a traditional Deadliest Warrior style 6 vs 6.
- The battle scenario will go like this. The bushrangers will be the attackers and the Maori will be the defenders. The Maori will not have any pa or fortification in this battle, but they can secure the positions they are at. The bushrangers on the other hand will not have any horses and will be on foot. No one will have any initial advantages of surprise here, both the bushrangers and the marois know of each other and are tasked to take them out (although they can plan and use ambush later in the battle).
Battle[]
Van Diemen’s Land, 1850
The sun was already setting in the forested countryside as two large carriages moved along the dusty road. They were no ordinary coaches for an escort of well-armed mounted troopers guarded them heavily. They did not carry gold, richness or even resources, but they carried men. Living, breathing organic people were inside those coaches. These troopers were tasked to take 13 of the vilest villains that troubled their beloved Empire to the hellhole prison where they belong. The devils consisted of five bloodthirsty savages from New Zealand known as the Maori on one coach, and five more motherless criminal bastards from Australia known as bushrangers in the other. The two groups were seated and shackled inside, with each coach having one guard stationed in front of them with a scattergun.
As they rolled along the bumpy rocky road, one of the bushranger winked at his fellow bushrangers. The bushranger, who was a charismatic young lad, managed to slip his cuffs due to his small tiny hands. The wink was a signal, and one of the bushrangers pretended to have suddenly been attacked by a stroke. The rest of the Australians panicked and pleaded to the guards for help. The coaches were stopped, the trooper inside leaned to take a look, and another one who was a medic came in to check on the bushranger.
But as they were going to rejuvenate the man, the young un suddenly kicked the trooper with the shotgun, making him tumble and fall on the coach’s floor. He quickly grabbed the scattergun and opened fire on the downed trooper, and letting out another one on the medic’s head. The shots not only killed the soldiers, but it also spooked the horses outside, making it difficult for the other troopers to respond.
The bushranger quickly grabbed the keys and allowed everyone inside to unlock their shackles. Some of the bushrangers grabbed hold of the pistol and a rifle that belonged to the dead troopers, and as they step outside, they took easy shots at the poor redcoats still strapped on their panicking horses.
Panick has also beset the other coach containing the Maori. As the trooper inside tried to get out to assist his comrades, the Maori grabbed hold of him and a strangled him with their chains. They grabbed the keys and unshackled their limbs. They too grabbed hold of some weapons inside, and opened fire as they stepped out.
The rest of the troopers were surrounded by the two groups, and they couldn’t do anything but ride out of there.
The bushrangers gathered themselves together and congratulated the young lad. The Maori however, quickly ran towards the troopers’ cargo to find their confiscated weapons.
The young lad approached the Maori with his hands up. He tried to speak to them in a cordial way, hoping that they would want to work together for a while against the Brits. A Maori looked at him, and without a second though shot him with a Tupara musket. They knew not to interact, be friendly or even be near a white man. The other Maori also started shooting which prompted the Aussies to take cover behind the trees. Then the Maori retreated.
The bushrangers went to the young boy’s dead body, his small skinny chest caved in with that rifle round. They swore that they would find those savages and make them pay. They grabbed every weapon they can find and marched on for their fallen mate.
---
Another half an hour had passed as the bushrangers trekked through the undergrowth in search of the Maori. They soon spotted some of them who had taken positions on the trees and wooden logs. The Maori saw them too and they opened fire immediately.
The bushrangers got down and tried to be under whatever cover they can find. Bushes, rotting wood and small rocks can mean life or death for them at the moment. The bushrangers took aim with their Baker rifles and opened fire. But the undergrowth and the trees were blocking the sights of both parties and their shots kept missing, but the Maori’s weapons had the faster rate of fire that added more pressure on their enemies. The bushrangers decided to try and flank the Maori, using the trees for cover. The latter opted to take the defensive and stayed on their spot.
The bushrangers tried moving along the trees to avoid gunfire. One bushranger had a brilliant idea of climbing up on one of the trees and sniping the Maori. But as he was doing so one of the Maori saw him and shot him in the side, and he fell screaming face first on the leafy ground below.
A bushranger saw this, and with rage coming from a common criminal rather than a professional soldier, went out to avenge his mate. With a loud cry he managed to get close to the Maori and shot one of them in the face with his Baker rifle.
He soon regretted his decision when all the Maori simultaneously opened fire on him.
The rest of the bushrangers could not get nearer to the Maori’s position, and they were pinned down on the trees and rocks they were hiding in. One bushranger had another brilliant idea of throwing a boomerang at the Maori. There were a lot of trees that made aiming a gun difficult and a boomerang was no exception. The wooden plank flew and bounced off a tree like a chump. A moment of silence filled both parties at seeing what the hell was that supposed to be. But the Maori just scoffed and shot the “brilliant” bushranger in the gut.
Things were not going well for the Aussies. The sheer pressure that the Maori were packing with their double-barrelled muskets was shredding their covers to bits. And in typical criminal fashion, the Aussies started to flee in terror. The New Zealanders saw this and, bolstered by seeing their enemies turn their backs, gave a loud yell and chased the retreating bushrangers.
One of the Maori managed to spear one Aussie in the back. With adrenaline, the Maori lifted his spear with the bushranger still pierced on it off the ground. And as the latter howled in pain, the New Zealander chucked the poor sod on a large rock, making one fine looking mess of flesh and blood.
But unfortunately for the Maori, they seemed to have lost the chase. The bushrangers were nowhere to be seen anymore. The Maori’s adrenaline was gone and their body were stricken with fatigue. They all decided to get back to their post, thinking the battle was won.
Unfortunately it wasn’t, and as they were getting back, the Aussies on forest ledges and trees opened fire on them. They poured everything on the unsuspecting Maori. Two of the Maori instantly fell with shots to their throat and abdomen, and one got hit by a boomerang on the face, lopping a jaw clean off. When the rifles and boomerangs were spent, the remaining bushrangers charged at the Maori with their steely knives.
A melee ensued, as the Maori unsheathe their battle axes. A Maori managed to embed his hatchet on the neck of one of the Aussie. The remaining one retaliated with a stab to the heart of the Maori.
Only two of them remained, and they circled each other for a dance of death. The bushranger made a thrust at the Maori, but the New Zealander easily stepped back, dodging it. The Maori then swiped at the bushranger, hitting him slightly on the forearm, which made the latter back off nervously. Seeing this, the Maori then clapped his hands, made a terrifying stance, and showed the Aussie his battle cry. He then pulled out his tongue. The tired bushranger, though scared, tried to send another slash with his dirk. But the Maori caught his wrist and wrestled him to the ground. He then chopped the bushranger’s hand off with his hatchet. And as the Aussie screamed in pain, the Maori bashed his head multiple times with axe.
The Maori then stood up and cried in victory.
Winner: Maori Warrior
Expert’s Opinion[]
While the bushrangers had the advantage of a longer range firearm and two ranged weapons, the experts believed that the Maori’s two barrelled gun was more suited for a typical forest fight in the frontiers of Oceania, from which these two warriors originated from. Compared to the bushrangers who were criminals, the Maori were better trained and better disciplined warriors. Both warriors’ battlefield tactics proved little in this typical fight, but the Maori’s better weapon prevailed.
Epilogue[]
They felt pain in their bodies, before darkness set in, and then there was a bright white light.
Those were the last thing the bushrangers felt when they were defeated, but now they were scratching their heads. They were not in Tasmania anymore, but have been transported to a weird place they have never seen before.
It was a terminal akin to a modern airport. Besides the bushrangers were other warriors of different eras and universes. There were modern day soldiers with modern rifles and uniforms. There were some ancient warriors with swords, spears and shields. There were also a large number of WWII warriors. There were some superheroes, characters from mythology and Japanese school girls for some reason. But there was a huge abundance of JoJo Characters too. Like many many many many JoJo characters.
All its walls were filled with graffiti such as “1st Rule of DF: Never Fuck With Leo!”, “English Stronk Wuz Here”, “Beware of the Inquision”, "Trostsky's Ice Axe", etc.
“Welcome my sons. Fortune tells me, you have suffered a defeat,” a warrior in Ancient Chinese clothing said to the bushrangers.
The bushrangers can only look at him confused and dumfounded. “Do not fear or fret, my sons. We are all brothers here. Warriors on our own paths. Fate may be harsh and cruel with us at times. But we win some and we lose some.” The Chinese man said with Eastern esoteric words.
Tears flowed through one of the bushrangers eyes and sobbed, “What happened to us? Why did it happened to us?”
The Chinese man approached him, patted him in the shoulder and said more esoteric BS, “Defeat must not be seen as the end of the world. For we must always rise like the waves of the ocean. Stood firm like the mountain resisting a typhoon. You may have lost today, but you have gained wisdom! And tomorrow hopefully you’ll be a champion here in valhalla.”
The Chinese man continued, “Let me introduce myself. My name is Sun Tzu. Pray, tell me, who or what warrior defeated you?”
One of the bushrangers raised his hand and replied, “I recognize them. I saw those savages in my time in New Zealand. I believe they called themselves… Maori.”
“…. Come again?” Sun Tzu asked.
“Maori warriors,” the bushranger again replied.
“Wait? What! What in the flying FUCK?!” Sun Tzu said breaking character.
A medieval knight approached the Chinese warrior and laughed hysterically, “Yo Sun Tzu HAHAHAHA! Guess what? The Maori finally got a win!”
Sun Tzu eyes widen in disbelief.
“Yeah man,” Son Goku said while eating a Cinnabon. “Dudes finally got a win! And I heard that a Japanese guy is also planning on rematching their battles. Who knows how many more battles they are going to win?”
“Shut up Son Goku!” Sun Tzu yelled. “Fuck off! Nobody even uses you in a battle anymore!”
“Hahaha someone’s salty!!!” Alexander the Great said. “You know… you almost won against Hongi Hika right? You almost won. But daaaaaaamn SON! Dissenting opinionz came out and blasted you off the water! Sorry Sun! Close but no cigars!!!”
“‘Fuck all of you! Y’all go to hell!” Sun Tzu said in a tantrum. The rest of the warriors just laughed at him. “I am Sun Tzu! I am a legendary OG Chinese commander! I wrote the fucking Art of War!”
“I doubt you wrote it,” A Rajput said.
“I don’t even believe you existed for realz,” Agent 47 added.
“Fuck you! I slept with your wife last night dipshit!” Sun Tzu tried to banter back.
“Yeah whatever SHIT TZU!” Genghis Khan laughed.
The rest just continued laughing and left the poor bastard wallowing in shame. Sun Tzu put his hands on his face and gritted his teeth in anger. The Maori? Of all people, they are the ones who finally got a win in this place?
But then he had a gust of hope. If these Maori warriors finally got a win this year, maybe he too will finally get one! He got a funny idea. Maybe it’s time for him to be more proactive and do something to finally score a victory. He’s Sun friggin Tzu for Christ’s sake.
With a sudden overflow of confidence, he rose up and went to the Bushrangers. “Aye yo! Aussie bros! Can you tell me who wrote your battle?”
“I don’t know. W-what battle?” one Bushranger said.
“It was one of those Asian guys,” Geronimo yelled at Sun Tzu. “The guy who wrote their battle? It was one of those Asian guys. You know? The idiot with shitty research, a penchant for exaggerated weapons and blockbuster action? The guy who always get roasted for his shitty ass votes? But still freakishly handsome anyways.”
“Oooooh THAT guy! MWAHAHAHAHA!” Sun Tzu laughed maniacally. Now he has a writer that he can force to write a new battle. He quickly went to his locker and grabbed his weapon. He grabbed his jian, and his glaive, but threw away the zhua and repeating crossbow. “Seriously I didn’t even used these retarded garbage in my lifetime…”
Sun Tzu also took with him a whole box of steroids, a gallon of protein shake, as well as an M4 Carbine and a lightsaber… just in case.
Now he scanned the terminal, looking for a warrior worthy of an ass-kicking from the great Sun Tzu. He spotted one stuck in the airport office. He approached him, and took a close look at the guy.
The other guy noticed Sun Tzu creepily staring at him and asked, “What do you want?” The warrior looked Middle Eastern, maybe Canaan. He had no steel or gunpowder weapons, just bronze and iron like Sun Tzu had in his time. Like Master Sun, the guy is also heavily debated upon whether he existed or not.
“Perfect….” Sun Tzu mouth wateringly replied.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!
Updated Epilogue!!![]
The Canaanite warrior breathed heavily, his body bloodied and laying on the ground, and his army decimated by this monster. Sun Tzu stood in front of him, smiling like a champ with his M4 carbine aimed at his enemy's head. They were both in a rocky desert, now drenched with their armies blood.
"You..." The Canaanite warrior said. "You cheated!!!"
"There is no such thing, as honor in combat," Sun Tzu said more Eastern esoteric bullshit. "But if you really wanted it, a warrior would do anything, and I mean anything to WIIIIIN!"
Sun Tzu gripped his M4 carbine's handle tightly, ready to squeeze the trigger and put his enemy to a cold permanent sleep. He closed his eyes and savored this moment. He can feel it now. Almost a decade of torment and a long list of embarassing defeats, he's finally done it! He's going to win this battle, and he'll probably win that other battle with that crazy Batman villain. He is going to win and will be a meme no more!
He had a vision of what would happen after this fight. He can see the whole DF Fanon celebrating his win. He would ride a thousand-horse chariots around the terminal in a Triumphus. He would bask in glory as all the other warriors cheered him on!
"SUN TZU! SUN TZU! SUN TZU!" They cheered as Queen's "We Are the Champions" played in the background.
"We knew you can do it Sun!" Batman said.
"Damn mate! I wish I can finally win something too!" Faildemort said.
"Oh you will someday. Me? I think I might actually won something this year," a Khmer Rouge said. "Pssst you there! Reading this crap. Click this link and vote for me! "
As Sun Tzu circled around the terminal like a true God Emperor, something caught his eye. He saw a very beautiful blond girl, who appeared like royalty, looking at him with seductive eyes and showing off some of her legs.
"Hey Sun... I heard you finally won something today," Saber said.
"Oh... hehehe. Hey there," Sun Tzu pretending to be a shy type cutey.
The girl approached him, puts her hands on his neck and whisphered to his ear, "You did it champ. You are the real deal now. Not only did you win a battle, but you also won a better prize..."
"Damn Arturia. I've been trying to woo you for years now but you always pushed me away. You know, I won this battle just for you!" Sun Tzu said like a creep in front of other warriors.
"I know, and I love a man who does his best," Saber said seductively. She then drew Sun Tzu closer to her body and said, "Kiss me ike you miss me Master Sun!"
Back in the current battle, the Canaanite looked in utter disgust as Sun Tzy daydreamed while wrapping his hands around him and licking his lips like a perv. "Ooooh Sabah!" Sun Tzu said.
But suddenly out of nowhere, a huge portal boomtubed into the scene. Sun Tzu watched in dismay as a team of badasses came out of nowhere. They faces were covered in black awesome shadows, but they all can hear the avengers theme playing in the background.
TAAAN! TAN TAN... TANAN!! TAN TAN TAAAAN! TAN TAN TANAAAN NAN NAAAAAN!
Just as quickly Sun Tzu was summoed back at the terminal. "No wait! I still have to kill him!" Sun Tzu pleaded.
But the rest just ignored him. This badass team of super people consisted of a jacked up Englishman with the handsome looks of Colin Firth and dressed up like Jojo character (and just as ripped as one). There was also a godlike being with blue skin wearing a golden Gilgamesh-like armor. There's also a ghostly apparition that was "wandering" in the air (pun-intended). Oh... and yeah there's also a fruit monkey speaking in Dutch dressed up like that awesome Sans character and some dude in mythological attire who has a hard-as-fuck name to spell.
"You..." Sun Tzu cried. "You took away my only victory!!!!"
"Sun Tzu," The Englishman said. "We have discussed about your status as a warrior. And we have found out that you, might not qualify as one!"
"Wait what?" Sun Tzu said. "I am tots def LEGIT!!!"
"No you are not!" the godlike being said. "We have found none of your name in records concerning the Spring and Autumn period. And you're story is at most... A MYTH!!!"
"New policy beeyotch," The Englishman said. And he then pointed at a huge metal door labelled "Disqualified". Sun Tzu panicked and tucked himself in a fetal position. But the Englishman just dragged his ass as he cried and begged. All the other warriors looked at him and laughed. "Ahahahah weeeeew! SUN!!! You rock man!!! Hahahaha"
He is then thrown into his new jail, and inside was a fellow disqualified warrior wearing Victorian clothes and laying in his bed. He smirked at him, "So... I heard you like killing women too. I bet where gonna be good buddies."
"NOOOOOOOO!" Sun Tzu yelled.
The rest of the team high-fived and congratulated each other. "I've never had a good discussion like this for a very long time," the godlike being said.
"Indeed. We just had two policy discussions this week. It has been a great day!" The Skull said.
The Dutch then went to one user who was a frigging Hippo and patted it in the head saying, "You did great boy. You did good. We gonna give you a treat later."
The Hippo squealed in excitement. "Woof woof!" It said. "Wait... I though he was a hippo..." The Englishman said confused.
"Anyways, there's one more person we need to go to," the godlike being said. And with a Thanos snap they are transported to the DF's locker room. They opened one locker labeled Sun Tzu and inside they found a skinny famished boy who looked like he got his ass kicked badly. "Please sirs. I need water..."
"Elgb!" Wassbo- I mean eh the Englishman said. "You tried to write a battle and gave Sun Tzu futuristic weapons and steroids. Are you nuts!'
"Please sir. He tortured me. And threatened my family. I need wate..."
"What should we do to him?"
The godlike being looked intensely at the offender and said in an authoritarian voice, "This fool has done many gravedoings! Not making any research. Writing shitty votes. But most inhumanely... shaming another man's waifu! And starting a waifu war! UNEXEPTABLE!"
"But alas. I am not the feared banman I was once was. I live in peace now but defanged to spew more venom if needed. Just give him a punishment. Let him clean our toilets and prepare coffee for us for a month!"
The outta nowhere two others dressed in WW2 attire came in. It was El Ala-meh the resident WW2 commando and that Communist Man of Steel themselves. "Did we miss something?" They asked.
"Only one of the best discussions ever!" Laquer(I ain't even gonna try) said.