Deadliest Fiction is in grave danger. While warriors and users alike go about their lives, blissfully unaware of the looming threat, the two greatest users, Appel and Laq, have been working non-stop to save it. They toiled away in their lairs, stopping at nothing to deliver salvation to Deadliest Fiction, and today they will bring you the solution to all ills that plague this wiki. But I hear you ask, “What is this threat you speak off?” I’ll tell you what the problem is: not having a weird fucking battle to end all weird fucking battles. GSFB and Jacky can suck on it!
Magical Girl Erena, the defender of Earth who will stop at nothing to save it from invading perverted tentacle monsters!
Pink Guy, our favorite pink c*nt and Filthy Frank’s sidekick with a crippling addiction to pussy!
Who is DEADLIEST?!
Magical Girl Erena (represented by Laq)
When it comes to making animated pornography, Japanese animation studios arrange their priorities in a very unusual manner. In the case of Mahou Shoujo Erena, they found the time to get an original soundtrack made, hire some professional voice actors, and even found the budget to stretch this thing out for three episodes lasting nearly thirty minutes each, but letting the plot make any sense at all was far beyond their paygrade. In short, Earth got attacked by giant interdimensional tentacle monsters who want to enslave and experiment on everything. They decided to start with the family home of our protagonist, Erena. When Erena discovered said monsters about to assault her sister, a rabbit-blob turned her into a magical girl to fight the extraterrestrial threat. Her sister also got mind-fucked into being a demon yandere and it turned out that her mutant space dad was behind the invasion, but I can’t imagine that anyone was paying attention at that point.
- Staff: The staff is Erena's badge of office that signifies her position as a magical girl. The staff allows Erena to fly without the use of her magic by riding on it like a broomstick. She also uses it as a melee weapon when fending off foes as her magic charges.
- Magic: The source of Erena's magic is her uterus, which begins generating magical power upon entering combat. When her magic is fully charged, a small magical explosion is generated around her, slicing at targets within the immediate vicinity. She is then able to use her two magical abilities freely.
- Knight of Serene: Erena's go-to (and only) magical attack has her transforming her staff into a spear by creating a large energy blade on the end and using it to make a wide slash at her target. It's powerful enough to slice a large dog-monster several times taller than Erena in half from head to tail with one strike, so it often ends encounters after one use.
- Forcefield: Erena can generate a protective forcefield to surround her body. The field appears to have damaging properties on whatever comes into contact with it, as tentacles that touch it appear to melt away. Erena needs to use both hands to maintain the field, so she is unable to attack while it is in use.
- Ovi: The entity responsible for granting Erena her magical powers was Ovi, an odd floating rabbit-blob creature of unexplained origin. Ovi is Erena's constant companion and tries his best to advise her while in combat and keep her focused on the current threat. He's also learned to be of use himself in combat by crashing into targets like a battering ram. He's quite tough and was able to survive a blow powerful enough to knock him out of a park with no damage.
Pink Guy (represented by Appel)
The internet is full of iconic memes. Ugandan Knuckles, the All Your Base Are Belong to Us guy, the Sponge Monkies, and Sneezing Panda. But of them, all one stands proud like a king among kings: Filthy Franks. Sadly I thought he’d be too powerful to use in this match-up, so we gotta make do with the autistic, cancerous, pussy-addicted pink retard that hangs around him like a bad smell instead. Originally a messenger of an unknown entity, Pink Guy guided Frank to a new reality after his old one was destroyed and has been his companion on various misadventures and his roommates ever since, though he doesn’t pay rent. Despite all his disabilities, Pink Guy is a great rapper, having released two albums and various songs under his own and the Pink Omega name.
- Pistol: We're not sure what type of pistol it is, but Pink Guy can fire it without ever needing to reload, meaning that it either has a very large or perhaps unlimited magazine.
- M4 Carbine: A gas-operated, rotating bolt, stoner-expanding gas action assault rifle commonly used by American armed forces, the M4 fires the 5.56×45mm NATO cartridge, has a rate of fire of 950 rpm, a muzzle velocity of 910 m/s, and an effective range of 500 m.
- Pink Season: A mixtape of incredible power filled with songs made by Pink Guy himself and one from Ploticz, Pink Season causes anyone else not used to such great tunes to be intimidated or even get brief seizures when it is played. Pink Guy uses a boombox to play it, increasing its power and range. The boombox doubles as a melee weapon.
- Chromosomes: Chromosomes are the building blocks of the universe, the very basis of everything that is. Being a lycra entity, Pink Guy possesses more chromosomes than the average human, allowing him to perform energy-based attacks. Because of his retardation, Pink Guy is only able to use two chromosome-based abilities.
- Beam Attack: Pink Guy can fire a pink laser from his ass. It is unknown just how powerful this attack is, as it was only used once and dodged.
- Omniversal Travel: Pink Guy can teleport to any location in his current omniverse or travel to another one. Though this ability is only used for travel, not combat.
- Hand-to-Hand Combat: Impressive for someone so mentally challenged, Pink Guy has proven himself to be a great fighter when it comes to close-quarters combat. He was able to beat the Tap Brothers, a pair of dangerous criminals wanted in multiple omniverses, and match Green C*nt, another powerful lycra entity.
- Saint Nicolas: A being of great physical strength and skill that resembles Santa Claus, Saint Nicolas can be summoned by Pink Guy with a Summoning Jutsu which is performed by placing both palms on the floor.
Erena's entire experience as a magical girl lasted only for a few days before she succeeded in destroying the tentacle monster overlord and freeing Earth from invasion. During this time she had multiple encounters with the monsters with little time for rest. She also fought in one large-scale battle against the monsters when they launched a planet-wide attack before being belatedly told she needed to go to the moon.
Pink Guy has encountered multiple powerful and dangerous beings on his adventures with Filthy Frank, but mostly let him do all of the heavy lifting while watching from the sidelines. Still, this didn’t stop him from occasionally helping Frank out or going off on his own. During Frank’s battle against Evil Dade, Pink Guy provided cover support until Good Dade could come back from Bald Chocolate Heaven to deliver the final blow and fought against Mr. Magic Man’s memes until Based God Lil’ B could provide aid. He single-handedly fought off both Tap Brothers until they were forced to retreat, Hitler’s secret son who tried to prevent his father’s death through time travel, and Captain Falcon in a gunfight.
For the most part, Erena has the physical abilities that would be expected of a woman in her late teens, with one exception: her extreme internal durability. The inside of Erena's body has been violated to a ridiculous degree of intensity several times, to the point where most ordinary people would expire from internal bleeding. Yet after every one of these encounters, she has gotten back up and been no worse for wear aside from being slightly winded. Additionally, she was unaffected by prolonged contact with alien seminal fluid, which has corrosive properties.
Pink Guy is pretty average for a guy wearing a pink lycra suit, though he does know how to take a beating. In his fight with the Tap Brothers, he was beaten down before he was able to turn the tables on them and when he fought Green C*nt he held out long enough for Salamander Man to rescue him. He even took a trash can thrown by Prometheus, a homunculi created by Red Dick to kill Chin Chin.
Erena has been through enough. Leave the poor girl alone.
Just fucking look at the guy. Do I have to tell you that he doesn’t have any?
- The battle takes place on the homeworld of the tentacle monsters. Erena has arrived to take the fight to her enemy, while Pink Guy has accidentally teleported into the carcass of a tentacle monster. Hilarity ensues.
- Voting will end whenever enough loyal DF users have done their part to save the world.
Battling against the burning sensation pulsating throughout her abdomen, Erena, magical girl and defender of Earth, forced herself back to her feet. Her opponent, the hulking blob of fleshy tentacles known as a Zoid, laid before her, writhing and lashing out in all directions with its many appendages. Erena’s companion, the strange globule-shaped creature known as Ovi, descended from the sky where he had been watching the struggle, terrified.
“Erena! Your magic is charged! Time to attack!” Ovi shouted. Right on cue, dozens of glowing magical symbols formed in the air, rapidly rotating around Erena. A moment passed before a powerful burst of magical power was discharged from her body, forcing the Zoid’s tentacles back and cutting at them with invisible blades. Erena felt her strength return as adrenaline rushed through her veins. Raising her staff over her head, Erena rushed forward and shouted the name of her ultimate - and only - attack: “Knight of Serene!”
A heart-shaped blade of pink energy formed around the tip of her staff and Erena thrust it downwards, emitting a brilliant flash of light as it pierced through the Zoid’s body. The eldritch creature thrashed violently, but Erena only pushed harder, ignoring the dying monster’s desperate yet futile attempts to strike at her with its tentacles. Finally, the creature ceased its struggles and died.
“Great work, Erena!” Ovi said cheerfully. “Let’s keep moving! We have to track down the Zoids’ overlord!”
The pair turned to leave. Erena stopped to glance back at the body of her slain enemy and gasped when she saw that the corpse of the Zoid was pulsating as if something was moving around within it. With a sickening ripping noise, the carcass of the Zoid split open, splattering Erena and Ovi with the monster’s blood. As a panicked Erena struggled to wipe the blood off of her frilly outfit, a shape emerged from the body of the Zoid. It appeared to be a man, at least on the outside, dressed in a pink full-body elastic suit. His face was twisted into a horrid expression, something of a cross between the faces one makes when tasting something sour, and when receiving a rectal examination. He rapidly glanced around, seemingly confused by his surroundings, and then stared at Erena dead in the eye. He grinned.
“Ey, boss! Can I hab your pussy, please?”
“What? What is that thing?” Erena gasped, instinctively taking a few steps back from the creature as she tightened her grip on her staff. If this being was anything like the Zoids, it meant nothing but trouble, trouble that Erena did not want to experience again. “I don’t know,” Ovi replied, looking just as confused and bewildered as the magical girl. “But I sense a great power that I’ve never felt before. Be careful!” Before she could reply Pink Guy scurried over to her on his hands and feet, stopping and squatting mere inches away from her. He lifted his gaze, eyelids rapidly fluttered as his grin grew and Erena took another few steps backward, wanting to create as much distance between herself and him as possible.
“Ey! Ey, boss!” he repeated. “Can I-”
“Get away from me, pervert!” she cried, hitting him in the chin with an upward swing of her staff, sending him flying back towards the body of the defeated tentacle monster. Pink Guy gave a quick cry of pain as he hit the floor before suddenly falling quiet. Seemingly surprised, he patted his body and groped at his groin, as if to check for injuries. Upon realizing that he had none, he let out a little giggle before scrambling to get back on his feet. Erena and Ovi couldn’t help but stare in further confusion as he reached inside the body of the defeated Zoid, retrieving a boombox that somehow managed to remain entirely clean of alien viscera. He licked his lips when he placed it on the floor. “Oh, jaaa,” he groaned as he pressed the play button and nodded his head to the resulting beat.
Boku wa sekkusu daisuki, itsumo sekkusu mainichi yaritai sekkusu...
Ovi gasped, realizing the power that the music held. “Erena, cover your ears!” he warned, but it was too late; she had already heard the music. Erena collapsed to the floor, her limbs shaking uncontrollably. “Th-the music!” she moaned in pain. “It’s so good!” Finally having an opening, Pink Guy lifted the boombox from the ground and charged towards the incapacitated Erena, smashing it against her twitching form.
In her almost comatose state, Erena hardly registered the blow, letting out only a barely-audible and pained whimper as the boombox bounced off of her forehead, leaving behind an ugly bruise. Pink Guy snatched up the boombox again and raised it above his head triumphantly, giggling uncontrollably. Ovi, watching in horror from above, did not suffer the same spontaneous convulsions that were affecting his companion, but nonetheless the rhythm seemed to hold a supernatural power over him, intimidating him into stillness.
Pink Guy continued his bizarre celebration by thrusting his hips forward and flicking his tongue out. Finally, the distress caused by the sight of Erena writhing in agony began to overcome the power of the music, and Ovi closed his eyes and began to yell as loudly as he could, trying his best to drown it out as he flew towards the boombox at top speed.
Ovi crashed directly into the boombox, knocking it out of Pink Guy’s hands and onto the rocky ground, shattering it into countless pieces. Pink Guy shrieked in alarm and hurried over to the site of the boombox’s destruction, desperately sifting through the wreckage in search of the CD within. Meanwhile, Erena, freed of the music’s power, slowly got to her feet. The wound she received earlier began to affect her, sending a pounding pain throughout her head and making her groan in anguish.
Pink Guy ultimately found his precious CD, and then dashed off back to the corpse of the Zoid. With a sickening squelch, he stuck the CD inside one of the monster’s many orifices. He lovingly patted the edge of the CD a few times before turning back to Erena, who had fully recovered. She clutched her staff tightly, looking more furious than ever.
“That really hurt, you gross, ugly monster!”
“Uh, no?” Pink Guy replied, flipping the bird at the enraged magical girl and rolling his eyes. “Fuck you?”
Fuming with anger and still filled with magical energy, Erena wrapped her hands around her staff and again called the name of her signature move: “Knight of Serene!” The heart-shaped blade once again ignited from the staff. Some of her energy might have been spent on the last Zoid, but she still had enough left to deal with this pink abomination. With a squealing battle cry, she charged at Pink Guy and swung her blade at his head. He narrowly avoided the first blow by bending backward, but she quickly followed it up with a series of rapid slashes, managing to cut him on the leg on the third strike and his chest on the fifth, causing him to shriek in pain.
No longer able to maintain his footing, Pink Guy fell back onto his backside and looked up at his opponent with a mix of shock and fear, his eyes so wide that it looked like they might pop out of his skull. He had little time to let it all sink in before Erena once again brought the heart-shaped blade down on him, desperately hoping to finish him off, only to cut into the stone floor as Pink Guy rolled out of the way. As he came to a stop, he slammed his palms into the floor, creating a small plume of smoke from which emerged another humanoid figure. The figure rushed towards Erena and punched her right on the side of the head, causing her to stumble backward. She regained her footing after a moment and stopped to properly analyze the newcomer. This being was just as strange as the one who summoned it, looking like a muscular Santa Claus wearing nothing but a pair of sunglasses and cargo shorts.
Erena braced herself for the pair to attack only for Pink Guy to turn around and take off wildly, flailing his arms and screaming incoherently as he did. “Get back here, creep!” Erena yelled as she tried to give chase, but she was blocked by Saint Nicholas, who took on a boxing stance. She’d have to deal with him first. “Don’t worry, Erena!” said Ovi as he took off after the shrieking Pink Guy. “I’ll stop him for you!”
Ovi never reached his target, as Saint Nicholas snatched him up mid-flight the moment he flew past. He slammed the tiny creature down onto his knee, leaving Ovi dazed and groaning in pain. He then tossed the alien up into the air and smashed a flying fist directly into his face, sending Ovi sailing over the horizon, wailing all the way until he was nothing more than a twinkle in the sky. Content with his work, St. Nick turned back and began to amble in Erena’s direction.
Her composure fast approaching its limit after seeing her closest companion assaulted by this crazed imitation of Santa Claus, Erena screamed at the top of her lungs, her voice noticeably cracking: “Get out of my way, bastard!” St. Nick only picked up his pace, repeatedly slamming his fist against his palm as a threat. Erena gritted her teeth, took her staff in both hands, and raised it skyward. St. Nick raised his fist as he came in close, ready to beat her down as he did before.
A flash of light appeared and a sphere of translucent pink energy surrounded Erena, forming just inches from St. Nick’s face as he charged. The imitation Santa crashed headfirst into the bubble and fell backward, instinctively gripping his face as the forcefield’s corrosive properties melted his skin away. Satisfied with her victory, Erena lowered her hands and allowed the forcefield to fade away. She then mounted her staff, which began to immediately supernaturally hover above the ground, lifting Erena up with it. Glancing back at St. Nick, who was still groaning in anguish, she gave an audible smirk and sped away into the alien sky in pursuit of her rose-colored rival.
Meanwhile, Pink Guy rushed through the halls of a craggy alien castle, his feet making a weak ‘pap’ each time he took a step. He turned his head about as he ran, his bulging eyes still wide with fear. The girl had proven more powerful than he had initially thought and, being as cowardly as he was impotent, the lycra-clad creature was easily spooked. He turned a corner and, after barely managing to stop himself before slamming into a giant stone wall, arrived at a dead end. Panicking, Pink Guy frantically looked around, hoping to no avail that he would discover a secret passage of some kind. Just as he was about to give up and try another path, a familiar sound came from behind him.
Pink Guy turned and a delirious yet joyful smile spread across his face as he looked upon the creature that had appeared.
“Nyeees~,” repeated Salamander Man, rolling his head and idly rubbing at his nipples. Though it could only communicate in these high pitched cries, Pink Guy understood it as clearly as human speech. “You seem to have gotten lost during your mission, haven’t you, child?” he continued. Pink Guy nodded and sputtered something incoherently while pointing at the direction he came from. “I see. You ought to be more careful, Pink Guy. This realm is no playground.”
Pink Guy grunted, flailed his arms about, and blew a raspberry the amphibian’s way.
“Regardless, I have something that should aid you in your battle.” Salamander Man reached behind his back and pulled a handgun from seemingly out of nowhere and handed it to Pink Guy. The pink lycra cooed in awe, dragged his tongue along the barrel, his eyes fluttering in ecstasy. “Aww, ja,” he moaned in a vaguely German accent.
“I must go now. The fake one must not know what we are up to. Until then, good luck.” With that Salamander Men produced a flute, once again out of nowhere, and placed it to his nostrils, playing a long-forgotten tune as Pink Guy ran back the way he came. Perhaps now that he had a gun, he would actually stand a chance.
Outside the castle, Erena drifted through the air on her staff, eyeing the fortress carefully. She had watched Pink Guy disappear into the structure’s dark corridors earlier, but she remained hesitant to give pursuit, eager for payback but more anxious that she would be caught unaware by the grotesque creature. Unfortunately for Erena, her fears were realized as she descended to the structure’s main doors, which promptly flung upon, revealing Pink Guy bearing a delighted expression.
“Ey, boss! Boss! I need the pussy, boss!”
Righting herself after nearly falling off of her staff in shock, Erena mustered her confidence and declared, “I won’t let you get away this time!” Pink Guy responded by unzipping the back of his suit and withdrawing Salamander Man’s pistol from the crotch area, brandishing the weapon wildly with an accompanying screech. Erena’s bravado promptly deflated like a balloon.
Erena turned tail and zoomed off back into the sky as Pink Guy took aim and opened fire. Bullet after bullet zipped past Erena’s head as she zigzagged about in a desperate attempt to evade the attack. On the ground, Pink Guy’s firearm techniques proved less than practical as he contorted his body into odd shapes without ceasing his fire, opting to aim the pistol backward, through his legs, or while laying on his back. Ignorant of Pink Guy’s ineffectual shooting, Erena darted back, forth, up, and down on her staff as she randomly changed directions in a panic until she eventually lost control. The magical girl plummeted out of the sky and smashed into the ground, sending up a massive cloud of debris.
As the dust settled, Erena, laying in a heap after the crash, looked up through teary, stinging eyes at her assailant. Pink Guy stood above, triumphant, his tongue flicking out as he trained the pistol on Erena’s forehead.
“What are you waiting for, monster?” she whimpered. “Just finish it.”
The pair remained motionless for a moment, the only sounds being Erena’s soft tears and Pink Guy’s unnatural gasping. Finally, Pink Guy broke the standstill by withdrawing his aim and stuffing the pistol into his mouth. Instead, he spun around and bent over, facing his rear end directly towards Erena. The girl had little time for confusion before a beam of pink light was fired directly from Pink Guy’s anus, striking her head-on and sending her tumbling backward and into unconsciousness. Admiring his handiwork from afar, Pink Guy spat the gun out of his mouth, rolled his head back and shook it back and forth as he let out a victory screech.
It took some backtracking, but Pink Guy finally rediscovered the monster corpse he had hidden the CD in. Much to his relief, it was still there, safely tucked away in the monstrosity’s orifice. He retrieved the dirty CD and planted a loving kiss on it, smearing some of the monster’s blood and other bodily juices onto his face. Not only did the CD contain his own mixtape, Pink Season, but also the location where Franku would finally escape his banishment. Oh, how he longed to see his friend again.
“Seems like you’re finally done,” said Salamander Man as he once again joined the pink dumbass.
“Is that ***** safe?” Pink Guy cried.
“Frank is safe,” Salamander Man said, presenting his nipples. “But you must give me the coordinates.”
Pink Guy nodded and put the CD on Salamander Man’s nipple and rubbed it a little. The amphibian smiled and dismissively waved his hand. “You must go now. The fake one cannot know where you have been.” Pink Guy grunted in agreement and crawled back into the alien’s mangled corpse, returning to his own realm.
Feeling ecstatic over the progress they had made, Salamander Man rubbed his nipples once more and yelled to the heavens above. “Fuck the Dark Lord, we about to come back!”
“Erena! Erena, you gotta get up!”
Erena was awakened by her newly-returned companion, Ovi, who ceased bumping against her face when her tear-stained eyes fluttered open. She groaned in pain as she sat up, her head aching, and her mind a blur.
“Thank goodness that you’re alright! C’mon, we’ve got to continue our mission!”
The magical girl struggled to stand up but failed, collapsing onto her hands and knees. “I can’t,” she murmured. “That ugly pink monster, he hurt me bad.”
An assured smile crept onto Ovi’s expression. “Don’t worry, Erena! I know just the thing! I know many techniques for healing magical girls!” Ovi’s body began to change, squeezing itself into a long, rod-like shape. “I’ll just recreate the moment that I gave you your magical powers, and you’ll be right as rain!”
“Wait, what?! No, don’t!”
“Now, get that skirt up!”