What happens when a well-known B-Movie actor, who has fought a Chinese God, comes across an electronic store employee while on a tour in England, during an outbreak of Zom-Don't use that Word!- um, creatures? When these two Horror-Comedy warriors collide, one will be victorious, and the other will be the laughingstock.

Bruce Campbell

Click! The Safety's still on!

Bruce is a B-Movie actor with a career that's practically hit and miss, mostly miss. One day, he get's kidnapped by Jeff, his biggest fan, who asks him to save his hometown of Gold Lick. Thinking it to be some sort of PR gig, Bruce agrees to be the Hero of the "movie", that is until he finds out that the creature, a Chinese God named Guan Di, is actually real, and retreats, killing several townsfolk in the process. After retreating, and running away from town, Bruce gets a call from Jeff, who reveals that he'll face Guan Di, as he was the one that accidentally released him. Reluctantly, Bruce returns to Gold Lick, and, with help from Jeff and his mother, defeats the creature.

Bruce's Weapons

Bruce Campbell faced Guan Di with the following:

Rifle- Marlin 336C Lever Action Rifle- Marlin's answer to the Winchester Model 1894. Fires a .30-30, and holds 8 rounds in the tube. It ejects the shell casing out the side, allowing the option of a telescopic sight, not that Bruce used one.

Handgun- AMT Hardballer Longslide- based off of the M1911. Semi-Auto, holds 7 .45ACP rounds in a mag.

Long Melee- Guandao- This is, basically, the Chinese version of the Naginata, or a funky-looking Halberd thing.

Medium Melee- Baseball Bat- an improvised club, more commonly associated with one of America's favorite pastimes.

Short Melee- K-Bar Knife- fashioned using one of the world's best designs for knives.

Explosives- Dynamite- a highly useful explosive, that can use either a lit fuss or an electronic one.

Shaun Riley

You got red on your shirt.

(Shaun's last name is on his DJ stuff- looked it up on IMDb) Shaun was working a dead end job, and had no ambition in his life, past going to the Winchester practically every night. He had a poor relationship with his stepfather, and his girlfriend had dumped him. However, when Zom- Don't say that Word!- um, creatures show up, Shaun finds himself leading a group of survivors, consisting of his best friend, his now ex-girlfriend, two of his ex-girlfriend's friends, his mother, and his stepfather, heading towards the Winchester, on the biases that it was much safer than their homes. Along the way, Shaun makes peace with his stepfather, just before the man dies of a wound, and hooks back up with his, once again, girlfriend, just as practically everyone gets killed after her friends cause the zombies to enter the pub. Thankfully, the pair manage to escape to freedom, and safety, when elements of the British Army show up.

Shaun's Weapons

Shaun faced zom- Don't say that Word!- um, creatures, with the following:

Rifle- Winchester 1866 "Yellow Boy" Rifle- the successor to the Henry Rifle, fires .44 R.F. rounds, and holds 15 in the tube.

Handgun- Beretta 92FS- Semi-Auto. 9mm, 15 rounds in the mag.

Long Melee- Child's Tennis (swingball) Pole- while meant for playing a game, the end that can be stuck in the ground allows this to be used as an improvised spear.

Medium Melee- Cricket Bat- the cousin to the baseball bat. The game is mostly played in Europe, thus the cricket bat is as common there, as the baseball bat is in America.

Short Melee- Glass Bottle- I guess the Schnapps was expired. Hopefully, the alcohol will disinfect the cuts.

Explosive- Molotov Cocktail- When you're stuck in a place full of flammable spirits, making a cocktail is easy, if you know how to do it.


Alright, these guys aren't your average fighters- five bucks says that the NotLD Survivors (1969) could beat them. Still, there are those factors that might make, or break, them.

Killer Instinct

Who is better at killing their foes?


Let's face it, this guy took on the Chinese God of War and survived. That being said, he did, accidentally, kill a number of people, especially as he ran away the first time he saw the God of War, and realized that it was real, and not part of a movie gig.


This guy fought a number of the undead. Now, while he's not a hardened killer, the undead included those he knew, like the local pub owners, his mother, his flatmate, and others.


How smart are these two?


For the most part, this guy thought that Guan Di's Ghost was just some movie Gig thing. That being said, when he came back for round 2, Bruce did have something of a plan, which was to trap the creature in the mine.


While initially oblivious to the zom - Don't say that word! - um, creatures, Shaun did come up with a reasonably intelligent plan - take those he cared about to a place that could be fortified.


X-Factors Chart between Bruce and Shaun
X-Factor Bruce Campbell (My Name is Bruce) Shaun Riley (Shaun of the Dead)
Killer Instinct 55 55
Intelligence 70 75
Leadership 65 70
Logistics 75 60
Quality of Followers 70 65
Average 67 65


1. Killer Instinct - This is Even. Neither of these guys are hardened killers. Bruce defeated the Chinese God of War, but he also accidentally killed a bunch of people. Shaun never fought the living, but a number of the zom- (DON'T SAY THAT WORD!) - um, creatures, had once been people he'd known, like his mother.

2. Intelligence - Shaun has this. He might not have noticed the zom- Um, Creatures, for the first "15 minutes of the Apocolypse", but he did come up with a good plan to protect his friends. Bruce on the other hand took Half of the movie thinking he was to play a part in a movie, before he realized that "This isn't a movie!" However, after his initial cowardnice, he does come up with a good plan, to save Jeff - His #1 Fan.

3. Leadership - Shaun has this. He actually lead his friends. Bruce deserted his allies, once things became "real".

4. Logistics - Bruce has this one. His allies include the owner of a Gun Store, who supplied him with firearms. Shaun had to make due with found objects, and was lucky to find an actual firearm, which was loaded.

5. Quality of Followers - Bruce has this, as most of his allies know how to use weapons. Shaun's friends do not have much experiance.

Battle Situation

In this battle, Bruce will be accompanied by 4 residents of Gold Lick, who will be known as Kelly, Frank, Dirt Farmer, and Mayor. Shaun will have his friends, Liz, Ed, Dianne, and David.

Voting Rules

Give me decent weapons edges, or a nice paragraph of 10, or more, sentences in length. References to Hot Fuzz will get you killed by the Neighborhood Watch Alliance, and likewise, references to Army of Darkness will summon the Deadites. Have fun.

Voting will end on December 13.

Deadliest Warrior

Looks like the actor, Bruce Campbell, beats out electronics salesman Shaun Riley. He takes better Melee weapons, and better followers, and fought a tougher foe, compared to Shaun. Ah well, who wants to go to the Winchester for a cold pint?

The Battle

Bruce Campbell x5

Shaun Riley x5

Bruce Campbell awoke with a headache. “What the hell was I drinking last night?”

“A few things of Irish whisky,” said a familiar voice. “Now, move your hand!”

“Now, why should I do that?”

Suddenly, a gunshot rang out, and Bruce turned his head, to see something drop from the window. “What the hell was that?” He then turned his head to look back at his new wife. “Um, Kelly? What just happened?”

“Zombies, that’s what!” the woman said, cocking a lever-action rifle. “Now get your ass out of bed, and put some clothes on!”

“Zombies!” Bruce exclaimed, as he changed his shorts, put new, clean ones on. “What in the hell do we have to fight them off with?”

“Marlin 336C Lever Action Rifle, AMT Hardballer Longslide semi-auto pistol, Guan Di’s Guando, a baseball bat, K-Bar knife, and dynamite,” came the answer from Frank, the man who owned the gun store in the town of Gold Lick.

“Mmmm, he looks good,” said Frank’s lover, a Dirt Farmer.

“Bruce, please tell us you have a plan to get us out of this mess?” Gold Lick’s Mayor asked.

Bruce blinked at this. He then looked at Kelly. “How did these people get here?”

“You had three extra tickets for your promotional tour of your latest movie, and Jeff was at collage.”

“Oh, right,” said Bruce. “First up, I need a bar of soap, and a bottle of Jack.”

“Are you going to make Molotov Cocktails with the bottle?” Frank asked.

“No, I’m going to drink it!”

“And here I thought he had a plan,” said the Dirt Farmer.

“Wait, I’ve got it!” Bruce exclaimed. “The pub! Yeah, that’s the place we need to go!”

“Are you sure?” Gold Lick’s Mayor asked.

“Of course!” Bruce exclaimed. “They’ll have plenty of Jack Daniels there!”

The Mayor groaned at this. “Not again. Now I know he’s lost it.”

“Actually, he might have a point there,” said Kelly. “A pub has to be more defensible than this place.”

“Well, we’ve got nothing to lose, except our lives,” said Frank.

“I hope not,” said the Dirt Farmer. “The Supreme Court just passed the Same-Sex Marriage Bill.”

“Mmmm, good to know,” said Frank.

Sometime later, Bruce and his group were near a pub called The Winchester. “Well, how do you like that? With an American name like that, it has to have plenty of American booze.”

However, inside the pub, a British electronic salesman, named Shaun Riley, was arguing with the other members of his group over the Winchester Model 1866 “Yellow Boy” rifle he was holding.

“For the last time!” Shaun yelled, as he placed his finger on the trigger. “This rifle is not-“ *Ka-Boom!* A round fired from the rifle, traveling through the window, and straight into the forehead of Gold Lick’s Mayor. “Oh crap! It is real!”

B.C. x4

“I knew it!” Ed exclaimed.

“Um, you just killed that guy,” said David.

“They’re hostile!” Bruce yelled. “Attack!”

Bruce and Kelly began firing into the pub, Bruce with the Longslide, and Kelly with the Marlin,

“Christ! What’s going on?” Shaun fired back, as their group got behind the counter.

“I don’t know what’s going on with those guys out there, but it seems that the pub owner had a few things we can use,” Liz said, as she pulled out a Berretta 92 FS, a cricket bat, and a swingball pole, complete with insertion spike. “Anyone know how to load a pistol?”

“I do,” Ed said, as he loaded the gun. “All you have to do is-”

“Let me take it before you kill one of us,” Liz said. “Dianne, you get the cricket bat, and David, you get the swingball pole, use it like a spear.”

“What about me?” Ed asked.

“There’s bottles of spirits we can use,” said Shaun. “Think you can make a Molotov Cocktail or something?”

“Coming right up.”

Meanwhile, outside, Bruce looked at the other members of his group. “Kelly, get the dynamite and toss it at the wall. Frank, once the dynamite goes boom, and blows a big old hole, you and your boyfriend are to rush it with, using the baseball bat and the ninja spear thing, and try to force a way in, while me and Kelly provide support.”

The group nods at this – it wasn’t like they had any other plans made up anyways.

Kelly got some dynamite, lit the fuse, and tossed it, the dynamite exploded, leaving a nice-sized hole in the wall.

“Charge!” yelled Bruce, as Frank and the Dirt Farmer ran towards the opening.

“We need to hold them back,” Dianna said, as he picked up the cricket bat, and grabbed David, who grabbed the swingball pole.

“I’m going to hate this,” David said, as he was dragged along.

The two British citizens engaged in fierce combat with the two American rednecks, until David managed to stab Dirt Farmer in the stomach, killing him.

“I got him!” David yelled.

“NO!” bellowed Frank, as he swung his guando, taking David’s head off. He then thrust the weapon into Dianna, killing her.

“NO!” Liz yelled, as she fired her Baretta.

“Oi! Have some of this!” Ed shouted, as he tossed a Molotov cocktail at the American.

Frank screamed in pain as the volatile concoction set him on fire. He tried to roll on the ground, but it was too much.

B.C. x2

S.R. x3

“Those bastards!” Bruce exclaimed. “They’d better not have used any Jack Daniels in that cocktail!” He charged at the opening, only for a bottle to slam into his head.

“I can’t believe it!” Ed exclaimed. “It’s Bruce Campbell, star of Army of Darkness! I love that movie!”

“Was that a bottle of Jack Daniels you hit me with?” Bruce asked.

“Um, yeah, I think it was.”

“You bastard!” Bruce pulled out a KA-Bar Knife, and stabbed Ed with it. “How dare you ruin a good bottle of Jack!”

S.R. x2

“ED! NO!”

Bruce looked inside the pub, and saw two people in it, one armed with a lever action rifle, the other armed with a pistol, and both had their weapons pointed right at him. “Oh crap!” He got back outside, as gunfire erupted behind him.

Kelly got up alongside of him. “How many are left?” She asked, handing him the Longslide.

“Just two,” said Bruce.

“Wait until I say go.”

There was soon a lull in the gunfire.


The two Americans leapt into the opening, and fired. Soon, the two British people were dead.

S.R. x0

B.C. x2

“How do you like that?” Bruce shouted.

“Bruce, we’ve got another problem,” said Kelly.



Bruce turned around, and saw the horde of zombies that had been watching the fight. “Oh crap!”

The zombies then rushed them.

“This is worse than my first marriage!”

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