Abraham Lincoln, The 16th President of the United States of America, a man so badass, writers have to make stuff up, just to make him look even more badass!
In 2009, Seth Grahame-Smith was on a tour of the country, and everywhere he looked, Vampire books, especially the Twilight Series, were on tables next to tables with books about Abraham Lincoln. This gave him the idea to combine the two, resulting in the Mashup Novel, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which tells a Secret Tale about how Abraham Lincoln was really a vampire hunter. In 2012, a movie based off of the book, Produced by Tim Burton, and Staring Benjamin Walker as the Titular Character, was made. Shortly after this, The Asylum production company made the Mockbuster Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies. Staring Bill Oberst Jr. as the Titular Character, this Abraham Lincoln fought Zombies instead of vampires.
What happens when these two Undead Slayers, who are fictionalized versions of the 16th President, pit their skills against each other? Who will be The Deadliest?
Born in 1809, Abraham Lincoln had his first encounter with vampires in 1818, although he didn't know what they were, when he saw his father's ex-boss, Jack Barts, kill his mother in some manner that only left what looked to be a bite.
Nine years later, after his father died, he went after the man who had killed his mother. After shooting Jack Barts in the face, Abraham thought that the matter was done, until the man got up, and began tossing him around, and would have killed him, if not for a stranger's assistance.
The Stranger, Henry Sturges, offers to train Abraham in the ways of killing vampires, with Lincoln's preferred weapon being a simple woodcutting ax, with was later modified to have a silver blade, and a gun hidden in the handle. One of the things that Henry teaches Abraham is to "always have a contingency plan", which proves to be beneficial advice on multiple occasions.
Eventually, Henry sends Abraham to Springfield, Illinois, to kill vampires there, and warns Lincoln not to form attachments. Lincoln manages to slay several vampires, and, against Sturges' advice, begins to court Mary Todd. However, Jack Barts finds out, and comes after Lincoln again. Lincoln, after a chase involving fighting on top of several horses, manages to kill Barts, and finds out that his teacher was also a vampire.
Sturges tells Lincoln the truth about him; he'd been after a vampire named Adam about a hundred years prior, and he'd been in love with a woman. Adam came after him, and killed his wife, just as Lincoln's mother had been killed, and then bit him - those who are pure of heart die, while those who are not end up turning. He then tells him "Only the Living can kill the Dead".
Lincoln leaves him be, but when a childhood friend of his, William Johnson, is kidnapped, Lincoln gets help from the storekeeper he works for, Joshua Speed. Lincoln finds out that Adam has done the job, and planned to use William, among others, who were slaves, to feed on. While Abraham is able to save William, after a difficult fight against many of Adam's best men, he's unable to save the other slaves, and Joshua has to save them. The three then meet up with Harriet Tubman, who takes then to safety, via the Underground Railroad.
Abraham soon marries Mary, gets involved in politics, having put away his silver axe, and is eventually elected President. This cause the South, where most vampires live, to succeed from the Union. Eventually, in 1863, Confederate vampires attack Union troops at Gettysburg. Lincoln formulates a plan - gather up the silver in Washington, and melt it into ammunition and bayonets to fight off the vampires, and puts it on a train.
Picking up his silver axe once more, Lincoln and his friends get on the train heading to Gettysburg, in order to protect the silver. Vampires soon board, forcing Lincoln to fight them once more. It is soon discovered that the train is carrying nothing but rocks, having been a ruse to get Adam and his followers in one place. In truth, the Underground Railroad was carrying the silver to the troops.
Soon enough, the train falls off a collapsing bridge, and Abraham manages to kill Adam. The troops get their special ammo and bayonets, and thus kill the Confederate vampires. Eventually, the South is Defeated, and the vampires flee America. Abraham eventually gives Henry his Diary, which tells his story, and goes to Ford's Theater, where he is, presumably, assassinated.
A hundred years later, Henry meets up with a man in a bar, who seems to be in a similar predicament that Abraham had once been in.
Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter Film)'s Weapons
This Abraham Lincoln fought vampires with the following weapons:
Special - Modified Axe - originally, this was a simple Woodcutter's Axe, like the kind for cutting down trees. However, it was modified to have a silver blade, with a gun barrel hidden in it's handle. After pulling on the head, to expose the trigger, allowing Abraham to fire a musket ball. Single Shot, Likely .50 caliber, range about 10 feet. When not in use, Lincoln hides his axe in his overcoat/topcoat.
Regular Melee - Dagger - Stabbing knife with an 8 inch blade.
Single Shot Pistol - Flintlock pistol - single shot pistol that relies on a piece of flint, and some powder in a pan, to fire. .50 caliber
Revolver - Starr 1858 Army - Six shot double-action revolver. This is a Cap-and-Ball revolver in .44 Caliber. Rage - 50 Yards
Born in 1809, Abraham Lincoln had an encounter with some strange creatures in 1818. This encounter cause his father to commit suicide, and forced him to kill his mother, who had become one of the creatures, due to a bite. Said creatures could only die by being shot in the head, or by decapitation. After dealing with his mother, Abraham then went out to help the rest of his neighbors.
By 1863, Lincoln is now the President of the United States of America, in the midst of the Civil War, some time after the Battle of Gettysburg, when he finds out that a Top Secret mission has seriously failed. He then learns that the soul survivor is seriously sick with some sort of affliction. After observing the survivor, and hearing his story, and then "dealing" with him, with a folding half-scythe thing, Lincoln leads twelve men of the newly formed Secret Service into Confederate Territory, specifically, to Fort Pulaski, to figure out what happened, only to find something far worse than Confederates, zombies, as Agent Brown, a former slave who had learned about the word, and its origins, from his mother, begins to call the creatures.
Lincoln losses two men in the attempt to take the fort, one was bit by the creatures, whom Lincoln himself shot to prevent from turning, much to the astonishment of the other agents, and the other to Confederate fire when the agent attempted to shut the fort's doors to keep the creatures from getting in. A third is shot in the shoulder, but survives. The doors are closed, and the three Confederates guarding the fort, including an injured one-armed, and severely coughing, General Stonewall Jackson, and Corporal Pat Garrett, are captured and taken prisoner. Lincoln learns of an infected Confederate soldier that had been locked up, and takes a look, along with his men and the Confederates. Lincoln tells what he knows about the creatures, explaining that they weren't human, and that only by shooting them in the head, or by decapitating them, or some such thing, could the creatures be killed.
He then locks the Confederates up, leaves some men to stand guard, and sets off into town with the rest, to try and locate a working telegraph, to try and get help from anyone. One agent is killed when he, and one John Wilkinson find out that the telegraph was no good, with the office filled with the creatures, and another gets accidentally shot in the leg by a woman, who was an old flame of the President, Mary Owens, who was sheltering her daughter, an employee of hers, and a young Theodore Roosevelt, who had been separated from his family during the turmoil. After creating a diversion, Lincoln manages to get them to the fort, although Mary's employee is killed when she is bitten by one of the creatures.
Lincoln then talks to the Confederates, to try and get a line on additional weapons to use in the fort's defense, as well as to make an attack on the infected. Jackson, believing the infected to merely be sick, refuses to do so, but Pat Garrett decides to help Lincoln, and leads him and a number of the others to a farm filled with implements that could be used to kill the creatures. On the way back, the group is attacked, and thankfully saved when the other agents, fearing trouble, arrive in time to save them, but Mary is infected. Reluctant to kill his old girlfriend, Lincoln has her placed in a bedroom, to try and make her last hours comfortable.
In the morning, Lincoln and a number of his remaining able-bodied men, as well as Mary's daughter, Pat, and Theodore, set out to clear the town of the infected, although John Wilkinson, who refused to take part in the operation, feeling it to be a slaughter, stays behind to watch over Mary. While Abraham, and most of the others, are out, Wilkinson looks at an unconscious Mary, and scoffs at her, talking about how scandalous if would be if everyone in Washington knew that the President had once been in love with a whore. He then visits the infected Confederate, and identifies himself as an agent for the Confederacy, John Wilkes Booth, and tries to release the infected man, only to be forced to kill the dead Confederate when the creature attacks him.
Meanwhile, in town, things don't go so well. While a large number of zombies are killed, five agents are also killed, three due to being surprised/mobbed by zombies, one by suicide (to keep from dying like his partner when he was injured/surrounded), and one was ran over by a train (although he could have stepped to the side, he tried to outrun it instead and how in the hell the train showed up, and was not noticed by the others, is not mentioned or brought up, nor does the train stop, or try to stop), and thus Lincoln is forced to retreat back to the base with the survivors.
Wilkinson decides to kill Lincoln, but prevents himself from doing so when he catches the President praying at the base chapel, as be believed that killing the man during prayer would send the man's soul into Heaven, when he wished it to go to Hell. Garrett talks to Jackson, and manages to convince the Confederate General, and the other soldier, that Lincoln is right, and that his cause is just. Jackson shows Lincoln a cache of gunpowder, and a plan is formed - lure the zombies in the base, get as many as possible into the room, light a fuse, and watch it blow up, destroying both the zombies, and the base.
Jackson, although slightly hindered by a set of bad lungs, manages to call the undead into the fort, using his bugle. The undead come into the fort, and are tricked into the powder room, as the remaining survivors, except for Lincoln, Jackson, and Brown, escape from the fort through a secret passage. However, the fuse goes out. Lincoln is about to go to relight it, when Jackson, who is dying from previously sustained injuries, insists that he do the deed, stating that most of the infected Confederates had served under him, and that it would be more fitting for him to do it. Taking a torch, the General manages to light the fuse, dying in the process. Lincoln and Brown escape, using a Zip Line - like contraption they had made, and the zombies are all killed.
18 months later, Lincoln visits a zombified Mary, whom Lincoln had left in the care of a trustworthy doctor, to try and find a cure for her condition, and talks to her, mentioning that John Wilkinson was really John Wilkes Booth, and that the man was plotting his kidnapping, or assassination. When he tries to wash her hands, Mary bites Lincoln, thus infecting him. After killing her with a derringer, Lincoln writes a letter, and gives it to the doctor, giving him instructions to send it to Wilkinson.
The next day, an ailing Lincoln gets on a carriage, and goes to Ford's Theater, where, presumably, John Wilkes Booth kills him, mainly for Booth's own reasons, and, as Lincoln hoped, to prevent another outbreak from happening.
Abraham Lincoln (Vs. Zombies)'s Weapons
This Abraham Lincoln slayed zombies with the following weapons:
Special: Modified Scythe - This Lincoln likes to use a modified scythe - it has a handle that is approximately three feet in length with a hand grip, and a three foot blade. The blade can be folded down when not needed, like with a switchblade, or opened with the flick of a wrist, much like a switchblade. Lincoln is able to use this modified farm implement to slice the heads off of his foes with ease. When not in use, Lincoln hides his sythe, in folded form, under his overcoat/topcoat.
Regular Melee: Dirk - Stabbing weapon with an eight inch blade.
Single Shot Pistol: Philadelphia Derringer - this is a cap-and-ball muzzle-loading handgun. It requires a percussion cap to be placed on a nipple before it can be fired. .50 Caliber, Range 10 Feet.
Revolver: Colt 1860 Army - Six-shot single action revolver, using a paper cartridge using a .44 caliber round. Range 50 Yards
|X-Factor||Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter Film)||Abraham Lincoln (Vs. Zombies)|
|Close Quarters Combat||90||80|
Note - Lincoln (VHF) refers to the Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter Film) version, while Lincoln (VZ) refers to the Abraham Lincoln (Vs. Zombies) version.
1. Training - Lincoln (VHF) was trained by one Henry Struges in the art of slaying vampires, and made sure that he was up to the job. Lincoln (VZ) on the other hand was most likely self-taught, or taught by others who were self-taught themselves, although, given that he did lead men into battle, he might have had some basic training, or was presumably well-read in such matters, given his real counterpart like to read as well, or at least learned how to from his advisers. Edge: Lincoln (VHF)
2. Killer Instinct - Lincoln (VHF) had to deal with vampires, including those who had killed his family members, kidnapped his friends, threatened his loved ones, and all in all, threatened the whole of the Union. Lincoln (VZ) had to kill several of those he'd known who had become, or were turning into, zombies, including his mother, one of his bodyguards, a woman he once loved, and, after he'd been infected, arranged for his own assassination in order to prevent another Outbreak from occurring. Edge: Lincoln (VZ)
3. Marksmanship - When it came to using firearms, Lincoln (VHF) always had trouble when it came to shooting, either he'd drop something, or he'd have to trick his foes, or ambush them up close, and generally didn't like using firearms due to past trouble. Lincoln (VZ) on the other hand was more comfortable shooting, even instructing a young Theodore Roosevelt on how to use a firearm, and how to aim, all while the kid was on his shoulders to snipe at zombies on the other side of a hedgerow/brick wall, although he preferred to use firearms when there wasn't a danger of being surrounded/ambushed by the zombies. Edge: Lincoln (VZ)
4. Close Quarters Combat - Now, this is where Lincoln (VHF) really shines - he almost always uses his axe for dispatching his foes, though he does engage in a little hand-to-hand fighting on occasion, when he has to. That being said, Lincoln (VZ) is no slouch at close quarters combat himself, using his scythe to behead plenty of his foes. Still, most of his foes aren't as fast as Lincoln (VHF)'s. Edge: Lincoln (VHF)
5. Physical Strength - Both Lincolns are quite strong, as it is not easy to decapitate your foes. That being said, Lincoln (VHF) trained alongside an actual vampire, not that he knew what the guy was, learning martial art-like abilities, and increasing his strength, and thus can cut down a good-sized tree in one blow. Lincoln (VZ) is no slouch when it comes to physical strength, in one instance, he had a young (about 10-12 years old) Theodore Roosevelt on his shoulders, shooting a 1861 Springfield rifle at some zombies in the yard next to the one they were staying in, in order to clear the way - no easy task. Still, Lincoln (VHF) once had to deal with a horse being tossed at him. Edge: Lincoln (VHF)
6. Agility - As mentioned, Lincoln (VHF) has been trained in Martial Arts-like moves, and is very agile - fighting on top of horses, and trains, is not easy. As for Lincoln (VZ), he has his moments, like when he zip-lined out of an exploding Fort Pulaski to a nearby tree, to say nothing about when he carried a struggling Theodore Roosevelt shortly after the death of a young woman that had been shot by one of Abraham's men after she'd been bitten, and is a fairly good runner, being able to avoid being bitten by the zombies he dealt with at the fort, he's not as agile as his Vampire Hunter counterpart. Edge: Lincoln (VHF)
7. Intelligence - Both Lincolns are very smart, and came up with plans to defeat their foes, which were quite good. Lincoln (VHF)'s plan was to lure the vampires to the train that he was on, which was carrying rocks, while his wife was with the Underground Railroad, carrying the silver to the troops. The plans of Lincoln (VZ) were also good - slowly, and methodically, kill the undead in the town - the only reason that failed was because of mistrust, a lack of teamwork, and underestimating the number of the infected - and his second plan, upon finding the gunpowder was good as well, lure the undead into the powder chamber, and blow the place sky high - it almost failed due to a zombie stepping on the fuse, but the problem was soon fixed, thanks in part to the sacrifice of General Stonewall Jackson. Also, after being infected, Lincoln (VZ) was smart enough to set up his own assassination, which would prevent an outbreak, and keep people from discovering the real reason for his death, as people would have questioned him committing suicide, among other things. Edge: Lincoln (VZ)
8. Average - Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter Film) seems to be the winner here, but Abraham Lincoln (Vs. Zombies) comes in fairly close. Edge: Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter Film)
After hearing reports of strange creatures from the soul, and dying, survivor of a Mission-Gone-Wrong, Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter Film) sets out to discover what happened. He encounters his counterpart, Abraham Lincoln (Vs. Zombies), who is in the process trying to dispatch the undead, and thus believes him to be an impostor sent to take his place. Abraham Lincoln (Vs. Zombies) is now forced to to protect himself.
Who will win? The Vampire Hunter from the 20th Century Fox Film, or the Zombie Slayer from the Asylum Productions Mockbuster? There can be only One Honest Abe!
Votes must be five sentences in length, or contain Edges for Weapons/fighters. Votes saying "Asylum Movies Suck" or "Tim Burton is Awesome!" will not be counted.
Voting goes until September 15, unless I deem otherwise.
(An excerpt from Abraham Lincoln’s Secret Journal, wherein he tells his secret life as a vampire hunter. This is but one of his many unusual adventures.)
Henry, this following adventure I can reasonably tell you to be true, and I’ve told many a strange tale. In this tale, I came face-to-face with my own death.
It was after the Battle of Gettysburg, where so many brave young men lost their lives, some to those fiends that you and I know so much about, that I got a report from Fort Pulaski about a unit of men who got lost in a strange fog while on patrol, and were attacked by a strange hostile force that seemed to be comprised of men who wore the uniforms of both Union and Confederate, as well as the clothing of civilians. According to the sole survivor, these men, without any warning, attacked the patrol, and tore them limb from limb, and ate their flesh. The sole survivor, who was bitten by these men, managed to escape on his horse, and fled the scene, eventually making it back to the fort, ‘as if Hell itself was after him’ as the man on guard duty described him as he approached. According to the fort’s commanding officer, the survivor could still hear the screams of his fellow soldiers, even as he fell into a fever.
After receiving the report, I decided to investigate the situation myself. I went to the fort and tried to talk to the soldier, but he soon became aggressive, and tried to attack me. Luckily, I had brought my axe with me, and, sad to say, I was forced to dispatch him, by removing his head. Of course, I had tried to reason with him before this, but, unlike with the fiends we normally deal with, there was no reasoning, or even attempted reasoning. He’d become like an animal, and I was forced to defend myself. The commanding officer was not pleased by this development, not that I could blame him.
I got on a horse, and went in the direction the massacred unit had gone, to try to find out what had happened. Eventually, I rode into a hellishly thick fog, and all but lost my sense of direction. That was when I heard the sound, the sound of fighting. I tried to direct my horse closer, but the beast refused to go further. Reluctantly, I got off, tied it to a tree, and carefully walked towards the sounds.
Soon, I located the source, and was surprised to find someone, who reminded me of my reflection in the mirror, killing people with little more than a scythe. Each stroke beheaded a man, or a woman. His victims acted like the doomed soldier I’d killed in self-defense, just coming at him, with no attempt to reason or anything. Soon, they were all dead.
That was when he noticed me. “Who are you?” he asked, still holding onto his scythe. “Are you some sort of actor, who likes to portray himself as me on stage?”
“Who are you?” I asked, as I reached into my overcoat. “Are you a follower of Adam?”
“I am Abraham Lincoln,” the man said. “President of these here United States of America.”
“No,” I said, pulling out my ax. “I am Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States of America!”
I attacked, swinging my axe. The impostor ran, getting several trees between me and him. Still, this proved to be of little use, as I was able to take them out in one swing each, continuing to close in on him. He the popped out from behind the last tree, a Colt revolver in his hand, and fired. I got lucky; the bullet grazed my cheek – half an inch and I wouldn’t have to worry about that speech at Gettysburg.
I decided to get behind cover, and pulled out my Starr revolver, and returned fire. I managed to hit the tree he hid behind, but he too was a good shot, actually he was better, forcing me to duck more often than not. Soon, our revolvers were spent.
“Do you give up?” he asked. “We have bigger issues to deal with here than some identity crisis.”
I pulled out my flintlock pistol, and readied it. I also got out my dagger. I stepped out from behind my tree, and found him similarly armed, with a Derringer and a dirk. I decided to get as close to him as I could, so that I wouldn’t be able to miss my shot, and walked towards him. He in turn began walking towards me, as that Derringer wasn’t very accurate past a few steps.
I then took aim, and fired, and missed! He then rushed at me, his dirk ready. I parried his blade with mine, punched him in the face, leapt back, pulled out my axe, pulled on my weapon’s head, revealing the trigger, and pointed the muzzle end of my hidden gun at my foe’s face.
“Someone once told me to always have a contingency plan,” I told the impostor.
“I should of thought of one myself,” said the impostor. He then looked over my shoulder. “But I guess this will have to do.”
It was then that I heard something. I turned my head, and saw a man coming at me, in the manner of an animal, too close for me to get in a good swing with my axe. I heard something else, a gunshot, the bullet speeding past my ear, entering the head of my would-be attacker, stopping him dead cold. I looked back at the impostor, who was holding onto his smoking derringer.
“I told you that we have bigger issues than some identity crisis,” he said.
I looked back, yet again, and saw a large group of people coming towards us, all in the same manner as the others I’d seen.
“The gunfire must have attracted them,” the impostor said, as he stood next to me, and got out his scythe, which he’d hidden under his overcoat, just as I had hid my axe. He looked at me. “I hope you’re better with that axe than you are with a revolver or pistol.”
I reattached the head, and made ready to use it. “What are they?” I asked, as I looked at my new foes.
“Me and my men have been calling them zombies, based on the description my one man used when compared them to something from some dark pagan ritual,” the impostor said. “I don’t know exactly what they are, but I know this; don’t get bit, don’t get scratched, and don’t get any of their blood in your face or mouth, or you’ll become just like them. You have to remove their heads to kill them.”
“That won’t be a problem,” I said.
“These things killed my mother and father when I was just a boy,” the man said. “I’ll die before it spreads any further.”
He then began swinging, as did I, our blades flashing like lighting, from what sun there was. Then, there was something that made me pause, a little girl, maybe eight years old, coming at me.
“Swing you fool, swing!”
I found myself unable to swing at the girl. That was when the man shoved me out of her reach. The girl grabbed him, and bit him in the wrist.
I heard a gunshot, and saw the girl’s head blow apart. By luck, nothing got on me. I looked up, and saw about ten people coming towards us, two Confederates, a boy, a young woman, another woman, who looked very ill, and four men in suits, two of them injured, one was a negro, and the other reminded me of an actor I’d seen at the theater at one point or another.
“Mr. President,” the negro said. “Have you been injured?”
I was about to speak, when the other man did.
“Yes, Mr. Brown,” he said. “I’ve been bitten.”
I watched a smirk come to the actor-look-alike’s face, which was a sharp contrast to the sorrow on the others.
“Abe, it can’t be,” said the ill woman. “Who will find the cure for me, and you without you around?”
“I suppose no one will,” the man said.
“Mr. President, who is this man here?” the negro asked. “He looks a lot like you. He could pass for you.”
“I doubt that the country would like it if they found out that an impostor was leading them,” the man said. “Better I die here, and the story you will say is that some mad man ambushed me, while you were drinking, and killed me. Can you do that?”
The two wounded men, and the negro nodded, as did the rest, save the one.
“So, who’s to kill you?” the actor-look-alike asked.
“You will, Mr. Booth. I know you’re a Confederate agent, and have been plotting to kill me for some time. Now is your chance.”
At this, the actor’s face changed, especially as the others looked at him in shock, even the Confederates. “Very well,” he said, as he pulled out a derringer. “Good-bye, Mr. President.”
The man looked at me. “May we meet again, hopefully under better circumstances.”
I nodded. “I hope so.”
I stepped away, and Mr. Booth fired his pistol, muttering something in Latin, killing the man I’d fought against, and alongside of.
At that moment, the others pulled out their pistols and revolvers, and pointed them at Booth.
“What are you going to do?” Booth asked. “Kill me? He told me to do it.”
“Mr. Booth, you are a spy, and a traitor,” said Mr. Brown.
“And Pat Garrett’s a Confederate soldier, yet you have no problems working with him,” said Booth.
“I wasn’t plotting to murder the man who was working to save all of us from this outbreak,” the Confederate said.
“Well, you can’t just kill me, especially in cold blood.”
Mr. Brown frowned, and lowered his revolver. “In that case, you’ve got twenty-four hours, before we tell people that you got drunk, and killed the president. Take us a little while to get to help anyways.”
Booth gave a cruel grin, and walked away.
Mr. Brown looked at me. “What about you, Mister?”
I pointed back the way I came, through the fog. “Well, my business is in that direction. I best be going.”
Mr. Brown offered me his hand. “Good luck.”
I accepted his hand. “I appreciate it.”
The group walked off.
I looked at the body, frowned, and went back the way I came, through the fog, until I found my horse.
I then rode back to Fort Pulaski, and warned them to be on the lookout for any strangers that looked like doubles of people they knew, before I went home.
Like I said Henry, it was one of my rather stranger tales.