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There is no mistaking Lagash's joy in the slaughter of war, for the stele depicts carrion birds feasting on the entrails of the enemy dead.
— Saul David, The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Warfare

The Sumerian soldiers were citizens of the various city-states of Sumer, the first civilization, that fought in the army of their city. In Sumerian art, soldiers are often depicted wielding spears and rectangular shields, and wearing copper helmets. The Sumerian army also made use of carts harnessed to onagers. Though the crew of these early chariots carried battle-axes and lances, some have suggested they were primarly for transport rather than warfare.

Being the first civilization, Sumer also saw the first known war between the city-states of Uruk and Hamoukar, though little detail of the battle survived. The first known war to be descripted in any detail was that between Lagash and its neighbour Umma, as depicted in the Stele of the Vultures, which celebrated Lagash's victory. In the Stele, the king of Lagash can be seen leading his soldiers in what might be a phalanx formation, which requires training and discipline; this implies that the Sumerians may have made use of professional soldiers.

Battle vs. Rephaim (by GSFB)[]

Rephaims Red Red Red Red Red

Sumerian Chariots Brown Brown Brown Brown Brown

In the wilderness of Zin, five chariots, each pulled by either 2 or 4 wild Asses, are lost. They haven't known where they were since they took a wrong turn at Ur, and they are edgy. These are sumerians, though they look and speak like the cast of Monty Python. They are at their wits end, and begin to wonder if they might ride of the edge of the world.

"Face it Nevel, you're bloody lost!" one of the Sumerians said to another in his chariot. Nevel was looking over his parchment map and ignoring him.

"Eric, I think we messed up here,"Nevel said, looking over him. He just realized that they actually had Onagers this time.

"Why don't we have Peasant's clacking coconuts in front of us, like usual?" Nevel said.

"The Peasant Union is on strike, and the price of coconuts went up last month with the Farce-al cliff: we have to use real onagers, Nevel!" Eric said. The Onagers heard him and passd gas, gagging Eric. Nevel, too busy to notice, kept looking at his map.

"Well, anyways, I think we ought to turn back, passed that Abraham chap's tents, and go over to...Oh my Giddy aunt!"

"What?" Eric said, still trying to cope with the gas.


In the distance, a quarter of a mile away, five Rephaim warriors, all armored with horn helmets and massive weapons, marched towards them. Their voices were terrible to hear even from this distance, and the ground almost shook from their repeated footsteps in unison. They were between 7-9 feet tall of so, with the captain 11 feet. They taunted the Sumerians, wanting a fight.

"Well this is fan-bloody-tastic!" Eric said, regaining his voice as the stench dissapated. Nevel raised his sword.

"Alright! This is why I had you all march up and down the square for days on end. Tims like this! Everyone, standard formation! CHARGE!" Nevel said.

"Phalanx Formation!" the Rephaim leader said. His men mad a phalanx while he prepared a javelin.

The chariots moved. The Onagers picked up their speed to over 30 mph. Three charged towards the Rephaims while two moved to the sides, the extra warrior on each Sumerian chariot readying their composite bows and arrows. Both armies let loose their projectiles.

The Rephaim was hit three times with arrows yet unleashed his javelin. It failed to hit the Sumerians. s he readied another javelin the oncoming Sumerians fired at him again, but he stood his ground and let loose another javelin, striking one of the warriors in the oncoming chariots, running him through. Two more arrows were let loose, but the wounded captain raised his shield, all three hitting it. Another salvo was let loose, hitting one of the front facing giants in the throat, killing him Red. Another hit a Rephaim on his shield. Within a few moment the Chariots collided with the Rephaims.

Spears passed through most of the onagers, with a few being killed by blows to the head from the Rephaim's fists. The Sumerians struck with their melee weapons or fired their arrows, and although one managed to strike a Rephaim through the eye with a arrow strike Red, all the Sumerians and Onagers that charged at the Rephaims were slaughtered by the Rephaims spears, Kophesh swords, and bare hands Brown Brown Brown

Then the two other Chariots whirled around behind the Rephaims, their soldiers firing arrows. Oe Rephaim was struck twice in the kneck, falling like an oak Red. The Captain ordered his last man to fire his javelins at the Chariots, and he let loose more of his own. While the Rephaims proved suitably large targets, the Sumerian chariots were hard to hit. However, at one moment the Rephaims threw their javelins in unison, hitting one of the chariot vehicles. The Vehicle turned over, spilling the warriors out. The Onagers bayed and ran off into the distance, heading towards the southeast.

"Run the little one down!" the Captain of the Rephaim said.

By now, the giants looked like massive porcupines, so riddled with arrows they were. They charged towards the fallen Sumerians, but the other Chariot kept firing arrows at them, hitting them almost every time. The private Rephaim fell down, leaving the Captain to the battle ahead Red. When the Sumerians lying on the ground shook their heads and turned around, they saw the Rephaim captain nstanding over them, his horned helmet glistening in the sunlight.

"I never got to see Nineveh!" one of the Sumerians said. The other put an arm over his eyes, not wanting to see the end come. However, it did not: the Rephaim had succumbed to his arrows, bleeding out. Though standing, the giant was dead, his body tetering on a fall Red.

"Well that's good Richard: the giant's lost his ghost."

"Thank Sin, God of moon for that! I can't wait to get back home and have some bangers and mash, and-

"Oh no!"

"Huh? Now this just ain't right-"

The Rephaim teetered towards them, and fell before the Sumerian could finish speaking, all 1500 lbs of flesh and bronze crushing them with a heavy thud Brown.

Nevel and Eric, in the last remaining Chariot, rode over to the Fallen captain, examining their great victory.

"You know, Eric," Nevel said, sheathing his knife,

"It is times like this when you stop and ask yourself; what is the meaning of life?"

On of the Wild Asses bayed, pooping on the Dead Rephaim. The others followed suit.

Winner: Sumerians

Expert's Opinion[]

While some of the voters cited the massive size and intimidation factor of the Rephaites against the donkeys as a reason for their victory,the majority believed that the speed of the chariots alongside the long range capabilities of their bows enabled the Sumerians to emerge victorious here.

To see the original battle, weapons and votes, click here.