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Battle vs. Black Knight (Monty Python) (by GSFB)[]

In a deep English Forest, The Black Knight awakes to a terrible stench. Shaking his head and nearly gagging, he puts his armor, helmet and weapons on and goes out of his tent to see where the stench is coming from. Unknown to him, the Powerful Wizard Jareth, in revenge for aiding Sara's victory over him, has sent Sir Didymus and the Bog of eternal stench to the future, the english countryside to be precise. As the Black Knight looks out along the bog, he hears someone yell "Tally-Ho!"

Turning, he sees a Fox in renaissance getup and an eye patch. The Fox darts in front of him, holding a metal mace.

"Halt! Who goes there!" The Fox says.

The Black Knight, trying to remember if this was in the script, perhaps in a part he failed to read due to a Irish Beer Binge the other night during rehersal, clears his throat.

"None shall pass!" The Black Knight says

"None shall pass?" Sir Didymus says, noting tha his own bridge now faces another bridge, where the Black Knight guarded.

"I don't know where you came from, but this here is my bridge, and none may pass without my permission!"

"None shall pass!" The Black Knight said.

"Well, if you think you can muscle your way onto my bridge guarding duties, I am sworn to do my duty!" Sir Didymus said. Before he could raise his mace the Knight raised his hand.

"Over there." He said, trying not to breathe. Sir Didymus looked where the Black Knight was pointing too.

"Why fight over there, pray tell?" Sir Didymus said.

"Can't you bloody smell that?" The Black Knight said.

"I smell nothing." Sr Didymus said.

The Black Knight, shaking his head, goes to the meadow to prepare to fight. Sir Didymus manages to get Ambrosius from his hiding place and mounts him, preparing a charge.

On one side of the Meadow, the Black Knight raises his Longsword. On the Other, Sir Didymus growls and sets Ambosius off. But the hound runs away.

"Ambrosius, where are you going? The Battle's Behind us!"

The Black Knight watches as the pair ride off. Before he can sheath his sword he hears the following:

"I swear if you d not turn around I shall never feed you again!"

The Knight hears a skid, and then sees the Fox-Knight charge. He raises his Lonsword and charges at them. When they collide Sir Didymus blocks the Longsword strike with his mace, spins around, and jumps towards the knight's shins, baging with his mace. Ambrosius catches the sword in the rear but is only barely cut.

"Stop that you little carpet!" he Black Knight says. Suddenly the fox dissappears. As the Knight looks around, he hears "I can conquer this Mountain!". Then Sir Didymus attacks his helmet, banging away with his mace. The Knight, though not hurt, is temporarily dizzied by the attack, the noise within his helmet shocking him. Recovering, he grabs the fox and holds it in front of him, only to have the Fox poke both his eyes out with the small end of his mace. The Knight drops Sir Didymus, blind, blood flowing down his helmet.

"Now that that is dealt with, I must find my loyal steed. Wait-Wow!"

Sir Didymus barely manages to evade a longsword strike.

"What are you doing?" Sir Didymus says.

"I'm slaying you!" The Black Knight says.

"But you can't, you're blind! I poked your eyes out!"

"No you didn't!"

A sword strike misses by a large margin.

"You're bleeding out of your helmet!"

"Tis only a flesh wound."

The Knight swings wildly. Sir Didymus sneaks up and pulls out the Knight's anelace dagger. While the Knight swings away, he suddenly finds his left arm severed, on the ground. As he tries to find his left arm, his right arm drops. He cant see where his enemy is, and then his right leg falls. He hops.

"Come on out and face me you little red rat!" Black Knight says. Then his left leg falls over, and his torso drops.

"Now see there, noble Knight? I have beaten you in strength of arms!"

Sir Didymus says, holding up his mace.

"Now, you can either go back that way, um, somehow, or you can seek my permission to cross my-

The Black Knight raisd his head and in one quick motion, headbutted the fox with his iron helm. Sir Didymus lies on the ground, knocked out cold. Before the Knight can bang his helmet on him again, Ambrosius runs over, bites Sir Didymus' sleeve, and runs ff with him, saving his life.

"Come back here you little maggot! I'll nibble your innards! I'll make you my kibble!" The Black Knight says, limbless yet victorious.

Winner: Black Knight

Meanwhile, behind a bush, two commentators speak.

"Hello I'm Conan O'Brien and this is my co-host Justin beiber for the Mel Brooks Knightly games, sponsored by the sorcerer Jareth. We've just seen the Black Knight defeat yet not kill Sir Didymus, the reigning champion! Justin what do you think?"


"Hey! No singing! We talked about that, remember? Now as I was saying...look, what a surprise, here is Great King Arthur, coming towards us! Perhaps he has some commentary of his own...wait, why is his sword drawn? Oh No-

Suddenly, the heads of Conan O'Brien and Justin Bieber fall to the grass, and King Arthur rides off on, this time, a flesh and blood horse.

Expert's Opinions[]


To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.


The battle was declared unfair for Sir Didymus because of his inability to harm the Black Knight.