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Word mean nothing here. Rather than that... We'll talk with our butts.
— Nozomi Kaminashi

Nozomi Kaminashi is the main protagonist of Keijo!!!!!!!. Having grown up in poverty Nozomi's main goal is to try and make enough money to take her family out of poverty and decided to pursue Keijo as a career due to the riches it could bring to top competitors. Just barely passing the entrance exam for Setouchi Keijo Training School she began her Keijo training eventually gaining a chance to join the Elite Class, which she succeeded in doing by defeating another Elite Class member in a race.

Coming towards the end of her training, Nozomi would take part in the East-West War, a yearly competition between the two rival Keijo training schools which the Suruga Keijo Training School had won every year since it's conception. With the scores tied 1-1 going into the final round Nozomi was left facing the number one ranked Keijo fighter from Suruga, Kaya Sakashiro alone. Using all of her Keijo training and pulling off a fully powered Vacuum Butt Cannon, Nozomi was able to knock Kaya off of the land, giving the Setouchi school their first win in the competition.

Battle vs. Joseph Joestar (by Wassboss)[]

“Ladies and Gentlemen! Normally we’d be bringing you another exciting Keijo Race but today we have something a little bit different. For years people have dismissed this sport as a silly fad and not given it’s players the credit they deserve as elite level athletes and fighters. So, the Keijo Federation has arranged for a Race between one of our up and coming stars of the sport and a real life martial artist. The rules have been modified slightly to allow the usage of all parts of the body but the elimination rules remain exactly the same; whoever falls into the water or touches any part of the Land with anything other than their feet will lose. But enough with the rules it’s time to introduce you to our two competitors today. The first is our Keijo Player, off the back of leading the Setouchi Keijo Training School to their first ever victory in the East-West War. Having mastered the difficult Butt Vacuum Canon technique this girl is sure to go far in the world of Keijo. Please give a warm welcome to Nozomi Kaminashi!”

The crowd start cheering as Nozomi walks out onto the walkway over to the Land. She is dressed in a dark blue full body swimsuit and has her hair tied back in a ponytail with a white ribbon. She waves to the crowd as she walks and just before she reaches the land, she backflips onto it, the crowd responding with even wilder cheering. After the cheering dies down a bit the announcer continues. “Our second competitor is a practitioner of an ancient art known as Hamon, which claims to harness the power of the sun through special breathing techniques. Taking a break for their training to take part in this race please welcome JoJo!”

Joseph struts out onto the walkway, waving his hips side to side seductively. Wearing a purple dress and with his face slathered in makeup he waves and blows kisses to the crowd as he walks, getting a few wolf whistles from the audience. Nozomi analyses the fighter stood before her, making note of his muscular build as he steps onto the Land, still playing to the crowd. Eventually he stops, turning to face Nozomi and flashing a grin as he does. Whatever the outcome, Nozomi can tell this battle is going to be fun if nothing else as she returns the smile.

“And these are you contestants! Now let the race begin!” A timer of the giant viewing screen begins to count down from ten. As it counts down to zero a buzzer goes off and Nozomi immediately makes the first move, rushing towards Joseph. She swings her hips around, winding up for a strike with her butt. Joseph read the move but mistakenly thinks she is going for a kick and is caught off guard as she slams her butt into his side. Nozomi follows up with another butt smack, knocking him further off balance. He manages to right himself in time to avoid another butt attack and Nozomi finds herself facing him. Thinking quickly, she leaps up and whacks him in the face with her boobs. Joseph stumbles backwards, a mixture of the force of the blow and the sheer surprise of the attack. “Did you just hit me with your boobs?” he says confused, rubbing his jaw.

“Yeah. What don’t ya know anything about how Keijo works?” she replies.

“My mentor, Lisa Lisa, was explaining something about this sport but I wasn’t really listening. I was too focused on getting my outfit right.”

“Yeah well I hate to say it but purple really isn’t your colour,” Nozomi says. Swinging on her leg to build momentum she swings her butt around to smash into Joseph. He dodges out of the way but she keeps the momentum from the swing and comes around again, this time connecting and sending Joseph skidding across the Land, much to the glee of the crowd. He almost loses his balance but manages to right himself on a wooden table stood on the edge of the arena. Looking down he smiles as he sees the assortment of objects laid out for him to use. As Nozomi runs towards him ready to attack again he snatches up a bottle of alcohol from the table and takes a deep breath.

“IT’S TEQUILA TIME” he shouts and channels his Hamon through the bottle, launching the cork off at high speed. It pings off Nozomi’s head, interrupting her run and causing her to flail wildly to avoid falling over. Righting herself she ducks under a follow up punch by Joseph but this was merely a faint for a kick to the gut. Gasping Nozomi backs off, clutching at her stomach as she feels a wave of dizziness overcome her. The feeling quickly fades but another punch from Joseph, this one to the side of the face brings the feeling back again, this time even stronger. As the crowd cheers, Joseph senses he can finish the bout quickly and gets ready to send another charge of Hamon through her body.

As he goes in for a downward chop Nozomi looks up at him, a look of determination on her face. She bends her knees and launches herself into the air, flipping over Joseph. Landing behind him she slams into him, trying to knock him off the land. Joseph teeters on the edge of the Land, flailing about trying to get his balance back. Reaching out he grabs Nozomi by her ponytail and uses that to pull himself back from the brink. “Damn it, let go of my hair ya idiot,” Nozomi says angrily. Joseph takes in a deep breath and the Hamon starts crackling through his hands. Noticing this, Nozomi realises that this crackling yellow glow is the cause of her dizziness earlier.

Whipping her head back and forth to try and get him to let go doesn’t seem to do much help and panicking she does the only thing she can think, kicking him as hard as she can in the crotch, eliciting a gasp from the audience. She feels the grip on her hair release instantly and as she rubs her scalp, she sees that Joseph is hunched over, groaning with his hands pressed into his groin. “That’s not fair, you could’ve ended the Joestar lineage right there,” he says.

“Yeah well you shouldn’t have grabbed onto my hair then,” Nozomi retorts.

“Fair point,” Joseph says as the sickly feeling subsides. Rising out of his hunched over stance he watches as Nozomi does several short flips around the arena. Puzzled at her approach, he nevertheless prepares himself for another attack. Nozomi’s butt begins to glow with a shining light as she releases the Vacuum Butt Cannon, to whoops and cheers from the crowd who know exactly what is coming. Joseph just about manages to throw himself out of the way as the shockwave rips through the air next to him, sending ripples through the water as it passes through. As Nozomi prepares to wind up another attack, Joseph produces a pair of playing cards from his sleeve. Infusing them with Hamon he hurls them through the air like daggers. Nozomi ducks under the cards as they come towards her, feeling them skim over her shoulders and narrowly missing.

“Your next line is, Ha you missed me”

“Ha you missed me,” Nozomi says and falters. “Wait, what did you just say?” Joseph merely grins mischievously and Nozomi hears the faint sound of tearing. Look down at her shoulders she sees that the straps of her swimsuit have been cut by the cards. She sheepishly grabs the material to hold it in place, not wanting to expose herself in front of a crowd of people, many of whom are watching intently for exactly that.

“I was never aiming for you; I was aiming for the straps of your swimsuit. Now you’ll have to cover yourself which means you won’t be able to focus all your attention on fighting me,” Joseph explains. He draws yet more cards from his sleeves and throws them as well. Nozomi flips out of the way of them, stopping as she lands to readjust her swimsuit. When she looks back up at Joseph, he has closed the distance and drives a Hamon infused kick into her. She is launched through the air, over the edge of the Land and into the water. A buzzer rings out across the stadium and the viewing screen flashes to show the result.

“Ladies and Gentlemen! Our victor today is JoJo!” the Announcer says. The crowd is a mixture of cheering and booing, depending on who they bet their money on. Nozomi’s head breaks the surface of the water breathing heavily, treading water while she regains her composure. Joseph looks down at Nozomi in the water.

“Maybe my teacher might let me arrange another match with you. It was a pretty good training exercise.”

“And maybe next time it’ll be you sitting in the water with your clothes half ripped off,” Nozomi retorts playfully. Joseph laughs and turns back to the crowd, blowing kisses and basking in his victory.

Winner: Joseph Joestar

Expert's Opinion[]

Joseph won this battle primarily because he was more used to fighting use his entire body, rather than being limited to the buttocks or breasts like Nozomi would’ve been. He also had a range game because of the various objects he had available to him whereas Nozomi was limited to the highly telegraphed Vacuum Butt Canon to do any damage from a distance. Nozomi herself is also fairly hot-headed and impulsive, something which Joseph could exploit to distract her and set up his own strategies.

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here..