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Reckless pft. Reckless my brown bean ass!
— Killer Bean

Killer Bean is a mercenary bean working for the Shadow Agency. He is dispatched to Beantown it appears that his goal is to take down the crime boss Cappuccino but in reality he is after Vagan, a former Shadow Agency mercenary who defected from them and stole their secret database. After several false leads he is captured by Cappuccino but manages to break free, confronting Vagan who warns him that the Shadow Agency has sent him on this mission in the hopes he will die. Killer Bean ignores his warning and kills him only to be instantly deactivated as an agent.

Later after being arrested Killer Bean is confronted by Jet Bean, the Shadow Agency's top assassin and they fight in his cell, with Killer Bean coming out victorious. He then steals a police car full of weapons and goes to confront and eliminate the Shadow Agency.

Battle vs. Maiya Hisau (by Wassboss)[]

Intro []

Maiya looks up at the giant flashing neon sign which sits above the doorway of the Battle Registration and Contesting Bureau. Clutched in her left hand is her salvation, a concisely typed letter explaining that a battle has been found for her. She pushes open the door and walks into the foyer and heads for the reception. There is nobody behind the desk so she rings the bell. After a few moments a man walks out from a side office, his grey hair slicked back and his blue unblinking eyes looking her over. His most notable feature however is the big leather mask strapped across his face, covering his mouth with three metal bars.

“Well what do we have here,” he says his voice eerily calm. Maiya hands over the letter she received and he sits down at the computer. “What is your name?” he asks.

“Maiya Hisau,” she replies. The man types in the name and his eyebrows raise in interest.

“Ah. It says here that you are currently homeless. You must be another one saved by the homeless relief scheme set up by our esteemed Prime Minister, Laquearius,” the man says a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “Although you look to be in quite good shape for someone who has been living in the streets. Is there a friend who has taken pity on you and let you stay with them?” Maiya doesn’t answer, whoever this creep is he doesn’t need to know that Kiritsugu has been letting her crash on his couch for the past two years.

“Not much of a talker, are you?” the man continues, still typing away at the computer. He turns around in his seat and takes several sheets of paper that have come spurting out of the printer, attaching them to a clipboard. “Here is your battle form, it will tell you what weapons you have and what version of you is being used, if applicable,” he says handing over the clipboard to her. “You’re in transporter room C, which is through those double doors there, third door on the right. I would show you there myself but I have some mail to deliver.” He points to a stack of letters on the desk, which Maiya recognises as eviction letters. “Do you have any more questions?”

“Who am I fighting?” she asks flicking through the sheets.

“I can’t divulge that information I’m afraid. I can however tell you that it is a one on one and it is against someone who hasn’t had a battle yet.” Maiya nods and walks off to her battle. The man watches her leave with interest. “Not much meat on her but she looked fairly healthy. I’d enjoy eating her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti,” he says to himself after she is out of earshot. Looking over at the pile of eviction letters a flicker of annoyance passes over his face. “If only Mothman was still working here,” he says sighing.


It’s a wet and stormy night in Fuyuki City and most of the residents are tucked away safely in bed. In the harbours main shipping yard however, there is someone lurking in the shadows. Maiya Hisau is scouting out the area on Kiritsugu’s orders as it could make a good place for battle in the upcoming grail war. She takes careful note of where and how the containers are stacked as well as any cranes, fork trucks and other machinery which could prove useful. In the distance she can hear the sound of a car whizzing past, probably some boy racer by the sound it’s making but she ignores it. Looking through the scope of her Steyr at the large crane looming over the yard, she can see that it would make a good sniping spot although probably only good for one shot before someone noticed the shooter.

The same car noises from before starting up again but this time they are much closer and as she looks over to investigate a car screeches round one of the containers, heading right for her. She throws herself out of the way as the car drifts to a stop, rolling up into a crouch with her Steyr aimed squarely at the driver side door. The car is black with silver chrome wheels, clearly this car is for somebody who wants to show off. As the driver door opens and the occupant steps out, Maiya’s determined look is replaced with that of confusion. Whatever the hell she’s looking at ain’t human, although it is dressed in human clothing. It looks like a giant baked bean with googly eyes and a mouth stuck onto it. The thing, whatever it is, looks at Maiya unimpressed.

“Maiya Hisau right?” Killer Bean says. “You’ve been causing some very powerful people a whole lotta problems. Luckily for them, I happen to be a problem solver.” He reaches for his desert eagles, a move which isn’t lost on Maiya who opens fire. Killer Bean flips onto the roof of his car, pistols in hand and returns fire. Maiya keeps moves away at a circular angle, taking her out of the range of pistols before firing again, forcing Killer Bean to duck down behind his car for cover. He peeks over the top to fire back but at the range he’s at Maiya can easily see the bullets coming and avoid them. She counts down the rounds left in her head and when the last bullet is fired, she drops the Steyr and switches to the Calcio.

Ducking down low she rushes over to the car and slides across the bonnet, spraying bullets down on where Killer Bean was taking cover only to find that he is no longer there. She whips her head around, trying to see where he could’ve run off to when a foot swings out from under the car and takes her off her feet. Killer Bean crawls out from his hiding spot as Maiya scrambles to her feet, Calcio already firing as she rises. He cartwheels around in a circle, narrowly avoiding the spray of bullets before driving a kick into her side. He follows this up by kicking the gun out of her hand and swings around to deliver another kick right to the face.

Maiya blocks it with her left arm and with her right she snatches a knife from her belt, swinging it at Killer Bean. He backs off as she jabs at him with the knife. “That dinky little blade just ain’t going to cut it” he says mockingly but the smirk is soon wiped off his face when she manages to nick the side of his face. Annoyed, he steps forward and grabs her knife arm driving several punches into her stomach with his other hand. She tries to break out of his hold but his grip is strong and he wraps his arms around her, lifting her up over his head and suplexes onto the ground below. Groaning in pain she rolls over onto her front and Killer Bean dusts his hands off.

“They said you were tough, that you were a Magus Hunter, whatever the hell that is. But it turns out you’re just a has-bean.” He levels one of his pistols at her and fires but she twists away at the last moment and it ricochets off the ground. She gets gingerly to her feet and dashes off, Killer Bean firing after her. One of them strikes her in the arm and she stumbles but still manages to escape further into the shipping yard. Killer Bean lowers his pistols and smiles. “Looks like we’ve got a runner” he says sarcastically. He drops the magazine out of one of his pistols and slips in an explosive bullet magazine before following after her.

He listens out for the sound of footsteps and peers into the darkness to see if she’s sneaking up on him but there is no sign of his opponent anywhere. Suddenly a bullet pings off the container behind him and he whirls around pistols aimed but there is nobody there. Another bullet whistles past his head and again he turns towards the source but again there is nothing there. A third bullet again narrowly misses and when he turns this time his gaze raises up, to where Maiya is perched on one of the containers, pistol in hand. He fires back with his regular pistol and she runs diagonally across the container, jumping onto another nearby one before returning fire.

This continues for a few minutes, with neither really being able to hit the other until Killer Bean switches to his explosive rounds. Aiming for the container itself he fires and when the bullet impacts the explosion makes Maiya lose her footing briefly. Another explosion throws her off balance but she quickly recovers, just in time to twist out of the way of a bullet. Seeing he is getting nowhere on the ground; Killer Bean climbs up onto the containers himself. Now that he’s not at having to fire at an upwards angle his shots are more accurate and Maiya is hard pressed to keep up with him as they leap across the containers, especially with her injured arm. Eventually she finds herself trapped, no other containers around and too high up to leap down. Killer Bean advances on her and as she raises her pistol to fire, she hears the dreaded clicking of an empty magazine.

“I’ve bean counting your shots,” he says. “So, I knew you were out of ammo.” He presses his desert eagle into her head. “Any last words lady?” Maiya just looks up at him with venomous anger and responds with a cocky smile. As he pulls the trigger, she reaches out suddenly and grabs his wrist, turning the barrel round as he fires and the bullet punches through his chest and comes out the other side. He gasps and she wrenches the pistol from his grip, firing another two shots into his head, spilling bean juice all over the top of the container. With her opponent dead she inspects the weapon in her hand, admiring the intricate design. Picking up one of the spent cartridges she sees there is something carved into it.

“Killer Bean?” she says puzzled. “Is that who this was?” Shrugging to herself she grips her injured arm and begins the long and slow process of getting down from the containers, having beaten probably the weirdest warrior she’ll ever have to face.

Winner: Maiya Hisau

Expert's Opinion[]

I thought it might be closer than a 6-0 win for Maiya but alas that was not to be. Killer Bean ultimately lost because he’s an absolute lunatic who stops to make wisecracks in the middle of a fight and flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. Maiya was much more calm, collected and cool-headed and this allowed her to come out on top over a more reckless opponent.

To see the original battle, weapons and votes, click here.