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| “ | Well, have at it, universe. I'm Jack Horner! King of all Fables! I can take anything you care to dump on me and return it with compound interest!
— Jack Horner
|
” |
Jack Horner, also known as the Jack of the Tales or popularly as the legendary Jack of Fables, is a major character in the Fables comic book series and a minor character in The Wolf Among Us video game adaptation. In the world of Fables, characters from various fairy tales, nursery rhymes, and folklore stories (known as Fables) have migrated to the real world (aka the "Mundane" world) in order to escape a conqueror known only as the Adversary. As one of these Fable refugees, Horner is based around various nursery rhymes, fairy tale, and foklore characters named Jack, such as Little Jack Horner, Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack and Jill, Jack Be Nimble, Jack Frost, Jack O'Lantern, and Jack the Giant Killer and others
As a con artist, he is always looking for quick ways to make a buck. However, Jack also displays a complete disregard for human life or the feelings of those around him, traits most often seen in those with sociopathy. Despite his scheming and reckless personality, he is a devoted foe of the Adversary and a capable combatant in his own right, due to his years of experience fighting giants. He can also have true feelings for others (he asks Beast about Snow White and her cubs, he mourns his wife's death and he considered putting his own safety at risk to protect Gary when the Librarians had captured them and were having a car accident). The common thread is how Jack honestly believes he is the most important person around and only his needs and desires matter.
Battle vs. John Constantine (Comics) (by Manofgod)[]
It was a cold windy night in the Western side of New Jersey. Its various citizens were asleep and no cars can be seen driving around. But in one small street in the apartments district on each of its opposite sides, stood two blonde handsome looking men. One was wearing a trenchcoat and smoking cigar while the other wore a white t-shirt and denim vest. It was the infamous magician John Constantine and the Fable rogue Jack Horner.
"So.. this is it huh?" John said to Jack. "Ready to get your arse kick, you sack of shit."
"Whatever man," Jack said. "I dunno how much Fabletown or the Golden Boughs paid you. But you ain't laying a finger on me."
Both men sized each other up. Being smart people, they've made their own homework of each's identity and background. Both John and Jack knew how dangerous their opponents were and have made the appropriate preparations for this battle.
John Constantine made the first move. "Here mate, catch!" he said before throwing his trencho coat at Horner. The trench coat suddenly became alive and wrapped itself tightly around Jack Horner, gripping and suffocating him violently. John then made an incantation and a magic circle appear on Jack Horner's feet. "Fiat bloody LUX!" John said before Jack Horner got engulfed in an explosion.
But before John can celebrate, his trench coat returns to him, and out came Jack Horner, smoking but still alive. "Hah! Is that all you got you limey," Jack said. "My turn."
Without any delay Jack rushed towards John and tackled him to a wall. He then started pummeling John in the ribs, sending powerful hooks with his superhuman strength. John violently coughs up some blood, befor summoning a swarm of crows to push Jack away. With his hands on his broken ribs, John opened a bottle which summoned a djinn. "Eat him," John said.
The djinn summoned several dark shadowy tendrils which attacked Jack. One tendril grabbed Jack in his leg and started smashing him in the street. It smashed him on the asphalt road, on a car and a lamp post. "Dammit, get off!" Jack said before grabbing his cavalry sword and slicing the tendril off. He then drew his revolver and fired at the djinn but the bullets just bounced off of it. The djinn sent out another tendril which pierced Jack's shoulder. Yelling in pain, Horner grabbed a lamp post using his superhuman strength and strike at the djinn, which sent it flying over an apartment building.
Jack then used his reality warping power to summon the Literal Gary, the Pathetic Fallacy. "Anything I can do for ya? Jack?" Gary said. "You look hurt, who did this to you! Imma give him a piece of my mind!"
"More like give him a piece of your power," Jack said. "Use your powers to get rid of that building, and anything and anyone inside of it!"
With a wink, Gary turned the building into a living monster which smashed itself into bits. The djinn trapped inside was badly damaged as well, putting it out of action. Jack then ordered the building monster to attack John Constantine.
"Oh no you don't," John said. And with his hands, he summoned a magic circle which trapped both the building monster and Gary the Pathetic Fallacy into it, sealing them both for good.
"Gary! Nooooo!" Jack said before running towards John and slashing him with his cavalry saber. John managed to dodge and grabbed his magical knife. He parried a thrust and an overhand strike from Horner, but the latter kicked him in the stomach that put him on the ground. With two hands, Jack slashes at John, ready to decapitate him, but John suddenly disappears. Jack couldn't believe his eyes that he fell for an illusion.
"Funny that a wanker like you was too dumb to see that," John said. "Unfortunately I've grew bored with this shite we've doing. I think its time I get rid of you now."
With his hands clenched, John summons a portal which sucks Jack Horner in. It sent him... straight to Hell!
Sighing in relief, John started walking away saying, "Think Imma get me some cuppa. Bollocks, was that a big waste of me bloody time."
But before he can go far, another portal suddenly opened fro the ground and out came Jack, now in the form of a larged winged dragon, together with a legion of demons, ghouls and monsters. John Constantine was visible and utterly surprised.
"Putting me to Hell was a bad idea you fucking buffoon," Jack said. "I've gotten out of many Hells already and this one's no different. But it seems, Conjob, that you have alot of friends there as well. I've made a deal with them that if they let me out, I'll help them take you down."
John backed off for a minute as several minions of Hell, with eagerness and hunger in their eyes, slowly crept towards him. John regained his exposure and yelled at the demons, "You fuckin' idiots! Ain't you all smartarses and geniuses. You think siding with that creep was a good idea? Go on! Come at me then! But fully know that if you kill me before anyone else, both God and Satan are going to rip you all to shreds. You know my reputation! You know what kind of deals I've made with other big named wankers..."
And with that warning, all the demons fled back to the portal in fear. "Damn," Jack said. "That's one hell of a badass boast. But I guess the only person I can rely on is myself."
In his dragon form, Jack charges at John, spewing fire at the British magician. John summoned a protective spell to block out the fire. The two were evenly match, and John knew that in order to win, he now had to pull out the remaining tricks up in his sleeve. He puts a powerful curse, the same one he used on the Empathy Demon, on Jack. But the curse it seems managed to put Jack back on his current form. Both were tired and bruised, but Jack wasn't yet ready to give up.
"You think this is over you punk! You've put me into a homicidal mood right now!"
'Wait," John said. And then out of nowhere a woman's voice called upon Jack Horner. The blonde Fable recognized that voice, someone he used to know from Fabletown. "Jack? Is that you? Its me. Its Rose Red."
"Rose?! What, why?"
"I heard you were here so I came by. Oh why is it that wherever you go, trouble always followed you?"
Jack eyes widened as he could not believe what was happening. " Why do you care anyways! Go away I am busy!" Jack yelled.
"But Jack... listen to me," Rose Red said. "I came here to tell you... that I still love you. Please come back to me."
Jack was left speechless by this. John Constantine then approached Jack and whispers in his ear. "Actually she doesn't. This morning I called her on the phone and I just played with her mind is all to make her fall in love with you again. I went inside her head and ripped every bad memory she had on you, and mind controlled her to get in here. It didn't take long before she eventually falls in love with you again."
"What are you playing here, you creep," Jack said obviously disgusted.
John then looked him in the eye and said. "Listen, I just want to get rid of you. I don't want to kill you or anything like that, and I seriously didn't want to bloody myself as well. I'm giving you the chance now. Spare me legs mate, and you can walk off with her. You don't have to worry about anythin' cause the spell I used on her lasts forever."
Jack stared at him with doubt and eyebrows raised. After thinking about it for several seconds, a grin slowly appeared on Jack's face. "Well played, asshole," he said. Before grabbing some new clothes from a smashed thrift shop and walking away with Rose Red. John tired and with aching legs and ribs, rested his butt on the sidewalk for awhile and lights a new Silk Cut.
Expert's Opinion[]
John and Jack were both smart and carried an arsenal of very useful magic. While John was smarter and had better plans, Jack was deemed to be more durable, resilient and physically superior. In the end, both had equal strengths and weaknesses that the battle ended up in a tie.
To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.
Battle vs. Blue Fairy (Once Upon a Time) (by Elgb333)[]
The Adventures of Jack and the Blue Fairy in the Convent
(A Fairy Tale for Kids)
by: Hans Allan Christian Poe
Once upon a time in a far away city, lies a cute little convent shining with beauty.
Equally beautiful was its owner Ms. Blue, the legendary fairy of many stories.
She sat on her desk, working documents in her PC.
Until the screams of her nuns made her run out in a hurry.
What she saw made her cringe, for it was disturbing and creepy.
Right in their garden, laying in hamock drunk and sleepy,
A naked blonde man was there, holding a bottle of sherry.
It was the dirtbag Jack Horner, here to cause trouble may he be.
“Swine, who’re you and what’re you doing here?!” she asked with authority.
He only smirked saying, “Lady you don’t wanna know. Shit was crazy.”
The blonde man further explained, saying he was with whores in a party,
They were roleplaying as nuns he said, and ended in a real place of holy.
Scumbag he was though, Jack did say he was sorry.
But as he got dressed, and ready to leave peacefully,
Blue grabbed her wand, not wanting him yet to flee.
She says this place is secret, and must be erased from his memory.
But Jack only told her to piss off, he ain’t having any sorcery,
So Blue had no choice, and she sent forth a ball of energy.
Jack dropped to the ground, drew his pistol and was very angry,
As bullets flew, Blue dipped and turned herself tiny.
As Jack shoots and Blue swerves away,
The Fable grabbed his sword and swung with rage.
But Blue turned herself invisible much to Jack’s dismay,
And then suddenly Jack was struck, with Blue’s magic paralysis.
“I can’t move you bitch, let me go!” he said.
Blue just laughs, “That’s what assholes get, for troubles you’ve made.”
Jack thought fast and with his powers, bended reality.
As Blue laughed, bags of gold fell on her, making her head painfully achey.
Jack was let go, and charged at Blue while she’s dizzy,
Blue tried to block his sword with an axe, but she failed miserably.
She got a direct slash at her shoulder, drawing blood painfully,
So she conjured another spell which made Jack age rapidly.
“Dammit what is this now! You crazy hag!”
“Hush now old man, no need to be grumpy xD”
But old Jack just punched Blue in the jaw squarely,
And Jack was struck away by a spell courtesy of the fairy.
The old Jack got up, but something strange was happening,
The bags of gold coin he summoned, was changing him drastically.
He summoned more gold coins to make the process more hasty,
And as Blue watched in horror, a giant dragon appeared that was so scary.
The dragon breathed fire and tried to roast Blue crispily,
Blue flew in high speeds, dodging it frantically.
The dragon continued to attack with his claws and giant teeth,
But Blue had the perfect spell to stop the dragon in its feet.
Using her spells, Blue changed him back to a human being.
Surprised was Jack, of Blue’s powers of transforming,
Turning a dragon back for her is just so easy,
For she can turn a puppet to a real boy in just a jiffy.
But Blue wasn’t finish, and she summoned Hrunting,
A wild swing from her, lopped Jack’s temple very cleanly.
Jack tried to fight back with his own saber from the army,
And using his super strength, disarmed and shoved Blue featly.
Jack summoned something again, and a burlap sack came magically.
But before he can use it, Blue saw the weapon and retaliated swiftly.
Teleporting his weapon away, making Jack curse with such vulgarity.
Both were having enough, and just want to deal with it quickly.
Jack again summons something, his friend Gary the Pathetic Fallacy.
“Eya Jack! What can I do for ya, my old buddy?”
“Gary hurry dammit, I'm getting fucked by this lady!”
And then the whole convent turned into a monster, to get them out of this jammy.
The monster charged into a shocked Blue, who was staring awkardly,
But the fairy managed to erect a forcefield split-lickety.
But more monsters came out and were charging forcefully,
She couldn’t hold much longer, and alas they destroyed her smashingly.
Moral of this story kids: Never pick a fight with peers of higher authority.
For we have powers that would crush you like a… well a small fairy.
Thanks for voting for me, Jack, you lonely weebs I pity,
Don’t you fucking mess with me, for I will rip you without fucking mercy.
Expert's Opinion[]
Experts believed that while the Blue Fairy had the tools and magic needed to take Jack out of the battle, the Fable's magic was just too much for her. It also doesn't help that her weaknesses are far more damaging than Jack's own weaknesses.
To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.
Battle vs. Orlando (by Jon memeing)[]
In a cafe somewhere in Paris, France, sat the immortal Orlando, indulging himself in sugar-glazed toasts which he dipped in warm cappuccino. The morning was new, and the fresh cool breeze mixed well with healthy sunlight, gave a relaxing sensation on the skin.
Unfortunately, the peaceful morning would be disturbed when a smug joined Orlando in his meal. The appearance of the man greatly contrasted that of Orlando’s. The messy long blonde ponytail? Trash compared to Orlando’s sleek black hair. That horrible white shirt and blue jeans? Rubbish in contrast to Orlando’s black dinner jacket and tie.
Yet, the man did not care. Not even a bit. He was there for business, one which Orlando had anticipated.
“You must be that Roland dude?” the man hastily greeted.
“And you are Jack Horner, I see?” politely answered Roland as he sipped his coffee.
The man then laid down on the table a plastic bag filled with beans of golden color. “I got what you are asking, pal,” Jack continued. “Real magical beans from the one and only, Jack himself.”
“This is the real thing?” asked Orlando.
“Of course it is! There’s nothing else in existence. Take a look at my yelp reviews. I got nothing but 5-stars to every customer I get. 100%!”
“Splendid,” Orlando said before placing his cup on the table gently. “But actually, it’s not your fake beans that I came her for.”
The immortal Orlando suddenly drew his Excalibur and sliced Jack in the chest. The man then fell down as blood spurted out of his opened arteries. “No hard feelings,” bantered Orlando as he got up from his chair. “The sorcerer Prospero sent me to kill or capture you. It’s too dangerous to leave other immortals running about. So if you would be kind enough to just-“
But before Orlando could finish, a kick from Jack hit him in the groin, making him stumble back to the table. Jack then got up and attempted to flee, yelling, “Why is it hard for people like me to make a living? All you have to do was to give me money and that’s it!”
Orlando stood and dashed towards Jack in blinding speed. Another slash hit Jack in the back, almost severing his spine. “You really have a messed up head, just as your reputation says.”
“Oh fuck off!” Jack replied. “The universe just can’t leave me alone. If it ain’t fables or literals coming after me, then its assassins in tweed suits.”
Quickly, Jack grabbed his colt revolver and emptied its magazine on Orlando. The latter took shots to the face, chest, and abdomen, and although still alive, staggered from the pain of getting shot. Jack took this chance to retreat towards the streets. He then broke a car’s window, unlocked it and went inside, before desperately trying to hotwire the vehicle.
Orlando got up, pissed off that his suit now had bullet holes in it. Seeing Jack inside a car, Orlando jumped up and landed on top of it, stabbing his excalibur on the roof. After prying the roof open, to his surprise, Jack was nowhere to be seen.
He then heard a laugh from behind him. Jack had apparently slipped away from the car, and now looked at Orlando with sinister eyes.
“Checkmate, dumbass,” Jack said after putting one bullet into his revolver, and firing it at the car’s gas tank.
The car exploded in a mighty inferno, sending Orlando into the air and into another city block. His body was then hit by a truck before crashing into a clothing store.
Jack smirked and whistled away into the traffic.
Expert's Opinion[]
While Orlando had better weapons, Jack won because of having stronger immortality, better magical powers, and superior intelligence.
To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.
Battle vs. "Big" Jack Horner (by Jon memeing)[]
It was a glorious night in New York City. The Horner Baking Company was preparing to open a branch in this whole new world. They were pretty excited too -- who knew what many amazing magic and discoveries were up for grabs here. It was a city ripe for conquest. It was a city right for the Horner Baking Company.
But this was New York, of course. The people here wouldn't take too kindly to some foreign gangster wanting to take a bite of the Big Apple. Not the mundies, and certainly not the magical beings who had made a life here. Most especially one bastard of the same name.
A member of Big Jack's Dozen was flung out of a window of the new bakery. Another one tried to attack the attacker with a rolling pin, but he too took a sock at the jaw, throwing him against a wall. This little army of bakers were the thugs of the Horner Baking Company, and they were tasked to protect this local branch. Now, their mettle was tested. The rest of the Dozen stood their ground with their cartoony firearms and weapons against this intruder. He was Jack Horner, the fable.
"Where's that fat load of ass who's using my name?!" he screamed at the bakers. But the latter replied only with a barrage from their weapons, followed by an all out charge. Jack's durability tanked whatever funny cake-like projectile they launched at him. Before they could get close, however, Jack took out two tommy guns and began pumping lead. Many of the Dozen fell from those large magical .45 slugs that penetrated their bodies. The rest retreated into a door.
As Jack reloaded his machine guns, the wall of the door suddenly blasted open, and out came a big tank. Surprised, a terrified Jack Horner ran to the opposite direction as the tank gave chase and fired its weapon. As explosions rocked Jack all around, Jack yelled, "Gary! Buddy! Where are you?!"
"Jack!" Gary, Jack's little middle-aged but godlike best friend, replied. "I'm right here!"
"There's a tank! Do something!"
"But I'm scared!"
"Just do it!"
Gary then unleashed his power, and the tank rose into life. It then made a roar, before flinging away the bakers riding it, and detonating itself. Debris fell as Jack and Gary landed on their butts. The bakery was destroyed, but the two had survived.
Not for long, however, as Gary took a unicorn horn on his butt, making him explode into confetti before he could even utter a scream. "Gary!!!!" Jack yelled.
Big Jack finally appeared, gliding onto the ground using an umbrella. He had rage flowing all over his face. "My bakery! What have you done with it, you miscreant!" he shouted.
"I renovated it," bantered Jack. "Thought of making it look as ugly as your face."
Big Jack then began firing his crossbow while screaming. Jack managed to roll out of the way and pull out his colt revolver. Unicorn horns flew everywhere, turning everything they touched into colorful confetti. But Jack, with a couple of shots, managed to disarm Big Jack's crossbow. Undeterred, Big Jack grabbed an exploding apple and threw it at Jack. The fable managed to kick out of the way while yelling, "Goal!!", before charging again at Big Jack. Suddenly, Big Jack took out a large sword on a stone, and hit Jack with it, sending him flying and making Big Jack yell, "Fore!!!"
As Jack stood up and shook the pain away, he saw Big Jack with a large red bird on his hands. The bird then spewed flames onto the fable. With quick thinking, Jack summoned his burlap sack, sucking away the flames, the bird, and Big Jack too. Big Jack managed to take out his trident and stabbed it to the ground as he began to be sucked. All sorts of items began to be sucked away from Big Jack, including his weapons, items, and of course, riches. Jack saw gold literally fly away from Big Jack's pockets and that got his attention.
"Wait! Wait!" Big Jack yelled. "Let's talk about this! You want gold! I have gold!"
Jack then closed his sack, and with a smile, said, "What do you have for me, fatso?"
Big Jack dusted himself off and took out a hand made out of gold, incased in a glass bowl. "This..." Big Jack said as he threw it at Fables Jack. The fable then saw the hand, but knowing better, dodged it before it touched him. The hand landed on the ground, which began turning it into gold. A whole landscape began turning into solid gold, which the fable really liked. "Oh hell, yeah!" he said as his eyes glittered.
Unbeknownst to him, Big Jack ate a cake, which began making him really really big. With an evil laugh, the now gigantic Big Jack raised his foot and stomped it at the fable. The giant celebrated with a laugh as he walked away. All around him, the world was beginning to turn into gold. But Big Jack didn't care. This accursed city could go to hell.
But suddenly, flames roasted his back. As he turned around, he saw a giant dragon in the sky. It was the fable. "That wasn't nice!" Jack screamed.
Panicking, Big Jack grabbed a huge gold bus and threw it at the sky, but Jack easily dodged it. The dragon then swooped in with its jaws open. It then took a bite at Big Jack's head, ripping it off. He then spat it out and flew away.
Expert's Opinion[]
Fables Jack won because he had better superpowers, experience, and intellect. Big Jack may have the tools to take down Fables Jack, but he simply lacks the counters against the fable's overwhelming advantage in combat.