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I don't have a side. I'm on the edge and edges don't have sides.
— Jack Cloth

Jack Cloth was a former detective inspector who quit his job after his wife was murdered in an abandoned prop warehouse. He is called back to investigate a new killing and is assigned a new partner; DC Anne Oldman. After a second murder in the space of a few days Jack realises that the victims both served on the jury of an old murder case and that the killer had been released a few days before the first murder. As the former jurors are sent to a safe house Jack and the team set out to catch the newly released murderer and prime suspect but find that he has been dead for well over a week and realise that the killer is in fact a member of the police force itself and knows exactly where the jurors are being held.

They rush to the safe house but find the jurors have all been killed, deaths that could have been preventable if they had not stopped for Nandos on the way there. After some more investigation Jack realises that the killer is none other than the Chief Constable, Tom Boss who is targeting the jurors because they laughed at him while he was delivering evidence. Jack confronts him at the hospital where the last remaining juror is being treated and after a lengthy chase confronts him at the top of a construction site. It is here that Tom Boss reveals that it was he who killed Jack's wife, to prevent him from getting promotion ahead of him. He then shoots Jack and jumps from the building but Jack is saved by the electric razor he put in his pocket earlier.

Battle vs. Nicholas Angel (by Wassboss)[]

Detective Jack Cloth sits at his desk at the police station twirling his pen around in his hand. He feels a presence behinds him and turns to see the Chief Constable stood behind him. "Boss"

"That's Chief Constable Tom Boss to you Cloth" he replies angrily. "What are you playing at, shouldn't you be out there solving crimes"

"Not till the next movie"

"Well until then I have a special assignment for you"

"Oh yeah and what makes you think I'm going to be doing any special assignments for you"

"Because if you don't you'll be finished Cloth. What the Finnish call Finito!. I've received orders from above-"

"God doesn't have any jurisdiction over me"

"No you idiot I mean the Chief Inspector from London. Apparently they've been having trouble with a rouge agent of theirs, a certain Nicholas Angel. I want you to go and arrest him."

"Why me"

"Because you're a liability Cloth and if you fail it'll be one less problem for me to worry about. I want Angel's arrest papers on my table tommorow."

"But Sir"

"Table, Cloth!" And with that Tom Boss turns on his heels and strides away. Cloth sighs.

"Well looks like I don't have much choice. You!" he says suddenly pointing at one of the policemen. "Get me a scene transition stat".

Later that Day

Nicholas Angel sits at a table in the Crown, reading from the Sandford Citizen and periodically taking a sip from a pint of lager. It's three in the afternoon and the pub is empty apart from the policeman. So engrossed in his reading, Angel doesn't notice as a man enters the pub and meanders over to the table and sits down opposite him. He looks up eventually to see a middle aged but weary looking man. "Can I help you sir" he asks putting down the paper.

"Yeah are you Nicholas Angel?" the man asks.

"That's me"

The man pulls out a police badge. "Detective Jack Cloth. And your under arrest." Angel raises his eyebrow in surprise.

"I'm sorry what. You're here to arrest me? On what charges"

"I can't tell you"

"You can't just arrest someone for no reason."

"I'm not. It's not my reason anyway. This is an order from London."

"London?" Angel says as it clicks in his mind. "I know what this is about, they want me back there because of the crime rates soaring."

"Then you'll come with me"

Nicholas has an idea suddenly. "Can I finish my drink first at least."

"I guess so" Jack shrugs. Nicholas lifts his drink as if to take a sip before flicking the glass at Jack. He cries out as the liquid hits him in the eyes and he frantically rubs the alcohol out with his jacket sleeve. Angel jumps up and darts out to his car where his firearms are. He grabs a shotgun out of the boot and runs round to the side of the car to grab his pistols from the car seat. Just as he does Jack bursts out of the pub brandishing his shotgun. He fires off several shots which force Angel to duck behind the bonnet of his car. He returns fire with his pistols and which makes Jack duck behind into the pub. He breaks a hole in the window and continues to fire back with his shotgun until he runs out of ammo. He stops to reload and this gives Nicholas the chance to rush over to the pub door. He presses himself against the inner door and waits for the sound of reloading to finish. He counts down to three in his head, judging for the time when Jack is realising he's no longer behind the car.

Sensing the moment is right Angel takes a deep breath and leaps out from behind the door. Time slows down as he gets sight of his opponent who is still looking out of the window. He fires off his pistols one after another, peppering the areas with bullets as Cloth turns in surprise. Time suddenly speeds back up again and he lands, hard, and grunts in pain as he slides into the bar and one of his pistols rockets out of his hand and spins away. He looks at his handiwork but is dismayed to find that he's missed every shot and Cloth is standing looking unimpressed. "You daft bastard" he says and takes aim with his shotgun but Angel is already scrambling away. He tips one of the tables over and takes cover behind it as a shotgun shell blasts a hole in the top. He fires back with his pistol and Jack looks around for a table to use as cover but seeing nothing he instead runs towards the gunfire and out of the pub door. Angel pumps out his rounds until he hears the click of an empty magazine. Cursing he discards the pistol and takes out his shotgun, rushing out of the pub door to find Jack running back to his own car.

Angel runs after him but Jack has too much of a head start and jumps into the drivers seat, turning the keys in the ignition. The car jumps forward as he releases the clutch and Angel stops in his tracks and runs back the way he came. Running past the pub he carries on towards the shops with Jack in hot pursuit. Several times the car almost catches up to him but Angel just about manages to twist out of the way and dart in the opposite direction. Getting nowhere Jack takes out his Glock and fires wildly at Nicholas as he flees. He succeeds in hitting him in the shoulder which is enough to knock him off balance and lean against and into a wall. Jack guns the accelerator and heads right for him, hoping to squash him with his car but at the last minute he jumps out of the way and Jack hits the wall full force. The airbag blows up in his face and he forces his way out of the car stumbling as he regains his bearings. He spots Angel on the floor a few metres away, dragging himself towards his shotgun which was thrown out of his hands during his jump. Jack tries to shoot him but the dizziness fogs his mind and the bullets go wildly askew. He takes a moment to regain his bearings and this gives Angel the chance to snatch the shotgun and fire off a shot quickly.

Jack flinches but he doesn't feel any pellets hit him and laughs in surprise. He quickly shoots the shotgun out of Nicholas' hand. "You missed," he says breathily.

"I didn't miss."

"What are you on about you didn't even scratch me."

"Who said I was aiming for you?" Jack frowns. He looks around confused and his eyes slowly drift up, noticing for the first time the plant pot hanging off the wall. Before he can react the chain holding it snaps and it comes crashing down and strikes him square in the face. Cloth drops down and his head cracks off the pavement, knocking him unconscious. Angel gets gingerly to his feet and surveys the carnage around him.

"You said your name was Cloth?" Nicholas says, pulls his sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on in one fluid movement.

"Then why don't you clean up after yourself."

Winner: Nicholas Angel

Expert's Opinion[]

Nicholas Angel won this battle of the parody police because of his superior training and experience being a frontline policemen as opposed to a detective like Cloth. One voter put it best when they said that Angel was from a parody of action movies whereas Jack was from a parody of a detective story which meant Angel had a more impressive skillset and set of achievements behind him. 

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.

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