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| “ | Little Jack Horner didn't have any magic. He was a pathetic, buttered baker's boy. Little Jack's dead. I'm Big Jack Horner!
— "Big" Jack Horner
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” |
"Big" Jack Horner, once a nursery rhyme character known as Little Jack Horner from the Shrek universe, is the owner of the Jack Horner Pie Company that he uses as a front for his business as a Crime Lord. He is an extremely wealthy individual that wants nothing more than to obtain as much magic as he possibly can. This leads him to seek the Wishing Star so that he can gain control of all the magic in the world, because people were more interested in a magic dancing puppet than they were in him. But really, Jack has no tragic backstory and is just an irredeemable monster.
He planned to reach the Wishing Star in order to enact his wish to harness all magic on the planet, racing with Puss in Boots, Kitty Softpaws, and Goldilocks for the wish. He cared nothing for the lives of others, even those of his own subordinates, whom he views as disposable cannon fodder in his quest for power. Even more vile is that he has no appreciation for the good things in his life. He claimed to have not much as a boy other than "loving parents, stability, a mansion, and a thriving baked goods enterprise for him to inherit", even calling them "useless crap".
Battle vs. Jack Horner (by Jon memeing)[]
It was a glorious night in New York City. The Horner Baking Company was preparing to open a branch in this whole new world. They were pretty excited too -- who knew what many amazing magic and discoveries were up for grabs here. It was a city ripe for conquest. It was a city right for the Horner Baking Company.
But this was New York, of course. The people here wouldn't take too kindly to some foreign gangster wanting to take a bite of the Big Apple. Not the mundies, and certainly not the magical beings who had made a life here. Most especially one bastard of the same name.
A member of Big Jack's Dozen was flung out of a window of the new bakery. Another one tried to attack the attacker with a rolling pin, but he too took a sock at the jaw, throwing him against a wall. This little army of bakers were the thugs of the Horner Baking Company, and they were tasked to protect this local branch. Now, their mettle was tested. The rest of the Dozen stood their ground with their cartoony firearms and weapons against this intruder. He was Jack Horner, the fable.
"Where's that fat load of ass who's using my name?!" he screamed at the bakers. But the latter replied only with a barrage from their weapons, followed by an all out charge. Jack's durability tanked whatever funny cake-like projectile they launched at him. Before they could get close, however, Jack took out two tommy guns and began pumping lead. Many of the Dozen fell from those large magical .45 slugs that penetrated their bodies. The rest retreated into a door.
As Jack reloaded his machine guns, the wall of the door suddenly blasted open, and out came a big tank. Surprised, a terrified Jack Horner ran to the opposite direction as the tank gave chase and fired its weapon. As explosions rocked Jack all around, Jack yelled, "Gary! Buddy! Where are you?!"
"Jack!" Gary, Jack's little middle-aged but godlike best friend, replied. "I'm right here!"
"There's a tank! Do something!"
"But I'm scared!"
"Just do it!"
Gary then unleashed his power, and the tank rose into life. It then made a roar, before flinging away the bakers riding it, and detonating itself. Debris fell as Jack and Gary landed on their butts. The bakery was destroyed, but the two had survived.
Not for long, however, as Gary took a unicorn horn on his butt, making him explode into confetti before he could even utter a scream. "Gary!!!!" Jack yelled.
Big Jack finally appeared, gliding onto the ground using an umbrella. He had rage flowing all over his face. "My bakery! What have you done with it, you miscreant!" he shouted.
"I renovated it," bantered Jack. "Thought of making it look as ugly as your face."
Big Jack then began firing his crossbow while screaming. Jack managed to roll out of the way and pull out his colt revolver. Unicorn horns flew everywhere, turning everything they touched into colorful confetti. But Jack, with a couple of shots, managed to disarm Big Jack's crossbow. Undeterred, Big Jack grabbed an exploding apple and threw it at Jack. The fable managed to kick out of the way while yelling, "Goal!!", before charging again at Big Jack. Suddenly, Big Jack took out a large sword on a stone, and hit Jack with it, sending him flying and making Big Jack yell, "Fore!!!"
As Jack stood up and shook the pain away, he saw Big Jack with a large red bird on his hands. The bird then spewed flames onto the fable. With quick thinking, Jack summoned his burlap sack, sucking away the flames, the bird, and Big Jack too. Big Jack managed to take out his trident and stabbed it to the ground as he began to be sucked. All sorts of items began to be sucked away from Big Jack, including his weapons, items, and of course, riches. Jack saw gold literally fly away from Big Jack's pockets and that got his attention.
"Wait! Wait!" Big Jack yelled. "Let's talk about this! You want gold! I have gold!"
Jack then closed his sack, and with a smile, said, "What do you have for me, fatso?"
Big Jack dusted himself off and took out a hand made out of gold, incased in a glass bowl. "This..." Big Jack said as he threw it at Fables Jack. The fable then saw the hand, but knowing better, dodged it before it touched him. The hand landed on the ground, which began turning it into gold. A whole landscape began turning into solid gold, which the fable really liked. "Oh hell, yeah!" he said as his eyes glittered.
Unbeknownst to him, Big Jack ate a cake, which began making him really really big. With an evil laugh, the now gigantic Big Jack raised his foot and stomped it at the fable. The giant celebrated with a laugh as he walked away. All around him, the world was beginning to turn into gold. But Big Jack didn't care. This accursed city could go to hell.
But suddenly, flames roasted his back. As he turned around, he saw a giant dragon in the sky. It was the fable. "That wasn't nice!" Jack screamed.
Panicking, Big Jack grabbed a huge gold bus and threw it at the sky, but Jack easily dodged it. The dragon then swooped in with its jaws open. It then took a bite at Big Jack's head, ripping it off. He then spat it out and flew away.
Expert's Opinion[]
Fables Jack won because he had better superpowers, experience, and intellect. Big Jack may have the tools to take down Fables Jack, but he simply lacks the counters against the fable's overwhelming advantage in combat.