Capone's Speakeasy Hosts

"Pep talk: Boys, we went up against impossible odds. We killed an Italian, several Italians, survived a supernatural spider attack. Okay, yeah, they made that Irish guy, they birthed him out of the occult. But whose to say, like maybe 40 years from now, we don't find ourselves on a grassy knoll finishing the job?"

- Felix Cumtree

Brought together largely out of distaste for the rest of society, the Capone's Speakeasy Hosts are the hosts of one of America's most popular radio shows, Capone's Speakeasy, where the trio and a variety of guests advocate for race science, ending women's suffrage, and that Robert "Fightin' Bob" La Follette would have won the 1924 Presidential Election, while also investigating strange conspiracies and supernatural sightings on the side. One night, the boys receive a message from their political enemy (and NeverCollidge Conservative) the Baseball Rube, who warns of an Italian Catholic plot to capture the US presidency, with the conspiracy's base of operations apparently a local eatery called "Comet Pizzeria", located on property owned by Jewish writer David Brook, the mysterious Haitian Foundation, and landowner Fredrick Drumpf. Horrified at the concept of an Italian takeover, the hosts take the first train to Washington DC.

Upon their arrival, the trio split up to investigate the pizzeria, with Felix checking the trash while William and Matthew look at the surreal art around the establishment. While Felix finds nothing, the two doctors fall under the sway of the delicious pizza, and all three are invited back to a special feast that night. Returning that night, Will and Matt take advantage of the host's fascination with Felix to investigate the kitchen, where they see the chefs inserting a mysterious substance into a "meat lovers" pizza. Demanding to know if it's laduanum, the two burst in, leading to a vicious fight in which they, with Felix's help, manage to win.

With the staff neutralized, the trio head into the basement, which supposedly didn't exist, to find a variety of strange substances and a painting of the Pope. Behind the painting, they find a secret door, leading to a labratory where a strange, white-robed man is chanting ominously to a statue of Benito Mussolini. Even after being shot and stabbed in the throat, the man continues to chant, which a fascinated Will continues the chant and realizes the power of the cult, which worships the being Azazoth. Driven briefly mad, Will focuses his phrenology skills on Felix while Matt discovers chemist Albert Hoffman hiding in the lab. Under duress, Hoffman claims the substance to be thymarasol, a substance put into vaccines to control the populace, but Matt realizes that the true substance is flouride, which is also being used to control the masses. The trio reluctantly lets Hoffman go, concluding his future discoveries could be important.

Retreating to the Watergate hotel, the detectives patch up their wounds and prepare for an upcoming art show at the Federal Reserve, where the woman who created Comet Pizzeria's art will be in attendance. Confirming from a local fan that the substance is indeed flouride, they then head to a library to research David Brook, discovering him to be a mediocre writer in connection with major figures in the Democratic Party, including FDR, Al Smith, and Giovanni Podesta, a major campaign strategist. Through their research, the group realizes that not only will Podesta be attending the art show, but the show coincides with the arrival of a comet that famously spells doom for enemies of the Church. On the night of the show, Will and Matt ambush an old couple to steal their invitations, while Felix blackmails Col. Kurt Schlinter, a potentially treasonous officer in the army, to get in.

Upon arriving at the party, they are horrified to discover Italians and Irish mingling with notable Protestant leaders, alongside bathroom attendants inexplicably collecting the urine of guests who use the bathrooms. Splitting throughout the party, the group investigates the party, with Will inspecting the paintings scattered throughout the party while Matt and Felix find a service elevator in the kitchen. Heading downstairs, the group reconvenes to find a bizarre ritual involving the milking of several important figures in government, and is nearly driven mad in the process, before stumbling onto the real ritual, where Podesta, wearing the same robes from Comet Pizzeria, uses the various fluids collected from the show to summon a horrific, three-legged entity with tentacles for hair. Matt and Will are driven mad at the sight of it, with Will losing control of legs while Matt hallucinates Felix as his twin brother and resolves to kill him once and for all. While Will tries to wrestle Podesta to the ground, Felix knocks out Matt and then shoots Podesta twice in the chest, critically injuring him.

Before he can finish him off, the crowd turns on the group and throws them out, but not before they witness the creature shapeshift into a young, charismatic Irish-American man who vows to turn the country over to the Vatican. Defeated, the trio return to Will's estate to read a piece by journalist Kristoph Cilliza, who talks about the newfound successes of the Kennedy family, and resolves to keep working in hopes of bringing down the cult.

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