Blood Gulch Crew/Bio & Battles

The Blood Gulch Crew, also know as the Reds and Blues are squads of soldiers deemed "unsatisfactory" by the UNSC and are used extensively as training for Freelancers. Initially uncaring of their situation, the teams adventures become more and more dangerous as they do things such as defeat a Rouge AI named O'Malley, finish off the rouge freelancer Maine, and discover the shocking reality of Church's existence. He is revealed to be an AI by the name of Epsilon responsible for storing the memories of The Director of Project Freelancers crimes against an AI known as Alpha. The team plays a crucial role in the downfall of the program and are last seen in their new bases as Church (in Epsilon form) and Agent Carolina (A freelancer working for the Government) leave to continue hunting rouge freelancers and their tech.

After crash landing, due to lots of "mishaps" on their journey back home, the Reds and Blues find themselves again in the middle of a boxed canyon on the planet Chorus.

Battle vs. RED Team (by J80Kar)
Prologue

Outpost 17-B "Vahalla" / Post War: Year 2

"Oh no! Oh no!" yelled Caboose.

"Caboose! I told you not to touch the fusi- AH! SON OF A BITCH!" screamed Church as he flew into the sky.

"I'd say that's a new record for Church flying into the sky like that," added Tucker. "Hey Doc! We need your assistance again!"

"Seriously guys?" asked Doc when walks towards Tucker. "That's the 25th time this week that Caboose blew up Church in any kind of manner."

"On the contrary, your pet has been helping me create new ways of killing you guys! Muahahahahaha!" stated O'Malley.

Correction: Post War-Year 2.25

"AHHHHHHHHH! OOOF!" Church lands back on the base. "Caboose, I swear, when I get back up, I will fucking haunt you like never before!"

"Eeeeep!"

Tex comes walking towards the trio, "Hey what's with the commotion? Oh wait never mind."

"A little help here Tex?" asks Church.

Doc comes over and helps Church.

"Nah, you can handle yourself."

"So how's the reparis on tank going so far?" asked Tucker.

"It could go a lot faster if you guys helped me!" yelled Tex.

"What can I say, I'm a lover not a worker," stated Tucker.

All of a sudden a blue flash is seen in the middle of the canyon.

"Yeah fireworks!" yelled Caboose wth joy.

"Well that's my cue to run and hide. See ya inside the base!" Doc leaves.

"NO YOU IDIOT! DON'T LEAVE WHEN THE FUN IS ABOUT TO START!" shouted O'Malley.

"Those aren't fireworks you idiot!" said Church.

"I'm gonna go and check it out," said Tex as she left the base.

"Hey wait up Tex!" exclaimed Church as he was running towards her.

"Wanna go and follow them?" asked Caboose.

"EW! Gross dude!" exclaimed Tucker.

Back at the Red Base, Lopez and Sarge were repairing the warthog while Grif and Simmons just saw the blue light.

"What could possibly be going on?" asked Grif.

"You know Grif, after having all these events that have happened to us in our military careers, what isn't going on?" replied Simmons.

"Hmm point taken," said Grif.

Sarge comes up, "Hey what are you dirtbags doing up here?"

"Hey sir, we saw a blue flash and uhh Sarge?" Simmons looks around and can't find him. "Where's sarge?"

"He left immediatle after you said 'blue'" said Grif.

"Dammit Grif!" yelled Simmons after he ran after Sarge.

"Hey anything to keep us out of working," replied Grif as he ran after Simmons. In the middle of Valhalla, a portal opens with a RED Insignia Logo on the side of it. Out comes the Scout, Soldier, Pyro, Demoman, Heavy, Engy, Spy, Sniper, and Medic.

"I'm kinda liking this new place!" said the Scout.

"Remember what we're here for," stated the Spy. "We have to find a new place for Mann for his payload factory."

The Engy gets his toolbox, while Demo keeps drinking his whiskey, and the Pyro is having another one of his visions.

The sniper, scanning the area, sees two figures on the horizon, "We've got a couple of blokes near us."

Everyone gets their weapons ready, while Tex and Church creep up on them. "Who the hell are they?"

"Whatever they are, they're neither UNSC or Freelancers," stated Tex.

"Are you sure?"

Tex gives Church a cold stare. "Right, sorry."

The entire RED Team opens fire at them.

"Ah crap they're on us! RUN!" Tex and Church retreat back to their base.

"Time to hide you cowards!" yelled the Heavy with Sasha.

The RED Team starts chasing the Blues back to their base.

"Hahaha, take that you dirty Blues! Hahaha reminds me of the old days," says Sarge.

"That happened last month sir," replied Simmons.

"Ehh it still felt longer for me," added Sarge.

"Well look at that Sarge, seems like our job is going to be done by someone else. Even better, we'll be shipped out of here when the Blues are dead. Rewards and benefits for all of us. Someone else will be doing the fighting for us, while we're kicking back on the sidelines," said Grif. "Uhh Sarge."

Sarge groans,"GRRRRR!"

"Ugh Grif, I don't think you should've done that," replied Simmons.

"We have to fight for what's ours men! Now I don't care that the Blues are our mortal enemies, but if someone else is going to kill them, then they have officially declared war with the Red Army! C'mon fellas. Lopez prepare the warthog."

"Ugh si!" says Lopez on the comms.

"Wait sarge the warthog only fits three people, that's going to be a problem," stated Grif.

"Oh don't worry Grif...I've got a special assignment for you," replied Sarge.

"I don't like where this is going."

The three head back to Red Base...

Battle

Blood Gulch:

RED:

"AH CRAP!" Church and Tex make it back to Blue Base and take cover.

"Hey what the hell is going on?" asks Tucker and Caboose.

"Some random group of people came out of this portal and started firing at us!" exclaimed Tucker.

"Ah crap, is it the Zealots from that other canyon?!" asked Tucker.

"Umm no, but they mentioned someone named Mann," said Tex.

"Men men menly men men men," Caboose starts to sing.

"Caboose shut up! You're gonna give away our position!"

"Oh sorry, that was my fault!" said Caboose.

"That's right, run you foolish fools! Muahahahah!" shouted O'Malley.

"O'Malley, you're gonna give away our position!" replied Doc.

"Shut up!"

"Anyway, we took fire from these random group of people, so we retreated back up here," said Church.

"So what do we do now?" asked Caboose.

"Isn't it obvious, OBLITERATE THOSE FOOLS TO OBLIVION MUAHAHAHA!" said O'Malley as he picked up a Rocket Launcher.

Tex punches Doc/O'Malley.

"OW! Hey two people that you're punching here!" replied Doc.

"Well we're gonna have to come up with a battle plan...Tucker give me the files," said Church.

"Yeah about that...I had to create some space for my 'home movies' so..."

"Oh you gotta be kidding me!"

Meanwhile, the RED Team is surrounding the Blue Base.

"Sniper, do you see anything?" asks the Soldier.

"Them blokes are hiding in there, we need to flush 'em out!" replied the Sniper.

"All right then, Pyro you're up!" said Engy.

"Mmmph mmmph mmmhp mhpph mmmhp mhhmhpp ahahahah!" said the Pyro.

All of a sudden the group hears tejano music.

"What the hell is that?" asked the Spy.

"Yo man, this music ain't great!" added the Scout.

"Do I hear a..." as the Heavy was about to speak Sarge, Lopez, and Simmons ride over the group in the Warthog.

"WHOO-HOO!" shouted Simmons.

"Last one alive lock the door!" said the Soldier as he started to retreat.

Simmons starts firing the machine gun turret at the group. "Yeah that's right! Suck it Reds! Suck it!"

"Uh...Simmons," said Sarge riding shotgun, with his shotgun.

"Yeah take that, suck it Reds! Take that you honky motherfuckers! Suck it bitch! Suck it!"

Lopez (spanish), "Ugh let the idiot have his fun."

Seeing that most ot the group fell back, Simmons gets off the Warthog, followed by Lopez and Sarge.

"Whoo that was fun!" said Simmons.

Spy notions towards the Demoman, Demo takes out his sticky bomb launcher and firess a couple of bombs at the warthog.

"Hey Sarge, where's Grif?" asked Simmons.

A sound from the homosapient respulsifier was heard, followed by terrifying screaming. "AHHHH AHHH! AHHHH!"

"Hey should be here right.....about...." said Sarge calculating the landing.

"AHHHHH OOOF!" Grif lands on the Warthog, at the same time the Demoman activates the trigger sequence, sending Grif flying into the air once again. "AHHHHH! AHHHH! I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED MY RESTING SHIFT YET AHHHHHH!"

"........now! What the- where is that dirtbag?! Private Grif, if you're alive give us some agonizing pain. If you're dead, give us more agonizing pain!"

Grif lands near RED Team, Spy motions Pyro forward, Pyro preps his flamethrower while laughing maniacally.

A fire ball shows several yards away from Simmons, Sarge, and Lopez....

"YAAAAAA!!!!!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!!! AHHHHHHH! HERKKK! BLEEHHHHHHH!" were Grif's final moments.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 9

"I'll take that as an agonizing death.. Hehehe take that Gr-wait a second I'M SUPPOSED TO KILL GRIF WITH MY BARE HANDS!" yelled Sarge. "DAMN YOU RANDOM, sorry for saying this Red Command, RED BASTARDS!"

Lopez (spanish), *sigh* "It took me 2 days just to fix this vehicle and you idiots ruined it again!"

"I agree Lopez, let's exact our revenge of those strangers killing Grif, for not me getting the opportunity to kill Grif myself!"

"That seems quite a contradiction sir," added Simmons.

"Nonsense Simmons, it all makes sense," says Sarge as he loaded his shotgun.

"Hey Reds!" yelled Church.

Both Red Teams looks at Blue Base.

"Oooh, this is awkward, ummm....the Reds that we're fighting!"

Both teams still look at them.

"Wow I wasn't really prepared for this...OW Tex!" Tex punches him in midsentence.

"He means the cockbites that we've been fighting for awhile!" yelled out Tex.

"All right men, I hate to say this but, get to Blue Base! Lopez give us some covering fire!"

"Si," said Lopez and starts firing his battle rifle. The soldier, engy, and heavy return fire as Simmons, Sarge, and Lopez make it to Red Base.

"Hey assholes!" greeted Tucker.

"Hey Seargeant Sarge, Patronizing Simmons, and Spanish Robot," greeted Caboose.

Lopez (spanish), "Really?! You remember their names, but not mine! I'd rather die by the reds that are attacking us!"

"Seems your robot is eager to fight," said Church.

Lopez (spanish), "I hate it that no one can understand the language I'm speaking! Better yet, why did you program me to speakspanish in the first place!"

"Lopez you little kidder!" laughed Sarge.

"That's it when this is all over I'm going to kill each and everyone of you, except the black one, and claim this canyon my own!" (spansish) Lopez said angrily.

Back outside, the RED Team resumes to converge onto Blue Base.

"Everyone get your weapons ready!" ordered the Soldier.

Tex peaks outside, and sees the enemy team on the move. "Ok we'll take this one step at a time," she said.

Everyone loads up on weapons and ammo, at the same time the Medic has been charging Heavy preparing for an Ubercharge. The Engineer builds a sentry and begins to immediately upgrade it to a level 3.

"Where the hell are they?" asked the Spy.

All was quiet unti..."ATTACK!" yelled Sarge. Sarge, Simmons, Lopez, and Doc/O'Malley ran out guns blazing at the enemy team, while Tucker and Caboose go near the waterfall to flank RED Team. Tex and Church go up top to give sniper support.

"You dirtbags will pay for not giving me the chance to kill Grif myself!" yelled Sarge at the Soldier.

"Muahahaha take this you foolish fools!" O'Malley fires a two rockets at the very drunk Demoman who couldn't move away in time. The first one takes out his whiskey bottle.

"HEY YOU ER MY WHIKEYS!" yelled Demoman until he got blown up by the second rocket.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 8

"MUAHAHAHAHA EVIL WINS!" yelled O'Malley with joy. This victory was short-lived when the sentry locked onto Doc's location.

"Umm O'Malley? Look!" said Doc in fear, seeing the level 3 sentry point at him.

"THEN MOVE YOU IDIOT!" replied O'Malley, but it was too late the sentry fired its rockets and unloaded a hail storm of bullets at Doc.

"Hey what's going on guys?" asked Caboose on the radio

"BWHEWHBEWHWHBWEBWHEBWBHEWHWHEWBWHEWB! HERKKKKK BLEHHH!" Doc falls to the ground dead. Luckily O'Malley moved to Caboose.

"Well at least this idiot is better than any fool in this canyon," said O'Malley in Caboose's body.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 8 "Lopez move up!" ordered Sarge.

"Ughh....si!" (spanish) replied Lopez. Lopez equipps himself with a missle pod launcher and fires a barrage of missiles at Engy and the Sentry. The Engineer, who's to ocuppied building a dispenser, doesn't see the oncoming missiles.

The sentry is immediatey taken out.

"SENTRY DOWN!" The Engineer tries to build another one, but gets blown up in the process. "WHAHHHH!" Engy's body parts are blown everywhere.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 7

"Excellent work Lopez!" commented Sarge.

Lopez continues to give supressing fire. At the same, the Medic fully charged the Heavy and intiated the Ubercharge. The Heavy comes into the fray guns blazing with Sasha.

Lopez, Sarge, and Simmons try to take him down, but it was futile.

"JESUS! WHAT'S WITH THIS GUY SARGE?!" asked Simmons in fear.

"I don't know Simmons, but when this is over I want that kind of technology," replied Sarge.

"Ugh..you very tactical sir," said Simmons sarcastically.

Lopez yelled towards the duo (spanish), "I think now would be a good time to go you idiots!"

"I agree Lopez, you stay here and hold him off while me and Simmons fall back. Good luck amigo!" said Sarge while they retreated.

"THAT'S IT, I'M GOING TO OFFICIALLY KILL YOU ALL!" (spanish) yelled Lopez.

Lopez fires his remaing missiles and switches to his BR, but no damage is done to the Heavy.

"YAAAAA! HAHAHAHAAH! I AM BULLET PROOF!" The Heavy takes out Lopez with ease, sending his robotic head flying back to the base landing near Sarge and Simmons.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 7

"Oh poor Lopez! My robotic amigo! I still didn't get to install the robot nuts yet, you will be missed! Adios amigo, adios!" said Sarge.

"I'm still alive you idiot! Just put me on another robotic body!" (spanish) yelled Lopez.

Back on top of Blue Base, Tex and Church try to find a weakness in the Uberchrage.

"Hey I bet that guy behind the fat one is giving off that energy, if I can take him out, the fat one is done for," Tex said to Church.

"I'll take him out Tex," replied Church. Church aims his sniper at the Heavy waiting for a good opportunity for the charge to stop. After a few seconds, the Ubercharge shuts down, leaving the Medic in the open.

"Say goodnight!" said Church and fires the entire magazine at the Medic, badly missing each shot. "Oh this is just bullshit!" Church fires another magazine, and still badly misses each shot. "Dammit!"

"Dumkof! He can't even aim right!" yelled the Medic.

"Oh jeez!" Tex aims at the Medic, and takes him out with a headshot.

"RAHHHHH!" The Medic falls dead.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 6

"Showoff! The sight was dusty!" yelled Church.

"Yeah yeah yeah, say what you want to say," replied Tex.

"Medic is down!" Heavy takes out a Sandvich, eats it, then gets into a fit of rage. "YAHHHHH!"

"Uh oh Tucker, Caboose take that guy out!" ordered Church.

"GROSS DUDE!" replied Tucker on the radio.

"Now that kind of taking out, kill him!" replied Church.

"Ehhh fine, whatever it takes to watch my home movies again, c'mon Caboose."

"Just wait a second, thinking about kittens and babies..." Caboose starts to get into a fit of rage also, then jumps out into the open. "RAHHHHH! MY NAME IS MICHAEL J. CABOOSE AND I HATE BABIES!" Tucker follows him with his sword.

The Scout sees the two and alerts Heavy, "Yo we've got a couple of BLUs here!" Scout starts running towards Tucker with his bat, while the Heavy and Caboose slug it out. Meanwhile, the Spy sneaks into Blue Base.

Scout runs up to Tucker and hits him with the bat. "BONK! You can't catch me yo!"

"OW! Hey, you bitch!" replied Tucker. "Tex a little help here!"

"Already on it Tucker," said Tex on the comms. Tex aims the sniper rifle at the Scout's legs and wiats for an opportunity.

"Try to keep up!" said the Scout as he was running towards Tucker. As the Scout was about to hit him, a sniper round gets the Scout in the leg sending him flying towards Tucker. Tucker gets his sword.

"Hey I've got something better than your 'BONK' SWISH!" Tucker slices the Scout.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 5

Tucker begins to head towards Caboose to help him, but the Soldier catches him in the open and fires a rocket at point blank. "Take this!" yelled the Soldier.

"AW SHIT!" Tucker tries to dodge it, but gets hit and body parts begin to fly around. "AH! SON OF A BITCH!" were his last words.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 5

"He'll always be remembered as the lazy asshole that I know," said Church. Tex nods her head in agreement.

The fight between Heavy and Caboose is a hectic one, neither person gaining the advantage.

"YOUR TEAM IS FULL OF BABIES!" yelled Heavy.

"DON'T CALL CHURCH A BABY!" yelled Caboose.

"YES! YES! IDIOT GIVE INTO YOUR ANGER! MUAHAHAHA!" stated O'Malley.

Sarge heads topside to see what's going on. "Hmm I think Caboose could use some support here," said Sarge.

"Well can't even take out that guy!" replied Church.

"No I think he meant moral support Church," added Tex.

"What do you mean by-oh hell no! NO! NEVER IN A MILLION F***ING YEARS! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HE HAS TEAM KILLED ME! NEVER!"

"Just do it," said Tex, showing her fists.

"All right fine!" Church looks at Tex, then at Caboose. Church then takes a deep breath. "Hey Caboose, if you make it back alive I will...ummm....be...ummm...uhhh......mmmm...your........best.....fr-....fr-....fri-....fr-....."

"Just say it already!" yelled Tex and Sarge.

"I will be your best friend!" finished Church.

Caboose, hearing this, gets massive strength from within. "YES! YES! YES I KNEW IT! I KNEW THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN! YAAAAAA!" Caboose starts beating Heavy up to a pulp. Heavy, trying to defend himself, attempts to grab his shotgun. Caboose quickly takes out a gravity hammer, and prepares to gve the coup' de grais.

"NEVER MESS WITH CHURCH!" The hammer starts to descend on Heavy's head.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH YAHHH DUHHHH AHHH!" Heavy tris to cover his head, but gets smashed instantly.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 4

"YES I DID IT!" yelled Caboose with joy, however short lived when the Pyro. "AHHH FIRE! THAT'S BAD! BAD FIRE!" Caboose starts running around ablaze.

"YOU FOOL GO TO THE RIVER!" yelled O'Malley. Caboose runs into the river, and the fire gets off. "AHHHHH THAT'S NICE!" As Caboose got up, the Sniper killed him with a headshot.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! HERKKK BLEHHH!"

"CABOOSE NOOOOO!" yelled Church.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 4

Simmons walks up to the top of the base. "Hey uys what's up?"

"Oh Simmons, we're the only ones left here to take on this threat," said Sarge.

Tex starts looking at Simmons, and goes back into the base.

"I say that we should give up sir," said Simmons.

"What the- at a time like this?!" asked Sarge.

"I mean it sir, like we can make an alliance with these RED guys and take out the BLUs," said Simmons.

"Say that word again," requested Sarge.

"BLU," said Simmons.

"Spell it out."

"B-L-U..AH!" Tex comes out of camo and rips the skull out of Simmons head, but turns out to be the Spy. Tex uses the Spy's skull to beat him to death with it.

"AHHH! THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE! AHHHHH!" Spy dies.

"I knew there was something fishy about him," said Tex.

"If that wasn't Simmons, where is he?" asked Sarge.

All three went inside the base, revelaing that Simmons was backstabbed by the Spy when guarding the entrance.

"Oh what a shame, I was gonna give him a medal. Oh well, 3 awards for me!" said Sarge.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 3

The Solider, Pyro, and Sniper seeing that they finally ran out of ammo switched to their melee weapons, and started to run towards Blue Base. Soldier gives off his war cry. "AHHHH AHHHHAHHHHH!"

"Here they come!" yeled Church.

Sarge loads his last shell, while Tex cracks her knuckles.

The Pyro was the first to enter the base and is taken out by Sarge's shotgun.

"TAKE THAT DIRTBAG!" yelled Sarge.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 2

The Sniper comes in and throws a jar, "Jarate!"

Tex dodges it, and it splatters all over Church's helmet.

"AH!! PISS! WHO PUTS PISS IN A JAR?! SERIOUSLY?! AND I THOUGHT SARGE AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE WAS CRAZY!" yelled Church as he runs outside to wash his helmet. "UHH THAT'S GONNA RUST!"

The Soldier and Sarge duke it out in a shovel vs wrench battle. Soldier tries to hit Sarge in every weak spot possible, but the armor protects him.

"Thank god for the armor!" said Sarge, and kills the solider with a few deadly blows to the head.

"WUAHHHH! AHHH!" Soldier falls dead to the floor.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team:

Sarge starts running towards the Sniper, but the Sniper dodges the attack and stabs Sarge in the abodmen and takes his hat off as a sign off respect.

"Nothing personal mate," said the Sniper.

"My only regret, was not having the chance to kill Grif over and over again..." Sarge falls dead.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team:

Lopez, seeing this, starts to cheer with jubilance. "YES I'M FREE FROM THIS MESS!"

Tex and Sniper go into a standoff. Tex hears something come into the base and stands down.

"What in the blimey?! Highghahah kerkk jekrjkr jekrk!" The Sniper's body stands still for a few seconds.

"Tex can you hear me? Wait is this an Austrailian accent?!" asked Church's voice in the Sniper's body. "Let me try something." Church clears his throat. "G'day mate! Crockey! Hahaha I've always wanted to say that!"

"Just let me finish him Church!" yelled Tex.

"Fine!" Church comes out of the Sniper's body, while the Sniper becomes all dazed.

Tex cracks her knuckles again and beats the sniper to a pulp. "That should do it."

The sniper's body is all broken and covered in blood.

"Great, now the base is all messy again!" yelled Church. "Cab- oh wait nevermind."

Blood Gulch:

RED Team:

Winner: Blood Gulch Sqauds

Epilogue

Tex and Church go on top of Blue Base, and just watch the canyon.

"So now what? My entire team is dead, the Reds are dead, Doc is even dead," stated Church.

"I'm still here you know!" (spanish) yelled Lopez's head

"Well that means my work here is over," said Tex.

"What?! Oh come on!" yelled Church.

"Church I'm a freelancer," said Tex. "once a job is done, we get contacted for another contract."

"Tex..."

All of a sudden an enormous bulldozer like factory comes through a teleporter and opens.

"What the hell?!" yelled Church.

Tex and Church aim their rifles at the opening...

Inside, robots began to activate looking like the members of the RED Team members themselves.

All of a sudden wave after wave of them started to run down the ramp towards Blue Base.

"OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!" yelled Church.

"Looks like I'm still needed here," said Tex as she grabs weapons from the weapon crates.

The robots began to converge onto Blue Base, then Tex jumps down with a machine gun turret....

Expert's Opinion
While RED Team had altogether better teamwork than the somewhat disorganized Blood Gultch Squads, the latter had much more advanced weaponry, as well as armor that physically enhanced them, and provided more protection.

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.

Battle vs. Men in Black (by Goddess of Despair)
No battle written.

Winner: Blood Gulch Squads

Expert's Opinion
The Blood Gulch Squads were able to beat the Men in Black thanks to their armor and experience, despite the Men in Black having more advanced weaponry.

To see the original battle, weapons and votes, click here.