User blog:Pygmy Hippo 2/Animal Face-off:Tsavo Maneaters vs. Kesagake

The slums of the DFU were horrible in the main cities but there were two exceptions. They were completely absent in the Red territories and in Hippoman Land, they were hellholes where a war was going on between the Weasel Mafia and COD FBI with several other fight losers getting wrapped up in the conflict and reports of a new white masked blue clothed killer with a knife was making the, admittedly terrible, night clubs close down. In this chaos, the only thing that the survivors of this mayhem could do is waste time after work eating at a diner and watching Pygmy's propaganda.

Two men sat silently, just eating their sandwiches in peace after a long day at the butcher shop and mines. The first man wore an apron and human face mask with several stitches covering it and his body, this poor guy had lost three times before, but his BBQ pork sandwich eased the pain a bit. The second man had a mining helmet on the table and was munching on grilled cheese, ironic considering how roasted his skin was. Next to them, a man in black clothes with large bandages on his torso and a gas mask plays a card game with a man in white armor and a helmet with stitches along his upper body.

Two other men were talking as they ate with the man in blue clothes and fancy gloves with multiple stitches eating Fettuccine Alfredo while the man in robes shuddered from the cold as he ate a hot dog. Both worked in the rental business and glanced over at the back of the diner. A man in a trench coat and fedora read a newspaper while a caveman petted his pet Smilodon. "Found a job yet, Rorschach?" "Found a way to pay off your loans, Fiore?" That shut him up and Rorschach saw the news of the main community's leaders meeting.

Everyone here knew who was on screen except for a pair of swords lodged in a seat at the round table, Zhu Yuan Zhang sat by the jukebox and enjoyed the tunes while he wondered which poor bastard was getting sent here next. The bar was mostly open except for two seats where a woman with you guessed it, stitches, and a bandage on her forehead sighed and a man with a bandage wrapped around his head groaned. "I don't get how Bubba does it! He's died the most out of all of us!" "Well, Miyo, he's been here the longest as well."

"Only man who could tell you if he ever showed anything but hunger is Juggernaut and he's not talking!" "Leave the poor guy alone, you two." Geronimo got the nurse and assassin to be quiet while the red-haired waitress delivered him a Leopard Root Beer and Miyo got a Diet Hippo. Strangely enough, she and the owner, Booker something, had no marks from their fights. "CGI that they used for the 'Back For Bloods'?" "No, Zhu, they just make more than all of us combined."

"That's not hard for you to sa-" Everyone was silent as the screen blared an odd introduction to what they could only assume was another fight show with big cats roaring and bears growling. Takkar's Smilodon perked up and the newcomers lowered their drinks, even Bubba and Harry showed interest, but Rorschach just glared underneath his bloody mask and muttered under his breath as their 'leader' popped on-screen. "Well, that's something new, Animal Face-off?" "Yeah Zhu, can't wait for it to be animatronics or animated like his other series. Fat bastard."

Introduction
Pygmy Hippo woke up in bed with his two waifus before getting up and stretching as his orange cat with black stripes meowed at him. His black and green-haired ladies were getting up just as soon as a black labrador retriever with a red beret on walked in on her hind legs and pulled him outside. "Holy fuck, Hippoman! Do you know how late it is?!" "Three." "Ugh, the city leaders have already spoken so that rotten piece of animatronic shit has been stuck running reruns of Bendy cartoons."

"I can hear you!" "Just be glad we didn't throw you in the scrap pile and gave you a camera man job." William Afton grumbled under his non-existent breath as some other abomination walked in, an ASDF character dressed like Al Capone. "Did you hear, Grand Leader? The Borsites are building up their armies again!" "We beat them last time. It's only a problem if the Reds are building up." "He's actually saying he won the Great DF War now. Typical of a Sun Tzu fanboy, I guess."

"Hey, not too harsh. They're still our trade partners at the moment and I made a little BFB deal a while ago..." "Anyways, sorry to distract you from your terrible choice in wives, remember that Animal Face-off episode we promised?" "Yes?" "Well, we can actually do it, so that's something." Pygmy walked into the filming booth with Rose the Doge, Zuggsy the janitor, and the Purple Guy who envies Chris and Rena.

The Animal Face-off intro played with various images of wild animals being "ferocious" including a chimpanzee banging on a window and a chihuahua barking. "Ladies and gentlemen, on the first new episode of Animal Face-off, we have three of the most feared animals in history duking it out." "Maneaters from different parts of the world that killed and ate not only other animals but humans as well if the term Maneater wasn't clear enough." "Out of respect for the victims, we won't be doing any tests this episode and just going over the stats of the Tsavo Maneaters and Kesagake."

"Respect for the victims?! You hear that Clyde?! Hippoman has respect for something other than his terrible fights now!" "That's the thing, he only has respect because this IS one of his fights!" The Deadliest Fiction federal prison erupted into laughter except for one man in rhino hide armor that glared angrily at the screen. "What the fuck is this shit?! I was supposed to come back!" "Mate, my AC version would have absolutely slaughtered you, DW version or not!" "Hey maybe he can kill him off again with Miyamoto or maybe the Inuits this time, Jack!"

There was only one other person that matched Master Sun's rage at the Hippoman and he was in a crappy slum diner.

Tsavo Maneaters
Pygmy:In 1898, Great Britain decided they wanted to have a bridge between their territories in Africa and their Indian Ocean Harbour but problems started interfering with their plans in Kenya.

Rose:Not child labor or Jack the Ripper which were the Victorian Empire's homeland problems, no, the lovely Tsavo river came with the worst roommates imaginable, a pair of man eating lions who decided that the Indian railroad workers looked tastier than striped horses.

Zuggsy:The Tsavo Maneaters would come in alone or together to snatch workers from their tents and eat them, if that wasn't bad enough, they didn't care about any obstacles including thorn fences which they just jumped over or crawled through.

Pygmy:When 135 or 28-31 people were eaten, most of his workers fled, and the District Officer was almost killed, Lieutenant-Colonel John Henry Patterson finally started hunting the two lions with traps and tree ambushes, neither was very effective.

Rose:Thankfully a couple rifles did the trick and one fell to two shots, the other was the cat version of Jason Voorhees and took nine shots to kill.

Zuggsy:The Maneaters weren't tiny either, East African lions can reach up to 9.8 feet in length and at least one of them was that long along with being so heavy it needed to be carried by eight people which suggests it was likely at the high-end weight of 450 pounds.

Pygmy:Not to mention the Tsavo duo would also have four 1.4 inch retractable claws for each paw and 30 3.9 inch teeth to eat people's bones with a bite force of 691 PSI but they also took down prey animals like zebras, wildebeest, and buffalo with the suffocating throat bite.

Rose:These lions were working together for their whole lives so there's no doubt they would be able to work together to bring down anything they wanted to eat.

Zuggsy:The Tsavo Maneaters' only weakness is that one of them had a root canal infection that took out several teeth but even that didn't hinder the Ghost and the Darkness too much in their numerous hunts.

Kesagake
Pygmy:In 1915, the Japanese village of Sankebetsu was abandoned after a series of man eating bear attacks from a creature which had only took people's corn before.

Rose:Yeah about that, the Ikeda family actually started this whole mess by tracking Kesagake down and shooting him then leaving him alone because the apex predator would clearly fear people and not just be pissed off.

Zuggsy:"The diagonal slash from the shoulder" had apparently killed three women before and went to the Ota family's house where he then killed a baby and devoured everything but the head and legs of a woman who threw firewood at him.

Pygmy:It would only get worse as the bear wasn't killed by another shot and escaped an ambush attempt to break a window at the Miyouke family house and kill four more people along with giving another serious injuries that killed him a couple years later.

Rose:Finally a sniper team was formed and shot him again before the bear's archenemy Yamamoto Heikechi stopped drinking and shot him twice underneath an oak tree, ending his reign of terror.

Zuggsy:Like other Ussuri brown bears, he was a huge beast that weighed 749 pounds and stood 8.85 feet tall on his hind legs, yes he was actually weighed as well as measured.

Pygmy:The giant was such a dangerous creature due to his four 6 inch non-retractable claws on each paw and 42 2.3 inch teeth with a bite force of 850 PSI for a crushing skull bite that would enable him to eat practically any mammal he came across like deer and red foxes.

Rose:While he is a loner, he still evaded death from armed humans for a while and inspired so much fear that only war veterans remained in town to oppose him.

Zuggsy:Kesagake's one weakness would be that as he woke up early from hibernation, his primary concern is food which could leave him open in as fight but the giant of Sankebetsu is still a formidable beast.