Ape Soldier (Planet of the Apes 2001)



The Apes rose to power in a prehistoric alternate-dimension Earth, where primates ruled supreme over the subservient but intelligent humans, from the Planet of the Apes remake by Tim Burton. When astronaut Leo Davidson landed on this planet, he had to fight for his survival, but found not all of these apes were hostile. Finding an ally in Ari, the human-sympathetic daughter of an ape official, Davidson attempts to escape back to his own Earth, hounded by the vicious General Thade all the way. Eventually Davidson escapes, but upon crash-landing on modern-day Earth, he emerges upon a nightmare scene - the Lincoln Memorial with Thade's face in place of the president's, and gorilla policemen surrounding the confused human with handguns.

Battle vs. Uruk-Hai (by The Deadliest Warrior)
Ape-Men:

Uruk-Hai: General Thade and four gorilla warriors are trekking through a dark forest. Suddenly they hear rustling and the Uruk-Hai leader Lurtz and four Uruk-Hai foot soldiers run in their path. Lurtz challengingly spits in Thade's direction, and Thade only nods before the gorillas leap high into the air and come down with their hand scythes, beating down Lurtz and several other Uruk-Hai to the ground. The gorillas unleash hell with their vicious attacks and manage to kill one Uruk-Hai. The rest of the Uruk-Hai stand up, though, and Lurtz kills his attacker with his sword.

The gorillas back up, spears in hand, and turn to see that their General is nowhere in sight. One Uruk-Hai raises a pistol and fires at point-blank range, dropping one of the primates. Thade's troops throw their spears and impale several of the Uruk-Hai, but only one falls. The other orcs lumber forward awkwardly with the weapons still sticking straight through them.

Thade suddenly pops up and rallies his men as Lurtz staggers back in surprise. Thade takes careful aim with his hunting rifle and shoots Lurtz right between the eyes, killing the orc leader instantly. This seems counter-productive almost instantly, because instead of the orcs retreating under their leader's death, they instead go wild and charge the gorillas with their swords. Thade scowls and turns to escape when he stes on a land mine, blowing the general sky-high.

The last two gorillas, seeing their leader fall, have the opposite reaction of the orcs and panic. As they flee, one stops the other and takes out his bow, draws an arrow, and sets fire to it. His partner does the same, and as the Uruk-Hai storm the claring, the apes let fire fly. One of the Uruk-Hai falls and his corpse roasts in the flames. However, the last Uruk-Hai, spear through his belly and head aflame, walks over to the two gorillas and grabs them by their necks before he smashes their heads together with such force he kills them both. Not knowing what to do now, the stupid brute sits down on the floor, surrounded by corpses, and scratches his rear.

Expert's Opinion
Weapon-wise and leader-wise, the apes had the advantage. However, the orcs prevailed because of their unrelenting strength and durability.

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.

Battle vs. Vampire Slayers (by Wassboss)
Vampire Slayers:

Ape-Men:

5 vampire slayers are walking through a forest. They have heard about a strange group of hairy beasts have been prowling this area. Assuming these to be minions of a vampire the vampire slayers have decided to check out the area. Two of them are holding crossbows, two of them are holding shotguns, the last member has the sword of Saint George and they are all armed with stakes. Little do they know they are being watched...?

On top of a hill 5 ape-men have been watching the vampire slayers progress. Two are holding rifles and have them aimed at the slayers. Two of the remaining members have spears and flaming arrows. The leader is also holding his own custom rifle and they all have hand scythes on. “Should I shoot?” says one of the rifle apes. “Yes” says the leader “Both of you now”. The ape-men fire their rifles at the same time but only one scores a kill.

The vampire slayers are immediately alerted and turn around. Seeing the ape-men behind them both of the two crossbow wielders fire there crossbows puncturing one of the ape-men’s hearts. The ape-men run down the hill and the leader fires his rifle hitting the crossbow wielder right between the eyes. The vampire slayers scatter and the ape-men give chase. One of the ape-corners one of the vampire slayers and stabs her with his spear. He turns and is blasted in the face by the shotgun wielding slayer.

He smiles and runs off to find more ape-men. Meanwhile the leader of the vampire hides in the brush and waits until an ape-man runs past. She then jumps out and decapitates him with the sword of Saint George.

Meanwhile the other vampire slayer is chasing the ape-man leader. The ape-men leader turns a corner but when the vampire slayers turn’s it he is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly he is struck by an arrow and falls to the ground his clothes burning his corpse.

The last remaining vampire slayer turns the same corner but sees the head ape-man in a tree. She aims her crossbow but is rugby tackled by the last ape-man. She growls at him and shoot him in the head at point blank range.

The ape-men leader jumps down from the tree and charges at the vampire slayer who pulls out her sword. They duel for a bit before the ape-man stabs her in the arm with the scythe. She drops the sword and pulling out her stake thrusts it at the ape-means heart shouting “Die demons!”.

The ape-man laughs as the stake is deflected by his armour. “That just didn’t work did it” he says and slices the vampire slayers throat. “Pathetic humans” he says and goes to inform General Thade of his success.

Expert's Opinion

The Apes won because with their range advantage they could pick off the Vampire Slayers before they could get close.

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.