User blog:LB&SCR/April Fool's Presidential Duels: Beatdown

The American President has always been a shining beacon to the world, that truly anyone can be a leader should they possess enough money willpower to push themselves. However, we forget that Presidents too are people, and to provide the users with their normal bread & circuses while I plot in vain my last two GWM Battles, I offer up a treat that is sure to entertain even the most dour and apathetic voters user. Please, now feast your eyes.

Our Contestants (In order of Presidency)

 * -| Big George =



America's First President, and often rated in the top 4 Presidents in American Presidents (alongside Abe Lincoln and FDR, with Thomas Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt often competing for that last spot). A plantation owner and militiaman in his early life; he went on to command the Continental Army during the Revolution.

He is a learned man, skilled in math, trig, surveying, draftmanship, and map-making. No real disabilities other than most of his teeth being attached to a pair of dentures.

Stats Feats
 * Height: 6 Foot 2 Inches
 * Weight: Between 175-200 lbs
 * Age Upon Taking Office: 57
 * Achieved Battlefield Success during his first combat in 1754, and then proceed to be outmaneuvered in subsequent fights.
 * Commanded the Continental Army to Victory in the American War of Independence after weening down British Morale.
 * America's First President
 * Eliminated Armed Resistance during the Whiskey Rebellion with only 4 killed in total.
 * -| Old Hickory =



America's Seventh President, and holding an average rank of 9th in the Presidential Rankings. A soldier and orphan in his early life, eventually became a lawyer and politician. Most famous for his victories in the War of 1812 and for clearing Florida of the Seminole Indians.

Very little formal education except the spat a law school. No real disabilties, just frequent headaches, abdominal pain, chronic coughing (occasionally with blood), and a raging temper often used a political tool.

Stats Feats
 * Height: Six Foot 1 Inch
 * Weight: Between 130-140 lbs
 * Age Upon Taking Office: 62
 * Fought in the Creek, Seminole, and American Revolutionary Wars; Won the Battle of New Orleans during the War of 1812.
 * Took part in approx. 103 Duels in his lifetime.
 * America's Seventh President
 * Managed to turn despising aristocracy into a mainstream political thought.


 * -| Honest Abe =



America's Sixteenth President, and holding an average rank of 1st in the Presidential Rankings. He saw brief service as a Militia Captain during the Black Hawk War, before rising to the Presidency during the most Tumultuous years in America.

A self-educated man who's total formal schooling equals roughly 12 months, and as a young man was known for his strength and audacity after wrestling the leader of a local ruffian group to a standstill. This carried even into his political career. No known physical disabilities, but suffered from melancholy.

Stats Feats
 * Height: 6 Foot 4 Inches
 * Weight: ~180 lbs
 * Age Upon Taking Office: 52
 * Wrestled a the leader of a ruffian gang to a standstill in his youth.
 * Early in his career, he interuppted one of his own speeches to break up a scuffle and tossed the aggressor out by his neck.
 * Briefly served during the Black Hawk War (Saw no Combat)
 * America's Sixteenth President.
 * -| Unconditional Surrender =



America's 18th President, and holding an average ranking of 36th. A soldier, author and international statesman, he is most famous for commanding Union Armies to the Civil War Victory, and for his corruption ridden presidency.

Reluctantly attended four years at West Point and graduated 21st out of 39, however he excelled at Horsemanship and made few friends due to this quiet nature, and his service during the war with Mexico establish him as a quite daring commander who thought outside the box. No physical disabilities, but suffered from frequent migraines and had false teeth. Supposedly kind of squeamish.

Stats Feats
 * Height: 5 Foot 7 Inches
 * Weight: N/A, but supposedly built rather muscular
 * AUTO: 47
 * Mastered out-of-box thinking in Mexico by disassembling a howitzer and hauling it up a church tower for an absolute vantage point.
 * Had Stephen Douglas as his prefered Candidate in the Election of 1860.
 * Rose to Prominence over more established Union Commanders with relentless assaults instead of a defensive mindset.
 * America's Eighteenth President
 * -| The Bull Moose =



America's 26th President, and holding an average ranking of 4th place, was a Soldier and Statesman. He is most famous his heroics during the Spanish-American War, conservation efforts, and for creating the American Tough Guy Persona.

An Asthmatic in life, the Bull Moose combated this by exerting physically: hiking and eventually boxing after being manhandled by two bigger kids. This continued even into his college and older years. Only real disability is that well, asthma never goes away; though it can get better (or worse) as you age and grow.

Stats Feats
 * Height: 5 Foot 8 Inches
 * Weight: 200 lbs
 * AUTO: 42
 * Courageous feats during the War with Spain.
 * Prominent Boxer and Adventurer.
 * Wrote Several Books on Naval Combat.
 * America's 26th President
 * -| Bathtub Boi =Bathtub_Boi.jpg

America's 27th President, and holding an average ranking of 23rd, was a judge and politician. He is famous for being Teddy's hand-picked successor, who Teddy himself then ran against to beat.

He was always a heavyset man, and this coupled with a jovial personality made him rather popular, and was intramural heavyweight boxing champion, and then graduated 2nd out of 121. Except for the strain that his weight placed on his heart, he was in generally good health.

Stats Feats
 * Height: 6 Foot 2 Inches
 * Weight: 332 lbs
 * AUTO: 52
 * Heavyweight Boxing Champion
 * Governor-General of the Philippines, Provisional Governor of Cuba, Secretary of War, and later Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
 * America's 27th President
 * Buster of Trusts
 * -| Leslie Lynch King, Jr. =



America's 38th President, and holding an average ranking of 26th, was a soldier, athelete, and statesman. Famous for replacing Richard Nixon upon his resignation after Watergate.

As an athlete played Linebacker, Center, and long snapper for Michigan during two undefeated season that would see him national champion twice, and later served in the navy during World War II. He had some knee issues due to his college football career, but managed to keep his body trim and athletic even at age; also supposedly kind of a clutz.

Stats Feats
 * Height: 6 Foot Tall
 * Weight: 195 lbs
 * AUTO: 61
 * Twice College National Champion, once MVP
 * Eagle Scout
 * Worked on the Wendell Wilkie Campaign
 * America's 38th President
 * -| Dubyah =



America's 43rd President, with a general ranking of 33rd, was an athlete, soldier, and politician. Famous for his presidency ecompassing both 9/11 and the beginning of the war on terror.

As an athlete, he played Linebacker for a Rugby Union team in High School and at Yale in their First XV and was playing during the dramatic defeat of Harvard in 1968. He has mild high-frequency hearing loss, is farsighted, and can do a mile in about 7.5 minutes.

Stats Feats
 * Height: 6 Foot Tall
 * Weight: 192 lbs
 * AUTO: 55
 * Rugby Union Player
 * Expert at Psychological Distraction
 * Apparently an expert small arms marksman
 * America's 43rd President.

(Probably) Useless Facts about our Contestants (In Same Order as Above)

 * 1) Big George had dentures made of about everything under the sun, even the teeth of his slaves. Sadly, the myth about wood is not true. Not that we are aware of, anyway.
 * 2) Old Hickory was the first President to ride on a train.
 * 3) Honest Abe was the tallest president on record, and the first to ever be assassinated.
 * 4) Unconditional Surrender was once fined $20 for speeding with his horse and carriage.That's approx. $375 in today's money.
 * 5) Bull Moose was shot while delivering a speech in 1912, and proceeded to finish his speech before going to a hospital.
 * 6) Like his predeccessor, Bathtub Boi has a toy after him: Billy Possum, after supposedly scarfing down an entire possum dinner.
 * 7) Leslie's was almost assassinated twice in 17 days; both times by women.
 * 8) Dubyah has a collection of over 250 signed baseballs.

Other
In honor of the day of jokes, I shall reward thee with several givings
 * Fight shall be honorable: fisticuffs and whatever furniture may be lying around.
 * Need not die death; I reckon a good head blow will knock you out just fine if that's how you get your kicks.
 * All other factoids are provided.
 * Probably an enlarged version of the Oval Office, unless others have a fine idea.
 * Apparently being rather martial isn't a fad with Presidents anymore.
 * Go crazy.