User blog comment:Oshbosh/Halloween Battle: 7 Way Battle Between 7 Horror Warriors From 7 Different Forms of Horror/@comment-75.105.35.23-20121019175056

Interesting group. I had to give this a fair bit of thought. Now, I’ve never seen Elfen Lied, so make of that what you will, but otherwise here’s my opinion. BTW: A better way to phrase this could be “7 Different Warriors from 7 Different Mediums of Horror Fiction.”

First of all, who has the biggest advantages or disadvantages?

Bottom of the list are Jack Torrance and the walkers. (unless they’re named for Walker, Texas Ranger, in which case they’d go to the top) As zombies go, if they follow the rules of Romero’s Dead series, they don’t constitute a threat unless they have large numbers. And that’s against ordinary humans. Against the other participants in this fight, it would take five hundred of them to pose a danger. (okay, maybe not quite that many) Deadliest Warrior calculated it would take 63 zombies to overcome one vampire, if that gives you some idea.

The walkers would probably target Jack, since he’s the only human combatant, and would smell like food to them. Now, The Shining was published in 1977, and the Night of the Living Dead came out in 1968, so we can assume Jack has some idea of how to kill them. Taking terrain into account, Jack can possibly take out the walkers, but his disadvantage is that he has to kill all five of them with headshots (the axe would do this nicely, but the croquet mallet may be too light to kill in one shot) while a single bite or scratch from a walker would kill him, albeit slowly. Jack is also an alcoholic, and is at his most violent when drunk. (which is not a good way to approach marauding flesh-eaters, let alone trained killers)

Since Jason’s preferred victims are fornicating teenagers, he would probably target Lucy, perceiving her as an easy kill. Big mistake. Based on the YouTube clips I looked up, it would be like the fight between Jason and the robot lady in Jason X. Only this time the killer robot has telekinesis. (that’s kind of what the vectors look like to me) Now, dead for Jason isn’t “dead,” dead but “only dead until the next movie,” dead, but I would consider a bloody pile of Jason’s body parts quite dead enough to count for purposes of a single battle.

Also, of all the combatants who have a distance game, Jason has the worst. I don’t know what the effective range of a spear gun is, but if it’s shorter than a bow, there’s no real advantage to having both. And Jason isn’t exactly Legolas, so I don’t see him outshooting the gun-toting fighters. And if Lucy can block bullets with her vectors, she could stop an arrow as well.

Grendel doesn’t carry weapons, but he’s also immune to them. Only one sword in the original epic had the power to break the enchantments that rendered him immune to blades. Of course, it was Beowulf’s superhuman strength that undid him in the first place, so we know he’s not immune to bare hands.

Hellboy would probably go after Grendel, out of a sense of machismo. Now, I’m most familiar with Hellboy from the films, so forgive me if I err, but as far as I know, neither the Samaritan nor Big Baby can break protective enchantments. But a gun being useless isn’t a problem for Hellboy, since he’s equally ready to try putting his fist through whatever is in his way. If Grendel’s arm can be ripped out of the socket, his neck can be broken. Grendel might outweigh Hellboy, but if Hellboy’s strength is equal to Beowulf (he’s probably even stronger, especially in his right hand) then the result will be the same.

What’s Pious doing while this is going on? He’s staying as far back as he can, preparing shields, damage fields, enchanting his weapons, and summoning creatures. (he’d better take care not to summon creatures of opposing alignments, or they’ll attack each other) Pious Augustus is a patient man, err, lich, so he’s going to stay out of the fight as long as possible, taking every possible precaution before getting into a physical confrontation. Remember, he played a major role in a plot that took over two millennia to come to fruition. If he does a thing, he’s going to take the time to do it right.

So now it’s Hellboy vs. Lucy. This fight is going to be determined by who shoots first. The Samaritan’s bullets are probably a large enough caliber to get through Lucy’s vectors, but Lucy appears to be the faster opponent. Plus, Lucy’s vectors are invisible and can rip through flesh like razors, so Hellboy can’t effectively defend himself at close range.

           So here’s my picks, based on the above factors:

1.) Jack Torrance:  Walker chow.  Jack is now a very dull boy.  He takes one or two with him but the rest take him down.  The other fighters then ignore the walkers while they eat.  Except for Pious, who places a bind spell on the walkers.

2.) Jason Vorhees:  Big dumb guy with a blade vs. a true apex predator.  Swish.

3.) Grendel: Against the son of the Fallen One, the offspring of Cain loses more than an arm this time.

4.) Hellboy:  Lucy strikes, and Hellboy literally never sees it coming.

5.) The Walkers:  As Lucy turns her attention towards Pious, the unfortunate walkers are shredded along with any other creatures the lich has summoned.

<p style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt">6.) Lucy:  She may be fast and lethal, but Pious is far from being a squishy wizard.  Pious strikes Lucy down before she can wear down his defenses.  His sanity draining effect would likely affect her ability to fight as well.

<p style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt">7.) Pious Augustus:  “Fool!  I spit at thee!  The Darkness shall be… Eternal!”

<p style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in; margin: 0in 0in 0pt">So, IMAO, that’s how it would play out. However else it goes, (ie, Hellboy kills Lucy) I think the end result would be the same. Pious may not be the strongest of the group, but he would wait until the others had finished each other off and the remaining opponent would be weakened from the fighting. Jason has never demonstrated immunity against magic, and neither has Hellboy. (to my knowledge) And we know that Beowulf used the enchanted blade, “Hrunting,” to decapitate Grendel’s corpse, so Pious could probably accomplish the same thing with the “enchant item” spell. Or he could use “dispel magick” to eliminate Grendel’s immunity to weapons.

<p style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in; margin: 0in 0in 0pt">Happy Halloween!