Hongi Hika/Disregarded Battles

Battles here were deemed to be unfair or otherwise not in accordance with wiki standards, and have been removed from the statuses of the warriors and displayed below.

Battle vs. Sun Tzu (by Kazanshin)
An immense colosseum, filled with rocks and trees, has its seats filled with the anxious crowd. At the top, in the seat of the Caesar, sits Wassboss, ruler and overseer of this realm. As he lifts his arm, Kazanshin snaps his finger. The screen suddenly goes from a colosseum to an open grassy plain.

A group of maori warriors, lead by their chief, Hongi Hika, walk across the grassland. Just moments ago, they were mourning the death of one of their tribesmen who they had found dead with his face smashed in. Now, before they could realized what happened, they found themselves here. Hongi encourages his scared warriors to keep moving forward and try to find something which would give the, a clue of where they are.

Nearby, a group of equally surprised Chinese soldiers walk across the plains, led by military philosopher Sun Tzu. Just when they had thought this same Sun Tzu had been killed by a bizarre man in bronze armor, they found themselves here, with master Sun alive and well. Sun Tzu looks around and urges his men to advance and look for any signs of civilization.

One of the Chinese soldiers squints his eyes, seeing something in the horizon. He starts carefully walking towards his discovery, until he realizes what he was seeing was another group of men. Large, buff men, carrying fearsome weapons he had never seen before. He accidentally lets out a yell of surprise, which alerts both his friends and the Maoris. One of the cannibal points his musket at the stranger and fires. Because of the musket’s terrible accuracy, the shot misses, but the Chinese are all startled and start running in all direction, with only Sun Tzu himself hilariously running back and forth, yelling at his men to keep their calm. Another Maori fires, missing yet again, as the cannibals without the luxury of having a firearm charge at the scattered Chinese.

Sun Tzu recalls his men and runs away. The Chinese then group up and Sun Tzu starts explaining his plan to his men. As the Maori start closing in, one of the Chinese points at them and screams, then turns around and starts running away. The other Chinese soldiers also start running away while screaming, leaving poor Sun Tzu alone, yelling at them to come back, in front of the cannibals. The philosopher faces the oncoming squad of muscular men for a brief moment, before turning around and running away. The Maori give chase to the old man, who runs as fast as his legs can carry him. One of the polynesians points his musket at the running philosopher and fires. Sun Tzu collapses on the ground, grunting and yelling. The cannibals, led by Hongi, close in on the elder sage, who yells and screams as if his life depends on it.

Keyword “as if”.

“射击! (Fire!)”

As Sun Tzu yells this word, the four other Chinese soldiers, who had positioned themselves in a circle and on their stomachs so that the Maoris, too concentrated on Sun Tzu, wouldn’t notice them. The soldiers start firing their repeating crossbows at the Maoris, killing two of them in the volley and injuring one in the leg while master Sun escapes in the confusion.

Hongi Hika: 3

Hongi picks up the musket of one of his dead men and furiously fires it at a Chinese. This time, the shot reaches its target. The soldier drops dead, with a hole in his forehead.

Sun Tzu: 4

The fallen man’s allies look in awe at their dead comrade. What happened? Why did the man die? What killed him? As the Chinese are stunned, the Maori briefly dance the haka, which the Asians are equally surprised and horrified to see, and charge at the frightened men. One of the maoris quickly stabs a frozen Chinese through the chest with his taiaha, which he then swings at another soldier, who narrowly ducks and takes out his bishou dagger. He slashes at the Maori’s thigh before the cannibal can turn around. The polynesian grunts and bashes the Asian in the face with the bludgeoning end of the taiaha, then stabs the downed Chinese in the face.

Sun Tzu: 2

Hongi Hika charges at Sun Tzu himself, who draws his jian and blocks a taiaha swing of the chieftain, who then attempts to trip the philosopher with the other end of the spear. The Chinese responds by jumping over the swing and stabbing a bishou in the chief’s shoulder, making him yell in pain. The old man calls his remaining man and starts running away once again. Hongi attempts to give chase, but turns around to see his injured man on the ground, holding his chest in agony, with the crossbow bolt’s poison taking effect. Hongi and the other warrior run to his sides, and promise him to kill the man who did this to him. The fainting warrior gives one last smile, before losing consciousness and closing his eyes forever.

Hongi Hika: 2

The Polynesians start running in the direction the Chinese went, and spot the two men crouched, seemingly talking about their next plans. The two New Zealand natives charge and smash the Asians in their nape.... only to realize they were dummies. The warrior following Hongi Hika is then smashed in the head from behind with a zhua by Sun’s soldier as the philosopher laughs and fires his crossbow. However, Hongi quickly smashes his foe’s face with a mere and uses the dead body as a meat shield to deflect the volley of bolts.

Sun Tzu: 1

Hongi Hika: 1

As Sun starts reloading his weapon, the chieftain throws his club at it, breaking the wooden crossbow in half. The cannibal then closes in, Toki Kaka Poto in hand, and swings it down. Sun Tzu draws his jian and blocks the swing, then counterattacks with a thrust, which the Polynesian dodges by sidestepping. Sun swings his blade a few more times, with Hongi dodges by backstepping, until he locks the sword between the blade and the shaft of his axe and parries it. Sun Tzu is thrown off balance, but recovers fast enough to block a strike from the Toki. Sun slashes at Hongi’s leg, making him yell and kneel in pain. As the Maori half-collapses, the philosopher tries his chance by attempting to stab through his enemy’s throat, but yet again his plan is foiled by the chieftain deflecting the blow with his axe. Sun Tzu, seeing that this isn’t getting him anywhere, turns his back and starts retreating to establish a new plan. Hongi Hika gets back up and throws his axe, but with Sun Tzu already at a distance, misses.

Sun Tzu, after running out of the cannibal’s sight, catches his breath and starts thinking of a new plan. That’s when the polynesian catches up, faster than the Chinese expected. Hongi, now having retrieved a taiaha, swings the sharp end of the club at the military tactician, who backsteps just in time to avoid getting sliced. The polynesian then thrusts three times at the philosopher, who manages to avoid all attacks, until Hongi feints a thrust and bashes Sun in the jaw with the blunt end of the taiaha. Sun Tzu, knocked on his back, has no time to react as Hongi Hika moves in and gives him an “honorable death” by smashing his skull with his mere. Sun Tzu, with his head smashed into much, collapses once again, as Hongi stands up and gives out a war cry. Meanwhile, a shadow stalks the two in the darkness, with a tiny bladed projectile in his hand.

Winner: Hongi Hika

Expert's Opinion
In this very close battle between two losers of the wiki, it’s the Maori tribe and Hongi Hika who finally earn a victory, mostly thanks to the psychological factor that the musket gave them and the fact that, even with all the fancy weapons he had, Sun Tzu was not a battlefield fighter, but instead a military philosopher.

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.