RED Team/Bio & Battles

Battle vs. Blood Gulch Squads (by J80Kar)
Prologue

Outpost 17-B "Vahalla" / Post War: Year 2

"Oh no! Oh no!" yelled Caboose.

"Caboose! I told you not to touch the fusi- AH! SON OF A BITCH!" screamed Church as he flew into the sky.

"I'd say that's a new record for Church flying into the sky like that," added Tucker. "Hey Doc! We need your assistance again!"

"Seriously guys?" asked Doc when walks towards Tucker. "That's the 25th time this week that Caboose blew up Church in any kind of manner."

"On the contrary, your pet has been helping me create new ways of killing you guys! Muahahahahaha!" stated O'Malley.

Correction: Post War-Year 2.25

"AHHHHHHHHH! OOOF!" Church lands back on the base. "Caboose, I swear, when I get back up, I will fucking haunt you like never before!"

"Eeeeep!"

Tex comes walking towards the trio, "Hey what's with the commotion? Oh wait never mind."

"A little help here Tex?" asks Church.

Doc comes over and helps Church.

"Nah, you can handle yourself."

"So how's the reparis on tank going so far?" asked Tucker.

"It could go a lot faster if you guys helped me!" yelled Tex.

"What can I say, I'm a lover not a worker," stated Tucker.

All of a sudden a blue flash is seen in the middle of the canyon.

"Yeah fireworks!" yelled Caboose wth joy.

"Well that's my cue to run and hide. See ya inside the base!" Doc leaves.

"NO YOU IDIOT! DON'T LEAVE WHEN THE FUN IS ABOUT TO START!" shouted O'Malley.

"Those aren't fireworks you idiot!" said Church.

"I'm gonna go and check it out," said Tex as she left the base.

"Hey wait up Tex!" exclaimed Church as he was running towards her.

"Wanna go and follow them?" asked Caboose.

"EW! Gross dude!" exclaimed Tucker.

Back at the Red Base, Lopez and Sarge were repairing the warthog while Grif and Simmons just saw the blue light.

"What could possibly be going on?" asked Grif.

"You know Grif, after having all these events that have happened to us in our military careers, what isn't going on?" replied Simmons.

"Hmm point taken," said Grif.

Sarge comes up, "Hey what are you dirtbags doing up here?"

"Hey sir, we saw a blue flash and uhh Sarge?" Simmons looks around and can't find him. "Where's sarge?"

"He left immediatle after you said 'blue'" said Grif.

"Dammit Grif!" yelled Simmons after he ran after Sarge.

"Hey anything to keep us out of working," replied Grif as he ran after Simmons. In the middle of Valhalla, a portal opens with a RED Insignia Logo on the side of it. Out comes the Scout, Soldier, Pyro, Demoman, Heavy, Engy, Spy, Sniper, and Medic.

"I'm kinda liking this new place!" said the Scout.

"Remember what we're here for," stated the Spy. "We have to find a new place for Mann for his payload factory."

The Engy gets his toolbox, while Demo keeps drinking his whiskey, and the Pyro is having another one of his visions.

The sniper, scanning the area, sees two figures on the horizon, "We've got a couple of blokes near us."

Everyone gets their weapons ready, while Tex and Church creep up on them. "Who the hell are they?"

"Whatever they are, they're neither UNSC or Freelancers," stated Tex.

"Are you sure?"

Tex gives Church a cold stare. "Right, sorry."

The entire RED Team opens fire at them.

"Ah crap they're on us! RUN!" Tex and Church retreat back to their base.

"Time to hide you cowards!" yelled the Heavy with Sasha.

The RED Team starts chasing the Blues back to their base.

"Hahaha, take that you dirty Blues! Hahaha reminds me of the old days," says Sarge.

"That happened last month sir," replied Simmons.

"Ehh it still felt longer for me," added Sarge.

"Well look at that Sarge, seems like our job is going to be done by someone else. Even better, we'll be shipped out of here when the Blues are dead. Rewards and benefits for all of us. Someone else will be doing the fighting for us, while we're kicking back on the sidelines," said Grif. "Uhh Sarge."

Sarge groans,"GRRRRR!"

"Ugh Grif, I don't think you should've done that," replied Simmons.

"We have to fight for what's ours men! Now I don't care that the Blues are our mortal enemies, but if someone else is going to kill them, then they have officially declared war with the Red Army! C'mon fellas. Lopez prepare the warthog."

"Ugh si!" says Lopez on the comms.

"Wait sarge the warthog only fits three people, that's going to be a problem," stated Grif.

"Oh don't worry Grif...I've got a special assignment for you," replied Sarge.

"I don't like where this is going."

The three head back to Red Base...

Battle

Blood Gulch:

RED:

"AH CRAP!" Church and Tex make it back to Blue Base and take cover.

"Hey what the hell is going on?" asks Tucker and Caboose.

"Some random group of people came out of this portal and started firing at us!" exclaimed Tucker.

"Ah crap, is it the Zealots from that other canyon?!" asked Tucker.

"Umm no, but they mentioned someone named Mann," said Tex.

"Men men menly men men men," Caboose starts to sing.

"Caboose shut up! You're gonna give away our position!"

"Oh sorry, that was my fault!" said Caboose.

"That's right, run you foolish fools! Muahahahah!" shouted O'Malley.

"O'Malley, you're gonna give away our position!" replied Doc.

"Shut up!"

"Anyway, we took fire from these random group of people, so we retreated back up here," said Church.

"So what do we do now?" asked Caboose.

"Isn't it obvious, OBLITERATE THOSE FOOLS TO OBLIVION MUAHAHAHA!" said O'Malley as he picked up a Rocket Launcher.

Tex punches Doc/O'Malley.

"OW! Hey two people that you're punching here!" replied Doc.

"Well we're gonna have to come up with a battle plan...Tucker give me the files," said Church.

"Yeah about that...I had to create some space for my 'home movies' so..."

"Oh you gotta be kidding me!"

Meanwhile, the RED Team is surrounding the Blue Base.

"Sniper, do you see anything?" asks the Soldier.

"Them blokes are hiding in there, we need to flush 'em out!" replied the Sniper.

"All right then, Pyro you're up!" said Engy.

"Mmmph mmmph mmmhp mhpph mmmhp mhhmhpp ahahahah!" said the Pyro.

All of a sudden the group hears tejano music.

"What the hell is that?" asked the Spy.

"Yo man, this music ain't great!" added the Scout.

"Do I hear a..." as the Heavy was about to speak Sarge, Lopez, and Simmons ride over the group in the Warthog.

"WHOO-HOO!" shouted Simmons.

"Last one alive lock the door!" said the Soldier as he started to retreat.

Simmons starts firing the machine gun turret at the group. "Yeah that's right! Suck it Reds! Suck it!"

"Uh...Simmons," said Sarge riding shotgun, with his shotgun.

"Yeah take that, suck it Reds! Take that you honky motherfuckers! Suck it bitch! Suck it!"

Lopez (spanish), "Ugh let the idiot have his fun."

Seeing that most ot the group fell back, Simmons gets off the Warthog, followed by Lopez and Sarge.

"Whoo that was fun!" said Simmons.

Spy notions towards the Demoman, Demo takes out his sticky bomb launcher and firess a couple of bombs at the warthog.

"Hey Sarge, where's Grif?" asked Simmons.

A sound from the homosapient respulsifier was heard, followed by terrifying screaming. "AHHHH AHHH! AHHHH!"

"Hey should be here right.....about...." said Sarge calculating the landing.

"AHHHHH OOOF!" Grif lands on the Warthog, at the same time the Demoman activates the trigger sequence, sending Grif flying into the air once again. "AHHHHH! AHHHH! I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED MY RESTING SHIFT YET AHHHHHH!"

"........now! What the- where is that dirtbag?! Private Grif, if you're alive give us some agonizing pain. If you're dead, give us more agonizing pain!"

Grif lands near RED Team, Spy motions Pyro forward, Pyro preps his flamethrower while laughing maniacally.

A fire ball shows several yards away from Simmons, Sarge, and Lopez....

"YAAAAAA!!!!!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!!! AHHHHHHH! HERKKK! BLEEHHHHHHH!" were Grif's final moments.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 9

"I'll take that as an agonizing death.. Hehehe take that Gr-wait a second I'M SUPPOSED TO KILL GRIF WITH MY BARE HANDS!" yelled Sarge. "DAMN YOU RANDOM, sorry for saying this Red Command, RED BASTARDS!"

Lopez (spanish), *sigh* "It took me 2 days just to fix this vehicle and you idiots ruined it again!"

"I agree Lopez, let's exact our revenge of those strangers killing Grif, for not me getting the opportunity to kill Grif myself!"

"That seems quite a contradiction sir," added Simmons.

"Nonsense Simmons, it all makes sense," says Sarge as he loaded his shotgun.

"Hey Reds!" yelled Church.

Both Red Teams looks at Blue Base.

"Oooh, this is awkward, ummm....the Reds that we're fighting!"

Both teams still look at them.

"Wow I wasn't really prepared for this...OW Tex!" Tex punches him in midsentence.

"He means the cockbites that we've been fighting for awhile!" yelled out Tex.

"All right men, I hate to say this but, get to Blue Base! Lopez give us some covering fire!"

"Si," said Lopez and starts firing his battle rifle. The soldier, engy, and heavy return fire as Simmons, Sarge, and Lopez make it to Red Base.

"Hey assholes!" greeted Tucker.

"Hey Seargeant Sarge, Patronizing Simmons, and Spanish Robot," greeted Caboose.

Lopez (spanish), "Really?! You remember their names, but not mine! I'd rather die by the reds that are attacking us!"

"Seems your robot is eager to fight," said Church.

Lopez (spanish), "I hate it that no one can understand the language I'm speaking! Better yet, why did you program me to speakspanish in the first place!"

"Lopez you little kidder!" laughed Sarge.

"That's it when this is all over I'm going to kill each and everyone of you, except the black one, and claim this canyon my own!" (spansish) Lopez said angrily.

Back outside, the RED Team resumes to converge onto Blue Base.

"Everyone get your weapons ready!" ordered the Soldier.

Tex peaks outside, and sees the enemy team on the move. "Ok we'll take this one step at a time," she said.

Everyone loads up on weapons and ammo, at the same time the Medic has been charging Heavy preparing for an Ubercharge. The Engineer builds a sentry and begins to immediately upgrade it to a level 3.

"Where the hell are they?" asked the Spy.

All was quiet unti..."ATTACK!" yelled Sarge. Sarge, Simmons, Lopez, and Doc/O'Malley ran out guns blazing at the enemy team, while Tucker and Caboose go near the waterfall to flank RED Team. Tex and Church go up top to give sniper support.

"You dirtbags will pay for not giving me the chance to kill Grif myself!" yelled Sarge at the Soldier.

"Muahahaha take this you foolish fools!" O'Malley fires a two rockets at the very drunk Demoman who couldn't move away in time. The first one takes out his whiskey bottle.

"HEY YOU ER MY WHIKEYS!" yelled Demoman until he got blown up by the second rocket.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 8

"MUAHAHAHAHA EVIL WINS!" yelled O'Malley with joy. This victory was short-lived when the sentry locked onto Doc's location.

"Umm O'Malley? Look!" said Doc in fear, seeing the level 3 sentry point at him.

"THEN MOVE YOU IDIOT!" replied O'Malley, but it was too late the sentry fired its rockets and unloaded a hail storm of bullets at Doc.

"Hey what's going on guys?" asked Caboose on the radio

"BWHEWHBEWHWHBWEBWHEBWBHEWHWHEWBWHEWB! HERKKKKK BLEHHH!" Doc falls to the ground dead. Luckily O'Malley moved to Caboose.

"Well at least this idiot is better than any fool in this canyon," said O'Malley in Caboose's body.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 8 "Lopez move up!" ordered Sarge.

"Ughh....si!" (spanish) replied Lopez. Lopez equipps himself with a missle pod launcher and fires a barrage of missiles at Engy and the Sentry. The Engineer, who's to ocuppied building a dispenser, doesn't see the oncoming missiles.

The sentry is immediatey taken out.

"SENTRY DOWN!" The Engineer tries to build another one, but gets blown up in the process. "WHAHHHH!" Engy's body parts are blown everywhere.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 7

"Excellent work Lopez!" commented Sarge.

Lopez continues to give supressing fire. At the same, the Medic fully charged the Heavy and intiated the Ubercharge. The Heavy comes into the fray guns blazing with Sasha.

Lopez, Sarge, and Simmons try to take him down, but it was futile.

"JESUS! WHAT'S WITH THIS GUY SARGE?!" asked Simmons in fear.

"I don't know Simmons, but when this is over I want that kind of technology," replied Sarge.

"Ugh..you very tactical sir," said Simmons sarcastically.

Lopez yelled towards the duo (spanish), "I think now would be a good time to go you idiots!"

"I agree Lopez, you stay here and hold him off while me and Simmons fall back. Good luck amigo!" said Sarge while they retreated.

"THAT'S IT, I'M GOING TO OFFICIALLY KILL YOU ALL!" (spanish) yelled Lopez.

Lopez fires his remaing missiles and switches to his BR, but no damage is done to the Heavy.

"YAAAAA! HAHAHAHAAH! I AM BULLET PROOF!" The Heavy takes out Lopez with ease, sending his robotic head flying back to the base landing near Sarge and Simmons.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 7

"Oh poor Lopez! My robotic amigo! I still didn't get to install the robot nuts yet, you will be missed! Adios amigo, adios!" said Sarge.

"I'm still alive you idiot! Just put me on another robotic body!" (spanish) yelled Lopez.

Back on top of Blue Base, Tex and Church try to find a weakness in the Uberchrage.

"Hey I bet that guy behind the fat one is giving off that energy, if I can take him out, the fat one is done for," Tex said to Church.

"I'll take him out Tex," replied Church. Church aims his sniper at the Heavy waiting for a good opportunity for the charge to stop. After a few seconds, the Ubercharge shuts down, leaving the Medic in the open.

"Say goodnight!" said Church and fires the entire magazine at the Medic, badly missing each shot. "Oh this is just bullshit!" Church fires another magazine, and still badly misses each shot. "Dammit!"

"Dumkof! He can't even aim right!" yelled the Medic.

"Oh jeez!" Tex aims at the Medic, and takes him out with a headshot.

"RAHHHHH!" The Medic falls dead.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 6

"Showoff! The sight was dusty!" yelled Church.

"Yeah yeah yeah, say what you want to say," replied Tex.

"Medic is down!" Heavy takes out a Sandvich, eats it, then gets into a fit of rage. "YAHHHHH!"

"Uh oh Tucker, Caboose take that guy out!" ordered Church.

"GROSS DUDE!" replied Tucker on the radio.

"Now that kind of taking out, kill him!" replied Church.

"Ehhh fine, whatever it takes to watch my home movies again, c'mon Caboose."

"Just wait a second, thinking about kittens and babies..." Caboose starts to get into a fit of rage also, then jumps out into the open. "RAHHHHH! MY NAME IS MICHAEL J. CABOOSE AND I HATE BABIES!" Tucker follows him with his sword.

The Scout sees the two and alerts Heavy, "Yo we've got a couple of BLUs here!" Scout starts running towards Tucker with his bat, while the Heavy and Caboose slug it out. Meanwhile, the Spy sneaks into Blue Base.

Scout runs up to Tucker and hits him with the bat. "BONK! You can't catch me yo!"

"OW! Hey, you bitch!" replied Tucker. "Tex a little help here!"

"Already on it Tucker," said Tex on the comms. Tex aims the sniper rifle at the Scout's legs and wiats for an opportunity.

"Try to keep up!" said the Scout as he was running towards Tucker. As the Scout was about to hit him, a sniper round gets the Scout in the leg sending him flying towards Tucker. Tucker gets his sword.

"Hey I've got something better than your 'BONK' SWISH!" Tucker slices the Scout.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 5

Tucker begins to head towards Caboose to help him, but the Soldier catches him in the open and fires a rocket at point blank. "Take this!" yelled the Soldier.

"AW SHIT!" Tucker tries to dodge it, but gets hit and body parts begin to fly around. "AH! SON OF A BITCH!" were his last words.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 5

"He'll always be remembered as the lazy asshole that I know," said Church. Tex nods her head in agreement.

The fight between Heavy and Caboose is a hectic one, neither person gaining the advantage.

"YOUR TEAM IS FULL OF BABIES!" yelled Heavy.

"DON'T CALL CHURCH A BABY!" yelled Caboose.

"YES! YES! IDIOT GIVE INTO YOUR ANGER! MUAHAHAHA!" stated O'Malley.

Sarge heads topside to see what's going on. "Hmm I think Caboose could use some support here," said Sarge.

"Well can't even take out that guy!" replied Church.

"No I think he meant moral support Church," added Tex.

"What do you mean by-oh hell no! NO! NEVER IN A MILLION F***ING YEARS! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HE HAS TEAM KILLED ME! NEVER!"

"Just do it," said Tex, showing her fists.

"All right fine!" Church looks at Tex, then at Caboose. Church then takes a deep breath. "Hey Caboose, if you make it back alive I will...ummm....be...ummm...uhhh......mmmm...your........best.....fr-....fr-....fri-....fr-....."

"Just say it already!" yelled Tex and Sarge.

"I will be your best friend!" finished Church.

Caboose, hearing this, gets massive strength from within. "YES! YES! YES I KNEW IT! I KNEW THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN! YAAAAAA!" Caboose starts beating Heavy up to a pulp. Heavy, trying to defend himself, attempts to grab his shotgun. Caboose quickly takes out a gravity hammer, and prepares to gve the coup' de grais.

"NEVER MESS WITH CHURCH!" The hammer starts to descend on Heavy's head.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH YAHHH DUHHHH AHHH!" Heavy tris to cover his head, but gets smashed instantly.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 4

"YES I DID IT!" yelled Caboose with joy, however short lived when the Pyro. "AHHH FIRE! THAT'S BAD! BAD FIRE!" Caboose starts running around ablaze.

"YOU FOOL GO TO THE RIVER!" yelled O'Malley. Caboose runs into the river, and the fire gets off. "AHHHHH THAT'S NICE!" As Caboose got up, the Sniper killed him with a headshot.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! HERKKK BLEHHH!"

"CABOOSE NOOOOO!" yelled Church.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 4

Simmons walks up to the top of the base. "Hey uys what's up?"

"Oh Simmons, we're the only ones left here to take on this threat," said Sarge.

Tex starts looking at Simmons, and goes back into the base.

"I say that we should give up sir," said Simmons.

"What the- at a time like this?!" asked Sarge.

"I mean it sir, like we can make an alliance with these RED guys and take out the BLUs," said Simmons.

"Say that word again," requested Sarge.

"BLU," said Simmons.

"Spell it out."

"B-L-U..AH!" Tex comes out of camo and rips the skull out of Simmons head, but turns out to be the Spy. Tex uses the Spy's skull to beat him to death with it.

"AHHH! THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE! AHHHHH!" Spy dies.

"I knew there was something fishy about him," said Tex.

"If that wasn't Simmons, where is he?" asked Sarge.

All three went inside the base, revelaing that Simmons was backstabbed by the Spy when guarding the entrance.

"Oh what a shame, I was gonna give him a medal. Oh well, 3 awards for me!" said Sarge.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 3

The Solider, Pyro, and Sniper seeing that they finally ran out of ammo switched to their melee weapons, and started to run towards Blue Base. Soldier gives off his war cry. "AHHHH AHHHHAHHHHH!"

"Here they come!" yeled Church.

Sarge loads his last shell, while Tex cracks her knuckles.

The Pyro was the first to enter the base and is taken out by Sarge's shotgun.

"TAKE THAT DIRTBAG!" yelled Sarge.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team: x 2

The Sniper comes in and throws a jar, "Jarate!"

Tex dodges it, and it splatters all over Church's helmet.

"AH!! PISS! WHO PUTS PISS IN A JAR?! SERIOUSLY?! AND I THOUGHT SARGE AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE WAS CRAZY!" yelled Church as he runs outside to wash his helmet. "UHH THAT'S GONNA RUST!"

The Soldier and Sarge duke it out in a shovel vs wrench battle. Soldier tries to hit Sarge in every weak spot possible, but the armor protects him.

"Thank god for the armor!" said Sarge, and kills the solider with a few deadly blows to the head.

"WUAHHHH! AHHH!" Soldier falls dead to the floor.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team:

Sarge starts running towards the Sniper, but the Sniper dodges the attack and stabs Sarge in the abodmen and takes his hat off as a sign off respect.

"Nothing personal mate," said the Sniper.

"My only regret, was not having the chance to kill Grif over and over again..." Sarge falls dead.

Blood Gulch:

RED Team:

Lopez, seeing this, starts to cheer with jubilance. "YES I'M FREE FROM THIS MESS!"

Tex and Sniper go into a standoff. Tex hears something come into the base and stands down.

"What in the blimey?! Highghahah kerkk jekrjkr jekrk!" The Sniper's body stands still for a few seconds.

"Tex can you hear me? Wait is this an Austrailian accent?!" asked Church's voice in the Sniper's body. "Let me try something." Church clears his throat. "G'day mate! Crockey! Hahaha I've always wanted to say that!"

"Just let me finish him Church!" yelled Tex.

"Fine!" Church comes out of the Sniper's body, while the Sniper becomes all dazed.

Tex cracks her knuckles again and beats the sniper to a pulp. "That should do it."

The sniper's body is all broken and covered in blood.

"Great, now the base is all messy again!" yelled Church. "Cab- oh wait nevermind."

Blood Gulch:

RED Team:

Winner: Blood Gulch Sqauds

Epilogue

Tex and Church go on top of Blue Base, and just watch the canyon.

"So now what? My entire team is dead, the Reds are dead, Doc is even dead," stated Church.

"I'm still here you know!" (spanish) yelled Lopez's head

"Well that means my work here is over," said Tex.

"What?! Oh come on!" yelled Church.

"Church I'm a freelancer," said Tex. "once a job is done, we get contacted for another contract."

"Tex..."

All of a sudden an enormous bulldozer like factory comes through a teleporter and opens.

"What the hell?!" yelled Church.

Tex and Church aim their rifles at the opening...

Inside, robots began to activate looking like the members of the RED Team members themselves.

All of a sudden wave after wave of them started to run down the ramp towards Blue Base.

"OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!" yelled Church.

"Looks like I'm still needed here," said Tex as she grabs weapons from the weapon crates.

The robots began to converge onto Blue Base, then Tex jumps down with a machine gun turret....

Expert's Opinion
While RED Team had altogether better teamwork than the somewhat disorganized Blood Gultch Squads, the latter had much more advanced weaponry, as well as armor that physically enhanced them, and provided more protection.

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.

Battle vs. The Expendables (by BeastMan14)
The Expendables x9

RED Team x9

6 months after the events of The Expendables...

Ross, Trent, and Church all meet in their usual place.

"What do you got for me?" asks Ross.

"Rival team of mercs, RED's, you ever heard of em?" Church replies.

"Bunch of pyschos, that's what I've heard." Trent says.

"Well,they're moving in on a spot the government doesn't want them to. You cut em off with a little help, and you get paid." Church calmly says.

"Who's my backup and what's the pay?" Ross, intrigued, asked.

"Trent here volunteered to split the pay, plus you can bring Tool and that new kid of your's, what's his name, Billy, right? The pay? 3 mill for your team, half for Trent." Church answered.

"You got yourself a deal." Ross held out his hand and Church shook it.

At the base...

The RED Team was bored out of their mind, as nothing had happened since they killed the BLUs in charge of this base.

Suddenly, a chopper appeared on the horizon and Soldier cried,"Alright maggots, lets move!" and pulled out his rocket launcher.

The Expendables landed and a group consisting of Gunnar, Trent, Toll Road, and Caesar went on to scout ahead, while Billy laid down sniper cover. Meanwhile, the Engineer had begun setting up defenses and was being guarded by DemoMan, Heavy, and Medic.

"I got something, Billy, want to lay down a distraction?" Toll Road said into Comms. "Hell yeah." Billy replied then took aim.

Suddenly, a sniper shot rang out, destroying a sentry. "MAH sentrys down!" cried the Engineer as he ran to repair it. "Hello." Trent said as he stood over the ruins of the destroyed sentry. The Engineer pulled out his pistol, but he was blown to bits before he could use it. x8

Enraged, the Heavy cried,"No one kills Engy on my vatch!", then lets the medic uber-charge him. Gunnar, Ceaser, Trent, and Toll retreat under heavy fire, while Billy fires shot after shot at the Heavy, who laughs them off.

Suddenly, DemoMan fires a grenade shot, sending Toll flying. He hits he ground hard, and looks up to see the Pyro staring at him. With an evil laugh, the Pyro quickly torches Toll Road, then finishes him off with an axe. x8

"Toll Road!" Ceaser cried, then he opened fire with his AA-12.

One shot hits the Heavy, who laughs, then another hits the DemoMan, who was in the middle of a shot of whiskey. He is killed instantly. x7

Meanwhile, in the below ground levels, Yang is scouting around and talking to Ross through comms, when a baseball bat hits him over the head. "Bonk!" The Scout cries as he hits Yang again and is kicked away.

He draws his Force-a-Nature and charges Yang, who dodges the shot and finishes him off with FN F2000. "Yang, I heard gunshots. You okay?" "I'm fine," says Yang, "There was a member of that team here, but I think he's the only I one." Suddenly, the spy comes out of camo and backstabs Yang. "So you think..." The spy whispered as he shifted into Yang. x6 x7

The Heavy charged onto the Expendables as their bullets did nothing, when Tool saw the Medic and got an idea. Grabbing his knives, he ran around the Heavy and threw his knife at the Medic, who dodged to get out of the way. However, this left him without the cover of the Heavy, and he was killed by the combined fire of Tool's MRD and Billy's Sniper Rifle. x5

The Heavy, enraged at the death of Medic, tackles Tool and begins savagely punching him. Suddenly, an M79 shot from Gunnar hit Heavy in the shoulder.

Annoyed, he shouted, "You may outsmart me, but you'll never outsmart bullet!" Then started firing, riddling Gunnar with bullets and sending the Expendables running into the underground part of the base. x6

Billy begins loading up his sniper station, and heads for the base when a sniper shot sends him scrambling for cover. "G'day!" The sniper shouts as he moves in.

"Sh*t." Mutters Billy.

The Sniper slowly walked over to where he last Billy, Kukri at the ready.

Suddenly, Billy leaps out of cover and fires his Barrett M107, hitting the sniper in the leg.

The Sniper returns fire and hits Billy in the arm, forcing him to drop his rifle and pull out his combat knife. He lunges and stabs the sniper in the arm, but the sniper switches to his Kukri and stabs Billy through the chest, a fatal wound.

As Billy dies, the Sniper takes his hat off and says,"Nothing personal." x5

Meanwhile, in the underground bunker, Barney, Tool, Trent, Christmas, and Ceaser are pinned down by the Heavy and Soldier while Pyro had vanished, worrying both teams.

Suddenly, Ross sees a way around the Heavy and gestures to it so Ceaser can follow him. As Tool, Christmas and Trent lay down cover fire, Ross runs down the hallway and takes a left, leading to the Heavy's left flank.

"Hey chuckles!" Ceaser yells as he shoots the Heavy drawing his attention as Barney throws his grenade that lands at the Heavy's feet. "Uh oh." says the Heavy as he is blown to bits. x4

Suddenly, Yang comes out of nowhere and kicks the soldier into a wall, but the Soldier hits him across the face with the shovel and runs off.

"Hey, Yang, you okay?" asks Ceaser as he helps Yang up. "Yeah... Perfect." suddenly Yang shimmers away, revealing the Spy, who tries to stab Ceaser in the chest but suddenly, a throwing knife soars through the air and hits him in the head killing him. Christmas walked over and calmly pulled out his knife. x3

"Ok, I think we're good." said an out of breath Ross as Ceaser shot the spy's corpse for good measure. "That's what you think, chaaaarge!" cried the Soldier as he fired a rocket that blows up Ceaser and sent the rest of the team flying. x4

Suddenly, as the team scrambled for cover, Sniper and Pyro came around the corner and opened fire on the surprised Expendables. The sniper shot got Tool through the chest and knocked him down, but the fire fell just short. The pyro switched to his axe and charged at the Team but Trent shoots them, killing them instantly. x2

Barney picked up Tool and carried him over his shoulder to a safer spot, as Christmas and Trent layed down cover fire. Trent shouted,"Go! I'll handle these clowns!" He and Christmas shook hands and then split up.

Sniper fired shot after shot as Trent moved from cover to cover and then got close enough to return fire, hitting the Sniper and knocking back. Before he can fire again, Sniper got up and threw his Kukri, hitting Trent in the chest and seemingly killing him.

As Sniper pulled himself up and walked over to get his Kukri, Trent stood up and shot Sniper in the face, killing him. x1

As Trent stands up, suddenly a shotgun blast hits him in the chest. Trent whips around, badly injured and returns fire hitting soldier in the leg. As he attempts to stand, Soldier fires off a shot and kills Trent. Badly bleeding, the Soldier shouts,"Medic! Oh. Right." x3

As the Ross and Tool find a good spot to rest, Tool says,"This is the end, my friend." "No! Stay with me." Barney shouted as Tool began to bleed out. "Do you think the woman I saw...(cough)... forgives me? (cough)" Tool asks. "Yeah, she does. Rest well." Barney replies as Tool dies in his arms. x2

Enraged, Ross stood up to see Christmas, who asks,"Now what?" With anger in his voice, Ross replied,"We finish this for Tool and everyone else on our team."

The Soldier limped into the middle of the base to find a case of Intel waiting for him. "Well I'll be damned!" shouts the Soldier just before a barrage of gunfire comes flying at him. The Soldier cocks his shotgun and takes cover.

Christmas walks into the the room looking for the Soldier when he jumps out of cover and hits Christmas in the back with the shovel. He whips around and kicks the Solider in the stomach, giving him time to pull out his knives. He charges at the soldier who shouts,"Knives to a gunfight? Hah!" then pulls out his shotgun.

The Soldier hit Christmas in the face with the shotgun and prepared to finish him off, when a gunshot went off and the soldier fell to the ground, dead. x0

Ross walked over the Soldiers body and helped Christmas up. "Well that could have gone better." said Christmas as he wiped the blood off his shirt.

"Could have gone worse." chuckled Ross as he grabbed the intel and he and Christmas headed for the chopper.

Winner: The Expendables

Expert's Opinion
The Expendables were victorious primarily due to much better training and superior weapons. While some of RED Team's weapons packed more firepower, they were also sluggish and difficult to use against their agile opponents. That, along with the Expendables' better teamwork, won them the day.

To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.

Battle vs. Dinosaurgruppe (by Undead RVD)
Within the bounds a small but highly valuable city in Germany, the scent of impending warfare lingers in the air. Clicks, shearing and other mechanical sounds are the only sounds heard in the night. No people walk the streets and market place of the once inhabited city. It had been evacuated so that the two leading forces can fight for control of it. However, a phenomenon, one too faint for anyone to sense, has appeared and “cuts” the city in half to change the shape of events that will come. ....The next morning, in a large facility on one side of the city, a wide garage door opens and nine men charge out. They are all armed to the teeth and wearing red. This is the RED Team. Scout bolts out first, as he is the fastest. He is followed by Soldier and Demoman, who are rearing to blow things up. Sniper heads for the highest point and begins to travel through the buildings to get a vantage point. Spy slips into the shadows, looking to get behind the enemy. The Pyro goes his own path, also looking to surprise the enemy. The last ones out are Heavy, Medic and Engineer. Heavy leads the way, ready to take in enemy fire when it comes at them, as Medic pumps him up with his Medigun and Engineer sets up a teleporter from the start.



Soon, RED reaches the Control Point they are to secure and protect. Scout is the first one there but things are not right; not in a “this is bad” way but in a “this is weird” way. No BLU team members are in sight. He is met with Soldier and Demoman, who are equally puzzled. Sniper is in a building above the check-point, looking for any BLU mercenaries but finds nothing. Spy and Pyro exit their alley ways; Spy is wearing a BLU Soldier disguise, anticipating some back-stabbing while the Pyro comes out blazing, stopping when he finds no one to burn. Heavy, Medic and Engineer finely make it. The RED team is stumped.

“This is not right,” Exclaims the Soldier in anger. “We should be battling the enemy right now, not waiting for them!”

“Relax, Yankee-Doodle,” Scout says to calm the angry man with a rocket launcher. “They probably just late getting here."

“No. We should be worried.”

The RED team turns to the speaker: the Spy.

“Something is off, here. Perhaps some people don’t notice it but there is something wrong about this place. Look at where we are standing.”

The rest of the RED team looks around. Most of them see nothing. Engineer, however, starts to see it. It is phenomenal but explainable. Meanwhile, Sniper has a curious look to him, as he follows something in the sky.

“I see nothing,” Heavy responds.

“No, there is something,” the Engineer says. “I can’t explain it but something is just not right. It’s like we are under a doorway… between two points in time. Just look at the streets and buildings.” Everyone starts to look at the buildings and start to see the “split”: one half looks and feels like the city they came to the day before and this morning; the other half, however, looks and feels like it is in a time before theirs.

“I have a theory,” Engi starts to speak, “It is quite possible that we are standing under some kind of ‘worm hole’, creating a gate way between our time and another. The other side is identical in appearance but appears to be of an older time.”

“I think I found the line of it,” the Australian voice of the Sniper calls down. He points into the sky. The rest of the RED team sees the strange, phenomenal line between the worlds. They can only stare at the anomaly with no ability to do anything. ....On the other side of the “door way”, a large base WWII opens its heavy doors. On the base is a unique symbol on it: the silhouette of a Pterosaur with the sig runes of the Schutzstaffel. Out the doors comes three soldiers wearing Nazi soldier uniforms and armed with different but appropriate weapons. The leader, Kurt Streicher, marches out first, followed by the sniper Karl Hissman and the medic Wolfgang von Graff. They are soon followed by the rest of their team: six strange and unique reptilian creatures, organisms that once walked the Earth many millennia ago; in other words, Dinosaurs.

The first dinosaurs out were the smallest ones. One of the small ones is a raptor, with a huge, hulking toe claw and patches of feathers on the back of its head, on its elbows and around its tail; it is the famous Velociraptor (not the misidentified ones from Jurassic). To the right of the Velociraptor is a tinier dino, lean in build with a longer neck and tiny head; it is a Compsognathus. It has a stick grenade strapped to its back. To the left of the raptor is a dino even smaller and, interestingly, appears more like a bird. It is covered in feathers and has long arms that form into wings; it is a Microraptor.

Following them are the larger dinosaurs. The first one out is a large but lean predator with a unique crest on its head; it is a Dilophosaurus. Right behind it is a large bipedal herbivore with an incredibly durable, ram-like dome on its head with a few small horns around its head; it is a Stygimoloch. It has a MG34 turret strapped to its back. The last one out is a short but very thick and strong reptile with large horn-like spikes on its back that stick out to its sides; it is a Desmatosuchus (interestingly, it is not an actual dinosaur but part of an order of reptiles that preluded the true dinosaurs). On its back is a large 20mm anti-air gun.

Together, they are the Dinosauriergruppe, the ultimate weapon of the Nazi army.

The soldiers and dinosaurs take their routes. The Velociraptor and Compsoganathus are the first ones coming into the city, as they are the fastest. The Microraptor flies up into the roof-tops of the city while Hissman goes into the buildings. The Dilophosaurus and Stygimoloch charge in at full speed while Streicher and Graff follow foot. The Desmatosuchus falls beyind, mainly because it is very slow and heavy.



“I say it’s some experiment gone wrong,” Scout speaks, “The engineers from the BLU team might have been working on some new super-teleporter and it made this... thing.”

The RED team is still standing around, trying to figure out what exactly is happening and why.

“Maybe the city is haunted?” Demo says, “It’s not the first time we saw supernatural stuff.”

“What about aliens?” Heavy asks.

“Don’t you get it?” The Soldier comes in, “There is only one answer: The Nazis!”

While Scout, Heavy, Demo, and Soldier keep throwing rather stupid ideas, the more intelligent members (i.e. Spy, Engi and Medic) are thinking about this logically.

“It is defiantly a rip in time and space,” Engi explains, “resulting in a portal between two time periods. How this is happening we don’t know.”

“What we should worry about is what will come of it,” the Spy states, “If we are lucky, it could be connected to a peaceful period. It not, which is likely, we may be facing some hostiles.”

“What about the time-space continuum?” the Medic asks, “We don’t know what harm is being done to it by this rip.”

Engi thinks about this and concern comes over him. “If we had a historian here with us, we could figure out what we need to do so not to mess up the past.”

As the more intelligent people think carefully and the dumber ones keep themselves occupied, the Pyro has built a fire to keep himself entertained and the Sniper keeps watch on the roof. As he keeps watch, he notices a bird perched on the roofs across the way. Initially, he passes it off as a bird. However, he looks at it again. It was a bit big for most birds and has a strange shape to its body. He looks through his scope and sees it clearly: a strange, bird-like creature that has a lizard-like head. It is a monster of a bird.

“Mates,” The Sniper calls down to the others, “there’s a strange looking bird. It doesn’t look good.” The others look up at it and see the surreal critter up on the roofs. What they don’t know is that is a Microraptor; a Microraptor that is a part of the Dinosauriergruppe.

As the others see the Microraptor, it screaches at the soldiers bellow and appears to spit down at Scout. It then jumps up and flies away. Scout falls black, clenching at his eyes. They burn and he is blinded by the spit. The Medic comes in with his Medi Gun and heals up Scout’s eyes, allowing him to see again.

“WHERE'D DAT STUPID BIRD GO?” Scout yells out in anger.

“I think we have bigger problems.” Says the Spy.

Just then, they hear screeches, roars and grunts coming towards them. Two small reptilian creatures, which the RED team can easily identify as dinosaurs, charge in at them with lightning speed.

They are followed up by a few grenades thrown towards their general area. The mercenaries are able to hop away in time before the grenades blow them up. The remaining members of the Dinosauriergruppe join in and attack the mercenaries with full force.

The Heavy, the Demoman and the Soldier (with assistance from the Medic) provide heavy cover-fire as the others RED mercenaries reorient themselves At the same time, the Stygimolochs exchange fire with assistance from Striecher and Graff from behind cover. Engineer starts to build a Sentry Gun and the Sniper aims down at the more dangerous targets. Hissman tries the same thing as the Sniper. The Velociraptor places its eyes on the Scout. Scout sees this and is freaked out by this. He runs into an alleyway with the raptor following foot. The Dilophosaurus goes into another alleyway. The Pyro sees the giant lizard-beast and chases after it. The Desmatosuchus finaly appears and joins in with the Stygimolochs

Meanwhile, the Compsognathus and Microraptor initiate a rather intelligent attack: The Microraptor dives down for an attack on the Heavy, getting him to let off on his firepower, while the Compsognathus gets up to the Demo and Soldier to activate the grenade on its back. However, as the Microraptor dives down onto the Heavy, a bullet goes off and the flying reptile crashes down behind the heavy, being well out of the fight. The Sniper pulls the bolt of his gun, releasing the spent case. The Compsognathus continues on its job when another shot rings out, this time from the Engineer’s Shotgun. The Engineer puts his Shotgun away and returns to building his Sentry Gun.

The Sniper looks behind the Stygimoloch and Desmatosuchus and sees Graff throwing out medic packs which are, somehow, healing the creatures. This explains why the beasts are hardly taking damage. He then aims down onto Graff. What he doesn’t notice is that Hissman has his Karabiner 98 Kurz’s scope aimed on him and fires the rifle. The shot misses by a hair and the Sniper shifts aim to Hissman. As the two are shooting, Hissman takes some hits and realizes he is not as good with a rifle as the Sniper. Thinking this, he decides to shift tactics and takes aim with something else; he calls into the sky and points towards the Sniper. The Australian is confused but takes advantage of the moment to aim onto Nazi sniper’s head.

Just before he could fire, though, the Sniper notices a screech in the sky. He looks up and wonders what it is. He finely gets a sight of the source: a strange bird-like creature flying down towards him; it is a Pterosaur, and it has a bomb strapped to it. With what reflexes he has, the Australian leaps as far away from the creature but is still caught in the blast. The blast severely injures him and Hissman now has the Sniper in a perfect spot.

The Soldier hears explosion and looks behind himself, Sniper hurt. He then looks ahead and sees the Nazi sniper aiming at him. Then, like a War-Hero, the runs towards the Nazis, fires his Rocket Launcher under his feet, Rocket-Jumping towards the Nazi, and fires a rocket at Hissman. Hissman is caught off-guard and is hit directly in the face by the Crazy-American’s rocket, blowing him to pieces.

The Soldier lands behind enemy lines and finds himself next to Streicher. The Nazi soldier responds fast enough to aim his MP40 at the American soldier. The Soldier is fast enough to pull out his Shovel, smacking the SMG out of his hands and attack Streicher. Streicher pulls out his combat knife and the two battle. The Soldier’s larger build gives him a good advantage over the Nazi. Streicher is forced to leap to his M40 and, before the Soldier can strike him down, the Nazi soldier unloads a whole magazine into the soldier. While the Soldier is not dead, the shots caused allot of damage, giving Steicher his moment. He disarms the American of his shovel and kicks him down. Streicher unloads the empty magazine and loads another magazine, ready to finish off the Soldier.

With a sudden stroke of fortune, though, the Sniper is able to get up long enough to pull out a jar of yellow liquid and takes aim. “Jarate!” the Sniper flings the jar and it crashes into the Nazi soldier. The Nazi is drenched in the contents, which was urine, and Streicher is blinded, dazed and all around out of it. With adrenalin pumping, the Soldier grabs the Nazi soldier and flings in a ways… all the way into the middle of the firefight. Stretchers is riddled in bullets from the Heavy, Stygimoloch and Desmatosuchus and finely blown to pieces by the Demo’s grenades.

The Soldier is able to limp behind some safe cover while the Sniper rolls back away from enemy sight. They are not dead but they are well out of the fight, in till the Medic can get them. To Be Continued....

Winner: RED Team.

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Battle vs. Infected (Left 4 Dead) (by Wassboss)
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Battle vs. Overwatch (by LB&SCR)
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To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here.