Gluk'oZa

Gluk'oZa is the animated persona of a popular Russian singer with a similar name. While the real life woman she represents is rather normal, Gluk'oZa is anything but normal, but also lacks a backstory to really go into much depth over. Most of her stories have been told over the course of animated music videos, however, and these are where most of her feats come from.

Her adventures over the course of the music videos vary, but they normally include guns and violence and generally action hero-like behavior, such as leading entire armies, fighting aliens and an infestation of vampires. Though, little outside of her combat experience is known about her.

Battle vs. Gluk'oZa (by Jackythejack)
Chelyabinsk, Russia

January 22nd, 2010

The bar was mostly empty, an uncommon site in the area around here, but when it's midday you don't tend to have a lot of people trying to drink your problems away, and that's what the girl in the very back of the establishment was hoping. She bought a soda, nothing special, just something to quench her thirst, as she looked over some of the news reports. Something about a giant mech being piloted by a little girl, crazed people with swords claiming to be Ancient Hebrews. The hell was this world coming to.

The woman, a Russian Popstar by the name of Gluk'oZa, sighed and took a sip of her soda, lips pursed around the straw as she stared at the paper. Then, she heard the door to the bar open. Her ears perked up and she glanced up from her paper, only to find a girl who was likely shorter than her, and wearing a strange, feline-like mask and an even odder looking get up. What really made the girl stand out, though, was the fact that she was holding a katana in one hand, and a suitcase in the other.

The strange woman walked to the front counter and called over the worker by tapping her katana on the desk. The worker didn't give it much thoguht as she walked over to the woman. She didn't wait to be asked anything. She just said a single word in a soft voice that had a British accent to go with it. "Coffee."

"Mmhmm. And a name I can call on when it's ready?"

"Noodle," She said, the mask refusing to convey any type of emotion. The conversation made the pop star even more confused, though. What kind of person was named Noodle? Sound like a stupid name...

Eventually, Gluk'oZa took her mind off of the strange visitor as her attention turned to the music that was currently playing. She smiled slightly. It was her music. Call her a bit vain, but she liked it when others played her music in public, and it wasn't even her doing. The jukebox in the middle of the bar was playing it by the time she had stepped inside, and had been for a while now. She wasn't sure if it was programmed or if they actually played whole albums, but it was nice.

That is, until the music was suddenly cut off, and instead of something plesant to listen to, the music was completely changed to some...well, somone speaking English. Her English was rusty, so she didn't quite understand all of it. She frowned and looked up at the jukebox.

"It's dare."

Gluk'oza’s furrowed and confused expression turned to one of annoyance as she turned to look at the music box. Sure enough, that Noodle girl was standing near the jukebox, now leaning on the jukebox and singing along to the song, her mask moved to the side slightly to reveal her mouth. The Russian huffed and stood up from her table, walking over to the jukebox.

Noodle glanced at her as she approached the music box, and Gluk'oZa could feel eyes staring at her the whole time as she tried to find a different song to play. Something better, please and thank you. This jukebox seemed a bit more modernized, actually having a button to play some of the previous songs. She pressed that a few times and stopped it. It took a moment, but music started up again.

"Глю'козы - девочки!"

The pop star smiled and turned her back on both Noodle and the jukebox as she walked back to the desk, humming to the tune of the song as she walked to her table and took a sip of her drink. She pulled her bag up off the floor and looked at the contents. Her katanas, her gun, and a couple of grenades, and a few shurikens. She knew that she probably shouldn't be holding these on her, but her life was so crazy that she never knew when she was going to need to shoot someone.

Just as she was looking at her arsenal, the music changed again. With practically a record scratch this time. She froze and looked back to the jukebox, and the girl standing next to it, who was now staring at her with a tilted head. She let out a sigh, getting further annoyed, as she walked over to the jukebox.

"There's a plastic tree..."

Noodle didn't stop her, but Gluk'oZa could feel the disapproving look from the girl. Like she really cared. This girl was too strange for Gluk'oza to care about her opinion. After a few more button presses, the music changed once again. She gave a glare to the masked woman before moving back to her table as the music started up.

"А ты красиво вошёл.."

She hadn't only just gotten back to her seat for a few seconds before the music suddenly changed and was replaced with something that wasn't even music, but instead some wild laughter, causing Gluk'oZa’s eyes to widen, until the laughter faded out, and then...

''"Feel good..." ''

The pop star was now officially irritated. She turned around to see that Noodle was now...sipping a coffee? When did she get that? She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the woman. What was this girl's deal? "Why are you changing the music?"

The mask stared at her for several seconds before Noodle slowly shrugged, and Gluk'oZa notice the katana was still in the woman's hands. Was she looking for a fight or something? And then, the woman spoke. A soft voice spoke only two words in response.

"It's bad."

That made the Russian start to see red as she dug her hand into her bag. She pulled out three shurikens and tossed them towards Noodle. Noodle leaned back and they flew past her. She stared at the spot where they were embedded into the wall, which gave Gluk'oZa enough time to reach into her bag and pull out her other weapons. Call her petty, but damn she was annoyed now.

Noodle looked back at the Russian just in time for her to begin to fire her guns. Within just a second, bullets started flying, and Noodle hurried away. She slid across the table she was standing next to, grabbing her suitcase mid slide and hopped over the bar the moment her feet touched the ground again.

Noodle didn't show herself after that, and the Russian took this as the chance to get behind cover herself. She moved over behind the jukebox and made sure that her gun was fully loaded. She took a deep breath and steadied herself. She certainly got herself in a mess this time.

Gluk'oZa popped up over the jukebox and noticed that Noodle was right there, armed with a tommy gun and aiming it right at her. Her eyes widened and she ducked behind the machine as bullets riddled the air and the wall behind her. She cursed under her breath before popping up once more and firing bullets towards Noodle.

The bullets hit the wall behind the Japanese girl, as well as the bottles that were on display at the bar, causing different kinds of alcoholic beverages to spill out, some spraying the girl in the back of the head. She groaned and armed herself with her katana. She waited for the bullets to stop before hopping out behind cover.

Gluk'oZa was in the middle of reloading when the Gorilla hopped out. Noodle charging right at her. She holstered her gun and pulled out one of her grenades. She pulled the pin and tossed it to Noodle in an undertoss motion. The super soldier's reflexes took over and she caught it. Wait...

She stared at it for a second too long before she quickly dropped it and turned her back towards it. The flash filled the entire room in a miniature explosion of light. Noodle heard a ringing in her ears, but quickly opened her eyes, just to see Gluk'oZa standing in front of her.

She couldn't stop the resulting kick to her torso. Noodle was sent back and slammed into the jukebox. By the time she recovered herself, a sword was heading right towards her. She closed her eyes and waited for strike that never came...

"Оля не довольна Мерседесом..."

Noodle's eyes opened for a moment and she noticed that the sword missed her head just barely and stabbed itself into the jukebox, causing the songs to change. She blinked and stared at Glukoza, who was smirking like she had really won the fight.

"Truce?" The Russian asked, not getting rid of that silly smile.

Noodle let out a laugh and slowly stood up. Gluk'oZa stepped back to give the girl room, but that was her mistake. Noodle did a quick bicycle kick and slammed her foot into the bottom of the girl's head. The Russian pop star was sent flying, bashing up against the ceiling before falling down.

"Bitch!" Gluk'oZa cursed before standing up with her two katanas at the ready. She charged forward, and swung her two blades. They hit Noodle's blade and the two of them fought for dominance in the sword battle. Noodle won, however, and easily pushed the Russian back.

Gluk'oZa stumbled back, but swung her blades once more, this time in an X shape. Noodle wasn't able to stop one of the blades, and it hit her in the arm, causing a nasty gash and blood to pour out. She winced and quickly batted the two blades away with a powerful strike. She moved forward and slashed diagonally, leaving a nasty gash on the Russians shoulder, leading down to her chest.

Gluk'oZa screamed out in pain and gritted her teeth before trying to slash the girl once again. The three blades clashed continuously as the girls maneuvered around one another before, eventually, they had made a 180 rotation of their positions, with Noodle now facing the jukebox, and Gluk'oZa with her back to it.

Noodle had the mind to finish the fight now. She swipped her katana towards one blade with enough force to knock it out of the Russian's hand. This stunned the girl for a moment, and Noodle took the opportunity to slash her arm holding the other sword, causing her hand to lose grip on the weapon.

With her opponent now disarmed, Noodle delivered a powerful kick to the girl, and Gluk'oZa was slammed backwards roughly, into the jukebox. The sword came towards her and, like she had done with Noodle, it instead stabbed the jukebox. The song changed once again.

"Get the cool shoe shine..."

Noodle giggled and took a step back before offering a hand to Gluk'oZa, her katana firmly in her other hand. With no other weapons to really rely on, Noodle was taking it easy. "Truce?"

Gluk'oZa glared daggers at the Japanese girl before reluctantly letting out a sigh and grabbing her hand. She used it to pull herself up and examined herself. Well, she could have gotten much worse injuries from that. Noodle must have been making sure not to hurt her too badly. "Yes, truce."

Noodle seemed to smile under that mask. That is, until the two of them could hear sirens off in the distance. They both stopped for a moment and looked around. Tables were blown away from the grenade explosion, bullet holes riddled the walls...it didn't look plesant.

"That's my cue to leave!" Noodle ran away from the pop star and towards the back door of the bar. Gluk'oZa's eyes widened as she watched the girl leave.

"Wait, hold on!" By the time she could get herself moving, Noodle was gone, and only a second later, a police man kicked down the door.

"Police! Hand in the air!"

"Ah, shit," Gluk'oZa muttered before slowly turning around with her hands slowly raising. This wasn't going to be fun to read about in the tabloids....

Expert's Opinon
While Gluk'oZa was a powerful opponent who had the experience and skill to punch high in her power level, Noodle was simply the better warrior, with actual super soldier training, while Gluk'oZa had no training whatsoever. Noodle's superhuman physicality would also net her the win in this fight.

To see the original weapons, battle, and votes, click here