User blog:BeastMan14/Halloween Special: Capone's Speakeasy Hosts (Chapo Trap Houser) vs The Black Skulls (Mandy)

This Halloween, things take a turn for the occult as the Capone's Speakeasy Hosts, the hosts of the beloved political radio show who moonlight as detectives, take on their deadliest case yet! These boys may have taken on the supernatural deep state of Washington, but can they prevail against The Black Skulls, the demonic biker gang who terrorized the West Coast? To find out, we'll compare their weapons, abilities, and skills to determine the answer to the simple question: WHO...IS...DEADLIEST???

Capone's Speakeasy Hosts


"Pep talk: Boys, we went up against impossible odds. We killed an Italian, several Italians, survived a supernatural spider attack. Okay, yeah, they made that Irish guy, they birthed him out of the occult. But whose to say, like maybe 40 years from now, we don't find ourselves on a grassy knoll finishing the job?"

- Felix Cumtree

Brought together largely out of distaste for the rest of society, the Capone's Speakeasy Hosts are the hosts of one of America's most popular radio shows, Capone's Speakeasy, where the trio and a variety of guests advocate for race science, ending women's suffrage, and that Robert "Fightin' Bob" La Follette would have won the 1924 Presidential Election, while also investigating strange conspiracies and supernatural sightings on the side. One night, the boys receive a message from their political enemy (and NeverCoolidge Conservative) the Baseball Rube, who warns of an Italian Catholic plot to capture the US presidency, with the conspiracy's base of operations apparently a local eatery called "Comet Pizzeria", located on property owned by Jewish writer David Brook, the mysterious Haitian Foundation, and landowner Fredrick Drumpf. Horrified at the concept of an Italian takeover, the hosts take the first train to Washington DC.

Upon their arrival, the trio split up to investigate the pizzeria, with Felix checking the trash while William and Matthew look at the surreal art around the establishment. While Felix finds nothing, the two doctors fall under the sway of the delicious pizza, and all three are invited back to a special feast that night. Returning that night, Will and Matt take advantage of the host's fascination with Felix to investigate the kitchen, where they see the chefs inserting a mysterious substance into a "meat lovers" pizza. Demanding to know if it's laduanum, the two burst in, leading to a vicious fight in which they, with Felix's help, manage to win.

With the staff neutralized, the trio head into the basement, which supposedly didn't exist, to find a variety of strange substances and a painting of the Pope. Behind the painting, they find a secret door, leading to a labratory where a strange, white-robed man is chanting ominously to a statue of Benito Mussolini. Even after being shot and stabbed in the throat, the man continues to chant, which a fascinated Will continues the chant and realizes the power of the cult, which worships the being Azazoth. Driven briefly mad, Will focuses his phrenology skills on Felix while Matt discovers chemist Albert Hoffman hiding in the lab. Under duress, Hoffman claims the substance to be thymarasol, a substance put into vaccines to control the populace, but Matt realizes that the true substance is flouride, which is also being used to control the masses. The trio reluctantly lets Hoffman go, concluding his future discoveries could be important.

Retreating to the Watergate hotel, the detectives patch up their wounds and prepare for an upcoming art show at the Federal Reserve, where the woman who created Comet Pizzeria's art will be in attendance. Confirming from a local fan that the substance is indeed flouride, they then head to a library to research David Brook, discovering him to be a mediocre writer in connection with major figures in the Democratic Party, including FDR, Al Smith, and Giovanni Podesta, a major campaign strategist. Through their research, the group realizes that not only will Podesta be attending the art show, but the show coincides with the arrival of a comet that famously spells doom for enemies of the Church. On the night of the show, Will and Matt ambush an old couple to steal their invitations, while Felix blackmails Col. Kurt Schlinter, a potentially treasonous officer in the army, to get in.

Upon arriving at the party, they are horrified to discover Italians and Irish mingling with notable Protestant leaders, alongside bathroom attendants inexplicably collecting the urine of guests who use the bathrooms. Splitting throughout the party, the group investigates the party, with Will inspecting the paintings scattered throughout the party while Matt and Felix find a service elevator in the kitchen. Heading downstairs, the group reconvenes to find a bizarre ritual involving the milking of several important figures in government, and is nearly driven mad in the process, before stumbling onto the real ritual, where Podesta, wearing the same robes from Comet Pizzeria, uses the various fluids collected from the show to summon a horrific, three-legged entity with tentacles for hair. Matt and Will are driven mad at the sight of it, with Will losing control of his legs while Matt hallucinates Felix as his twin brother and resolves to kill him once and for all. While Will tries to wrestle Podesta to the ground, Felix knocks out Matt and then shoots Podesta twice in the chest, critically injuring him.

Before he can finish him off, the crowd turns on the group and throws them out, but not before they witness the creature shapeshift into a young, charismatic Irish-American man who vows to turn the country over to the Vatican. Defeated, the trio return to Will's estate to read a piece by journalist Kristoph Cilliza, who talks about the newfound successes of the Kennedy family, and resolves to keep working in hopes of bringing down the cult.

Members:

Dr. William Hackenbush = "To the book depository!"

- William Hackenbush

A renowned expert on race science and phreonologist educated at Massachusetts's famous Miskatonic University, William Hackenbush is a Ra-worshipping Hotep and host of the show, who uses the duties of hosting and the investigations to distract himself from the annoyances of his sexless marriage and his idiotic son Cody. "A soldier's gotta do what a soldier's gotta do, and the real soldier is a father, who is sober."
 * -| Felix Cumtree =

- Felix Cumtree

The proud son of wealthy protestants and proto-sports radio host, Felix Cumtree is a highly-decorated veteran of World War I. In reality, Felix's war was fought at the desk, but he quickly began falsifying stories (or "stealing valor") when he returned home, and now he'll proudly flaunt his efforts while challenging anyone to prove him otherwise. "The only drug anyone should be on is sweet, sweet ether."
 * -| Dr. Matthew Pennyfarthing =

- Matthew Pennyfarthing

A disgraced 60-year-old surgeon from Kansas, Matthew Pennyfarthing was drummed out of the profession after he horribly mutilated several farmers while operating on an ether binge. Matthew fled to the city to indulge in perversions (namely his enthusiasm for women's shows) while working through his ether addiction, often using his time on the show to flaunt his membership of the Prohibition Party.

The Black Skulls


"For a while now, word's been coming down from the big rigs of something dark and fearsome out there. No one knows where they come from. First, it was stories from the interstate, leaving truckers for dead, prostitutes vanishing, and gutted bodies on doorsteps. And always the same. Biker gangs, black bikes, only seen at night. Weird shit."

- Caruthers

At one point in their lives simple bikers who worked as drugrunners, everything changed for the Black Skulls once they befriended the Chemist, who gave them a special batch of LSD that permanently broke their minds, turning them into depraved, cannibalistic monsters. At some point, the Chemist was captured by the Children of the New Dawn, a hippie cult led by Jeremiah Sand, and he supplied them with the Horn of Abraxas, an apparently magical horn that can summon the Black Skulls to do the wielder's bidding. Trapped into servitude, the Black Skulls followed the Children on a path of destruction throughout the West Coast, slaughtering prostitutes, truckers, and anyone unfortunate to draw Sand's attention.

One day, Sand became attracted to Mandy Bloom, a store-clerk and artist who lived with her boyfriend, logger/ex-hunter Red Miller, in a secluded cabin in the woods. Sand ordered his top disciple, Brother Swan, to capture her for him, and Swan summoned the Black Skulls, who agreed to do so in return for a sacrifice, namely the cult's overweight member. Their bloodlust sated, the Skulls broke into Mandy and Red's cabin, subdued Red, then brought Mandy before Jeremiah, who attempted to seduce her, only for her to mock his arrogance. Enraged, Jeremiah burned Mandy alive in front of Red, then left.

Red, who had survived the ordeal, reacquired his old weapons, tracked down the Skulls and killed one of their members before allowing himself to be captured, then broke free, wiping out the Skulls in a brutal fight. After killing them, Red sampled the Skull's LSD, using his hallucinations to track down the Chemist, who gave him the whereabouts of the Children of the New Dawn, enabling Red to hunt them down and avenge Mandy's death, crushing Jeremiah's skull with the same strength the Skulls showcased.

Capone's Speakeasy Hosts
Dr. William Hackenbush = Weapons and Equipment:
 * Asteroid Fragment: A magical piece of an asteroid Hackenbush discovered as a child, the fragment glows and hums ominously in the presence of dark magic, and hangs William's belt as a warning device.
 * Derringers: Gifted to him by his sister, Hackenbush wield a series of derringers in combat. They are small, one-shot, pistols that resemble flintlocks, and Hackenbush appears to carry several.
 * Calipers: Used to measure the size and dimension's of subjects skulls, Will always carries his trusty calipers wherever he goes.

Abilities:
 * Skilled Phrenologist: As one of the foremost practitioners of race science, Hackenbush is capable of easily recognizing the ethnic makeup of a subject after only a few moment's of analyzation.
 * Occult Knowledge: A devout follower of Ra and expert in numerous occult studies, Hackenbush is highly intelligent in terms of the inner workings of the various cults and the beings they worship.
 * Premonitions: When confronted with especially dark acts or omens, Will will often lapse into visions of future events, though they're often nondescript and not particularly helpful as more than a warning.
 * Mental Willpower: By focusing and concentration, Hackenbush can often overcome fits of madness or possession.
 * Passionate Fanbase: As the showrunner and beloved host, Hackenbush is in regular communication with fans of Capone's Speakeasy, who assist in cases by giving them clues or resources if the Hosts are in the area.

Weakness: Weapons and Equipment:
 * Opium Addiction: Like most responsible men of the era, Hackenbush suffers from an addiction to opium, and he carries around several bottles of the substance to avoid going into withdrawals.
 * -| Felix Cumtree =
 * Colt M1911A1: Felix's beloved and trusted sidearm, the Colt M1911 is a semi-automatic handgun with 7 rounds per clip and a range of around 70 meters.

Abilities:
 * Immense Charisma: Years of lying have honed Felix's ability to deceive others, and he can easily charm and befriend people that would be otherwise suspicious or skeptical of his feats in combat.
 * Expert Marksman: Felix is an excellent shot, capable of landing two near-fatal blows on Podesta during the ritual, and landing two headshots during the brawl at the Feast.
 * Skilled H2H Combatant: Felix has self-taught himself an early form of mixed martial arts and wrestling, and he's used it to expertly disable and knock out enemies much larger and stronger than him with little effort.
 * Expert in Spoken Word Jazz: As the grandfather of Marshall Mathers, Felix has perfected the artform of "White Spoken Word Jazz", a form of music performed entirely with your mouth that can be used to intimidate enemies into retreating, if not outright surrender.
 * Mental Willpower: Felix has perhaps the strongest mind of the three hosts, as he was the only one capable of gazing upon the monster summoned by the cult and walking away without briefly losing his mind.

Weakness: Weapons and Equipment:
 * Slight Limp: Felix's self-inflicted gunshot wound left him with a slight limp that hampers his physicality, but the Purple Heart he received was worth it.
 * -| Dr. Matthew Pennyfarthing =
 * Swordcane: Matthew carries a hidden rapier in his cane as a way of surprising attackers.
 * Earhorn: Under the cover of failing hearing, Matthew also carries an earhorn that enables him to listen in on conversations from a distance.

Abilities:
 * Skilled Surgeon/Pharmacist: Matthew shows immense talent as a doctor, and he's been able to patch up vicious wounds with little in the way of equipment while easily identifying drugs from sight alone.
 * Skilled Investigator: Matthew is an excellent detective, and using the meager resources at his disposal, he was able to uncover most of the Comet conspiracy on his own after a day of wandering around DC.
 * Strong Duelist: Despite his age and lack of physical prowess, Matthew is a skilled enough swordsman to fight one of the Comet staff to a standstill, holding him off long enough for Felix and Will to intervene.

Weakness:
 * Age: Pennyfarthing is a man in his 60's, and as such, he's nowhere near as fast or strong as his much younger co-hosts, making him something of a burden in physical combat.

Black Skulls
Weapons and Equipment: Abilities: Weakness:
 * Knives: The Black Skulls were shown to carry a variety of knives for combat, including switchblades, Bowie Knives, and hunting knives, and they even carried box cutters, one of which Red would steal and use to kill a Skull later.
 * Bladed Codpiece: One of the Skulls was shown to be especially of using a bladed codpiece with which to rape and torture victims, though it's unclear if it ever used it in a fight.
 * Double-Barreled Shotgun: For ranged combat, the codpiece Skull carried a sawed-off double-barreled shotgun, a single-shot shotgun with a range of less than 50 meters.
 * Motorcycles: Most of the Skulls rode motorcycles as a form of transportation, though one of them drove an ATV, enabling them to take more off-road terrain.
 * Superhuman Strength: The constant drug use has made the Skulls much stronger than an average human, to the point where one was capable of easily lifting Red and smashing him through a glass table with one hand, while another was able to flip Red's truck by simply standing it's ground, though the impact did kill it.
 * Superhuman Endurance/Pain Resistance: The Black Skulls are incredibly difficult to kill, with Caruthers even suggesting their minds are warped to the point where they enjoy pain. One Skull survived a crossbow shot to the chest and a fall off of a speeding ATV before finally dying when Red ran him over, while the leader of the gang literally laughed off a crossbow bolt through the neck, then survived being set on fire long enough to mock Red before being decapitated.
 * Lack of Awareness: The Black Skulls are surprisingly inattentive and short-sighted, likely a side-effect of being perpetually high on a mixture of drugs. When Red fought his way through the clubhouse, multiple Black Skulls were too distracted by torture, television, or simply staring at fire to notice his rampage until he was attacking them, enabling him to isolate them and fight them one-by-one.

The Scenario
When a beloved and massively influential senator's daughter catches the eye of Jeremiah Sand, he calls upon the services of the Black Skulls to have her prepared for his arrival. When the kidnapping is successful, the desperate and terrified Senator turns to the only supernatural investigators he can trust: the Capone's Speakeasy boys, who gladly take the case to prevent heretics from getting their hands on a powerful Protestant family.

The potential objectives for each side are: Capone's Speakeasy Hosts =
 * Find the Senator's daughter
 * Successfully escape the Skulls with the daughter
 * Kill all the Black Skulls (optional)
 * -| Black Skulls =
 * Stop the Hosts from rescuing the daughter
 * Kill the Hosts (optional)